What I Learned Today
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
Dear Pope,
It has come to my attention that someone in Vatican City has visited Blogzarro. That shouldn’t surprise you; Blogzarro is a popular blog with a wide range of quality posts for folks from all walks of life. However, after investigating Google Analytics (a website stat tracker), I discovered some disturbing details. Turns out my friend (or friends) in the Vatican checked out probably the nastiest, most pornographic page on Blogzarro (which, as devoted readers know, is saying something) — twice. Click here to see what our holy web surfer saw.
Yes, I admit it could have been a janitor or one of Satan’s undercover operatives who was browsing said filth (highly entertaining filth, but filth nonetheless). I have my suspicions, though. Do you think I’d go down with His Holiness if you were sent to hell because of reading Blogzarro?
Please, don’t send me to hell,
James A.
Posted in News, What I Learned Today | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
Never call your wife crazy when she’s giving you oral sex.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, August 8th, 2007
One of the scariest moments in life: that split-second as you’re descending onto the toilet…you’re at the point of no return…and you realize the seat is up.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | 4 Comments »
Saturday, June 16th, 2007
That people look at you funny when you’re thirty-something and reading a comic book on the subway, but if you’re any age and shouting out violent and sexually explicit rap lyrics, people don’t bat an eye.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | 6 Comments »
Saturday, June 9th, 2007
Another drawback to being bald: every time I slip a T-shirt over my head it looks like I’m being born.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | 5 Comments »
Saturday, April 14th, 2007
That I can save a lot of time cleaning if I get a dust-colored carpet.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | No Comments »
Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
The whole is greater than the sum of the parts…. Or is it the sum of the parts are greater than the whole? I gotta look that up now.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | 2 Comments »
Saturday, March 10th, 2007
Absolutely nothing. In fact, I think I forgot a bunch of really useful shit today.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | No Comments »
Sunday, March 4th, 2007
That no matter how much I hate composer Andrew Lloyd Webber, I can’t get the songs of “Jesus Christ Superstar” out of my head for days after I hear his hippy-rock musical (and, yes, I hear it a lot). All day long I’m singing:
Hosanna Heysanna Sanna Sanna Ho
Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna
Hey J C, J C won’t you smile at me?
Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Superstar
or,
Take this cup away from me for I don’t want to taste its poison
Feel it burn me, I have changed, I’m not as sure
As when we started
or, better yet,
So you are the Christ, you’re the great Jesus Christ
Prove to me that you’re divine — change my water into wine
That’s all you need to do then I’ll know it’s all true
C’mon King of the Jews
Stupid Trivia: Porn legend and altogether loathsome human being Ron Jeremy is one of the guests relaxing at the pool at Herod’s castle in the 1973 movie of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | No Comments »
Monday, February 19th, 2007
That getting an MRI exam feels like being stuck inside an early ’80s video game — a cross between Space Invaders (thoop-thoop-thoop), Pac Man (wakka-wakka-wakka) and Galaga (zzzlp-zzzlp-zzzlp).
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | No Comments »
Saturday, February 10th, 2007
Last year in the U.S., there were 130,000 suicide attempts but only 30,000 were successful. The trouble with this country is that we’re raising a bunch of slackers. Come on, America, get your shit together!
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | No Comments »
Sunday, January 28th, 2007
That if I clench my ass real tight, my sciatica doesn’t hurt as bad when I walk.
Side Note: I’ve also learned that sciatica hurts. Real bad.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | No Comments »
Friday, January 19th, 2007
Sleep is for fat people.
How I Learned This: After sleeping 16 of the last 24 hours.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | No Comments »
Thursday, January 18th, 2007
Never — ever — follow a fat man who just picked up the Sunday edition of the New York Times into the bathroom.
How I Learned This: This afternoon, at work, the hard way.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
Porno veteran Randy Spears (pictured at right) is a decent actor.
How I Learned This: Between 3:40 and 4:00 am, I watched the “erotic-thriller” (which means it’s watered-down cable porn with a detective story thrown in) “Dangerous Passions,” also starring Jezebelle Bond (love that name) and Dick Smothers Jr. (that isn’t a made-up porn name; it’s actually Dick Smothers‘ son).
Side Note: After a bizarre mental mash-up of porn names back in 1996 or ‘97, I was convinced this new pop star by the name of Britney Spears was actually a porn actress. The actors who caused the confusion were Brittany Andrews and Randy Spears. Much to my disappointment, I caught Britney Spears on the Jenny Jones show and soon realized that she was 16 years old. Though, a porn career is looking more promising every day.
Posted in Humor, Sex, What I Learned Today | 1 Comment »
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