Chris Brown missed the Grammys Sunday night after allegedly assaulting his girlfriend Rihanna. But it’s been announced that he’ll receive a special honor at next year’s ceremony — The Ike Turner Award for Career Suicide.
Porn Star Stormy Daniels is thinking about running for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican David Vitter. I’m all for it. Finally, we’d have a politician we want to screw us.
It’s been reported that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003. In his defense, A-Rod says the steroids only affected his ego.
Nadya Suleman, the mom of octuplets as well as six other children, now says she never meant to have so many kids. It turns out she’s just really bad with math.
Christian Bale has finally commented on his on-set hissy fit. He says he doesn’t know why it’s such a big deal — it’s not like he forgot to pay his taxes.
One good thing has come out of Michael Phelps’s suspension from swimming — now he can devote more time to his tribute band…Bong Jovi.
Have you heard Michael Phelps is being courted for a new T-V series? It’s a sitcom called The Bong Newhart Show. They also have a western in the works — that one’s called Bong-nanza. There’s even a reality show on the table…Toking With the Stars. But I think the winner is the urban-themed comedy they’re calling Really Good Times.
Today a woman actually said, “God bless you,” when I sneezed on the train. I was floored. So floored that I karate chopped the woman in the throat. And that, boys and girls, is why people don’t say “God bless you” on the train.
John McCain has been calling himself a maverick. So, I decided to look up the word in the dictionary. Turns out, maverick means “a crotchety douche-nozzle who thinks calling himself a noncomformist enough times makes him a noncomformist.”
My friend John Harlacher is scaring the urine out of folks in Miami with his Nightmare haunted house all this month. Check it out if you’re down there. If you can’t make it, check out this video.
V-P candidate Joe Biden the other day said that life begins at conception. To which Bill Clinton added: “Copulation begins with — ‘Hi, I used to be the president.’”
There’s another historic element to Sarah Palin’s run for the vice presidency that no one’s talking about. All of our V-P’s have been motherfuckers. But she’d be the first real mother.
Are you keeping up with all the hurricanes this season? There was Hanna, Gustav, and Ike. Sounds like a Swedish gangbang of weather.
SARAH PALIN
A lot of people are worried about Sarah Palin’s readiness to be vice president. I’m worried about Todd Palin’s readiness to be the husband of a V.P. If my wife was the vice president I’d be going out of my mind…when the hell is she gonna have time to make my dinner?! And that was my sexist joke of the day. But it’s true…because I’m a lazy man, and I really would still expect my wife to make me dinner. I don’t care if you’re a heartbeat away from the presidency. The American people might have elected you, but I married you. John McCain would call: “Um, is Sarah there? I need her at the White House.” “Yeah, but she’s making me eggs right now. She’ll be there soon.” “There’s a situation with Russia!” “Breakfast is a really important meal, Mr. President. Can’t it wait?” And the world would end because I refuse to make my own food! That’s why we can’t have a female vice president. Because men are jerks. But, honestly, she’d still have to make me breakfast.
Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old pregnant daughter is making big news. What’s the big deal? The girl is from Alaska. What else is there to do in Alaska? Make snow angels and beat up Eskimos?
Many pundits are saying that politicians’ families should be “off-limits.” Apparently nobody told that to the young man who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter.
GEORGE BUSH
President Bush gave his speech at the Republican National Convention — 1,100 miles away via satellite. You have to feel bad for Bush. He’s like that kid on the playground with cooties.
Bush: “I heard you guys were having a convention or something.”
McCain: “Yeah, kinda. No big thing, really. Just some of us Republicans getting together. You wouldn’t want to go. It’s gonna be pretty boring.”
Bush: “Well, I like conventions.”
McCain: “You’re real busy running the country, right? We didn’t want to bother you. …Um, isn’t there a hurricane or something about to hit the Gulf Coast?”
Bush wasn’t the only high-profile Republican absent from the convention. Condoleezza Rice was sent on a tour of North Africa this week and Dick Cheney was dispatched to the Eastern European nation of Georgia. What are they going to do with these three after the election? Send them off to leper island?
It took Republicans a while to come around, but finally they agree with Democrats — Bush is a loser!
As you know, John McCain has chosen a running mate — one-time Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. I just have one thing to say about that…VP-ILF.
McCain, I don’t agree with any of your policies, but your running mate is one little cutie. She’s got that Tina Fey thing going on, but she’s actually pretty. I’m beginning to like the way you think, you sly old dog. Sarah, you want to do some off-shore drilling? Fine with me. Just name the time and the shore.
So to recap, McCain picked a young, good-looking running mate with little political experience. And Obama chose a grumpy, old white guy with decades of political experience. The message is plain: These two guys are hot for each other. Admit it and join forces. A McCain - Obama ticket is a sure thing!
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As you know, John McCain has chosen a running mate — one-time Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. I just have one thing to say about that…VP-ILF.
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