10. The movie’s catchprase: “You’ll believe a man can spend 10 bucks on crap!”
9. Includes the line: “You can’t stop me — I have an IQ of 118!”
8. The hero’s superpower: ability not to make eye contact with a stranger in an elevator.
7. Plot holes glossed over by the heroine’s numerous boob flashes.
6. Forget Kryptonite — the hero’s only weakness…a bullet to the heart.
5. CGI effects were rendered using a crayon.
4. The hero has a specially designed costume to emphasize his “bulge.”
3. The soundtrack is by the guy who wrote the “Pina Colada Song.”
2. The movie is based on a comic written during Stan Lee’s magic mushroom addiction.
1. Bat-nipples!
10. Superman allowed to fly only after passing through TSA metal detectors.
9. Fortress of Solitude melts away due to global warming.
8. Superman returns to earth only because he can’t remember whether he turned off his oven.
7. Guest appearance by drunken Adam West — who continually shouts: “Yeah, but where’s his boy wonder?”
6. Kryptonite replaced by something more lethal — an 8-by-10 of Joan Rivers.
5. Turns out Superman was away getting plastic surgery to look 20 years younger.
4. Superman decides the world isn’t worth saving, makes living as Calvin Klein model.
3. Lex Luthor’s hostile takeover of the Hair Club for Men.
2. Brandon Routh’s bulge padded with royalty checks from the movie’s merchandising.
1. Superman’s affair with Lana Lang sends Lois Lane into the arms of Vince Vaughn.
10. You attained your super powers after receiving a hickey from a radioactive Ricky Martin.
9. Your secret lair was decorated by Carson Kressly.
8. You met your sidekick at a NAMBLA meeting.
7. Your super powers are having an awesome tan and the ability to skip an eight of a mile.
6. You once threatened to scratch out Magneto’s eyes.
5. You’re powerless against anything yellow, not for any special reason, but simply because it’s not your color.
4. You have smoother legs than Robin.
3. By day you’re a mild-mannered choreographer. By night you fight crime on the mean streets of the East Village.
2. You were kicked out of the X-Men for trying to manscape Wolverine. Then booted from the Avengers for fondling the Mighty Thor’s “hammer.”
1. You constantly piss off Bruce Banner so you can see the Hulk’s bare chest.
10. Challenge Jesus to a cage match. Winner rules the earth.
9. Break Batman’s neck — come on, he’s not a superhero!
8. Freebase Kryptonite — that shit’ll fuck you up!
7. Dump Clark Kent get-up. I’m Superman 24/7 now, bitches.
6. X-ray vision. Girl’s locker room at the local high school. ‘Nuff said.
5. Beat that skinny Japanese guy at a hot dog eating contest.
4. Reverse time and stop the productions of Superman III and IV.
3. Three-way with Teri Hatcher and Kristin Kreuk. Let Krypto watch.
2. Put Margot Kidder out of her misery (you see her lately?).
1. Check tights. Discover how much steel the Man of Steel is really packing.
10. You refer to lovemaking as the “Quickening.”
9. You recited your wedding vows in the Wookiee language.
8. You’re currently wearing Aquaman Underoos.
7. Your eyesight is fine, but you wear glasses in order to hide your secret identity.
6. You wrote your will as a choose-your-own adventure.
5. Your only career ambition is to be a mild-mannered reporter.
4. You’re still working on that comic book about a lonely kid who gains super powers and exacts revenge on the bullies who once flushed his head in the school toilet.
3. Co-workers are forced to refer to you as the Commander.
2. You get into heated arguments over how Superman turned back time after he zoomed around the planet a few times at the end of the 1978 movie.
1. You still fantasize about Carrie Fisher in that slave Leia outfit from “Return of the Jedi.”
