Dear Pope,

It has come to my attention that someone in Vatican City has visited Blogzarro. That shouldn’t surprise you; Blogzarro is a popular blog with a wide range of quality posts for folks from all walks of life. However, after investigating Google Analytics (a website stat tracker), I discovered some disturbing details. Turns out my friend (or friends) in the Vatican checked out probably the nastiest, most pornographic page on Blogzarro (which, as devoted readers know, is saying something) — twice. Click here to see what our holy web surfer saw.

Yes, I admit it could have been a janitor or one of Satan’s undercover operatives who was browsing said filth (highly entertaining filth, but filth nonetheless). I have my suspicions, though. Do you think I’d go down with His Holiness if you were sent to hell because of reading Blogzarro?

Please, don’t send me to hell,
James A.

Never call your wife crazy when she’s giving you oral sex.

Last Winning Caption: From Mister Sinister: “I wanted a strap-on, but NOT LIKE THIS!”

When you sneeze on the train, no one ever says, “God bless you.”

God’s Handiwork

Written and drawn by yours truly. The first in a series of original Blogzarro comics.

(10 votes, average: 7.70 out of 10)
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The Japanese have some bizarre culinary and sexual practices. I’ve recently discovered one such practice that incorporates both.

There’s an underground restaurant in Japan where wealthy patrons pay to have sex with an animal and then eat it. At first blush this seems perverse and cruel. But then I got to thinking….

If I were a chicken I’d rather be groped by a lonely farmer than turned into nuggets. But maybe chickens, and the rest of the lowly animals, don’t want sex from humans under any circumstances. Fine. But no animal wants to be slaughtered and consumed by humans. And yet that is permissible. It all seems a bit hypocritical, doesn’t it? If you’re going to allow slaughter, then you should allow the loving. But the powers that be say, “Make food, not love.”

Further, there’s nothing illegal about having sex with an animal after it is turned into food. You can hump chicken nuggets all day long (in the privacy of your own home, of course). The trouble, really, is all in the sequence of events.

To sum up: Humans okay for sex, not okay for slaughter. Animals okay for slaughter, not okay for sex.

The moral of this tale is that if you want to have sex with your meat, cook it first.

The site is back and fully operational.

I’m still on the hunt for the birds who pooped on my brand-new car, and that could take some time away from blogging.

Other than that, the posts should be pouring in from here on.

See ya soon!

I am not a homophobe. But for those of you who are — or think you might give the lifestyle a try when you get to college — I have compiled some activities that you may want to avoid. They might seem innocuous but, brother, if you don’t watch it you could be sharing quality time with Lance Bass.

Eating bananas. What else needs to be said? You might as well be sucking cock. A rather large, delicious, potassium-filled cock. If you are a homophobe, refrain from eating or handling the big yellow fruit in any way. It only leads to fellatio.

Wiping your ass. Think about it. It’s no secret — the ass is second only to the cock in the homosexual pantheon of lovemaking. And it is my firm belief that ass-wiping is the “gateway drug” to man-on-man anal sex.

Praying. I would not advise prayer for any God-fearing homophobe. One, you’re on your knees: the so-called second position in man-on-man love. Two, you’re looking up to an omniscient, father type. Three, altar boys. It all adds up to “gay.”

Applying Chapstick. Next step, lipstick…then panties, a bra and fishnet stockings. Before you know it, you go from moist lips to lopping off your cock and calling yourself Tula. Real men, like cowboys and hobos, have dry, chapped lips.

Eating Boston creme donuts. Cream filling strongly resembles jizz. Do yourself a favor and stick with a manly coffee roll, and forget the napkin.

(17 votes, average: 8.35 out of 10)
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Another perfect, and useless, Top 10 list…

2. Two-Face

1. The Joker

Honorable Mentions: Salvatore “Sal” Maroni, The Scarecrow, Chin Han

(Refute that list! And I haven’t even seen the movie.)

• Whenever I fly, I always buy a one-way ticket. I’m not very optimistic.
• Here’s a game everyone likes to play while onboard a plane: Guess the Terrorist. It’s a bittersweet game. If you lose, you live. If you win…
• Another thing I like to do when flying: Stand in the aisle and jump. If the plane is going fast enough, I can get to the bathroom in one leap. Try it.
• Why I love flying: It’s the only time when you can eat in New York and then crap it out in Los Angeles.
• What does an ant think when he looks out an airplane window?