Top 10 Lists
Thursday, August 9th, 2007
10. On your dinner menu for the past 467 nights: Brains.
9. Your dream woman? Anna Nicole Smith, post mortem.
8. You’re up all night moaning and drinking blood (sorry, that’s a sign you’re Billy Bob Thornton).
7. Your day job for the past four years: Pounding on the back door of an isolated farm house.
6. Your parents named you Uuuuhhhhhnnn.
5. You often say to your wife: “You know what would go really well with this pasta? Flesh of the living!”
4. You’re attracted to women with exposed spleens.
3. You enjoy playing such British Invasion tunes as “She’s Not There” and “Time of the Season” (sorry again, that’s a sign you’re a member of the 1960s band The Zombies).
2. Your second biggest pet peeve: Your right arm falls off whenever you try to masturbate.
1. Your biggest pet peeve: Your penis fell off two years ago.
Posted in Humor, Top 10 Lists | 3 Comments »
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
10. TRANSEXUCRON
Transexucron transforms from a confused young boy into a beautiful woman with unnaturally large hands. Penis detaches and can be used as a laser cannon.
9. BLOCKBUSTER
Blockbuster transforms from a simple children’s TV show into an over-the-top, special-effects-laden summer movie event. Sells for around $200 million.
8. BRONCO
A 1993 white Ford Bronco that transforms into an ex-football star with a penchant for stabbing women who done him wrong. Leather gloves sold separately.
7. LEMON
In car mode, Lemon is a slow-moving, not-very-powerful Kia Rio that is in constant danger of getting into an accident while trying to merge onto the highway. Only transforms into robot mode after warming up for 20 minutes.
6. EIGHT TRACK
Leader of the obsolete disco bot team, Eight Track comes with roller skates, hot pants, and a love for Donna Summer.
5. CYBER SEX
As a member of the Decepticon Internet team, Cyber Sex is a beautiful young robot that transforms into a middle-aged pedophile. Equipped with his own MySpace page and fake profile photo of a 12-year-old.
4. CAR JACK
A crack pipe that transforms into a desperate street thug without the skills to steal a car the proper way.
3. MOTOR OLA
This Decepticon communications officer is a cell phone that transforms into the leader of the product-placement bots. Kills enemies by inducing brain tumors and talking loudly on the bus.
2. DRIVE-BY
A 2007 Hummer H2 that transforms into Suge Knight. Alibi included.
1. WIFEATRON
In girlfriend mode, Wifeatron is a pleasant, peaceful young woman. But once in wife mode, Wifeatron is ready for battle! Weapons include ball and chain, battle axe, and a perfect memory of every insult you ever uttered.
Posted in Humor, Movies, Television, Top 10 Lists | 5 Comments »
Friday, May 25th, 2007
George Lucas has resold, repackaged, reimagined, merchandised, and licensed the hell out of Star Wars over the last 30 years. But here are a few ways Georgie hasn’t sold-out the Star Wars franchise…yet.
11. (bonus) “The 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special” released to DVD with CG-enhanced Bea Arthur
10. “Attack of the Clones” re-release featuring deleted too-hot-for-theaters Slave Padme!
9. “Phantom Menace Special Edition” with Jar Jar Binks replaced by less annoying Rosie O’Donnell
8. C-3P0’s new sidekick — 7-11 the product placement droid
7. “Star Wars: The Black and White Edition”
6. “One Night in Jar Jar Binks: The Secret Sex Tape”
5. Darth Vader “I Am Your Father” paternity tests
4. “Real World: Tatooine”
3. “Phantom Menace: The Lost, Good Version”
2. Death Star renamed the Continental Airlines Death Star
1. “Slave Leia Gone Wild” DVD series
(To see what the “Slave Leia Gone Wild” DVD series might look like, check out this Blogzarro-designed DVD cover)
Posted in Humor, Movies, Top 10 Lists | 8 Comments »
Monday, March 5th, 2007
10. You once masturbated while on TrimSpa.
9. You can’t account for all your sperm over the past 16 months.
8. Just like the baby, you spit up whenever you see Howard K. Stern.
7. The baby has your mother’s ears.
6. You briefly rubbed up against Anna Nicole backstage at the 2006 Grammys. And, as most people know, it doesn’t take you very long.
5. Your name is Charlie Sheen… Hey, he bagged a lot of chicks. The odds are in his favor.
4. Deleted, due to a court injunction obtained by Larry Birkhead.
3. You have children with 8 other big-breasted blonde nutcases on the verge of nervous breakdowns.
2. During Anna Nicole’s first trimester you experienced symptoms of sympathetic pregnancy.
1. You have a strong desire to have a segment of “20/20″ devoted to your fight; talk one-on-one with Larry King; speak candidly to Mary Hart of “Entertainment Tonight”; and have an in-depth sit down with Pat O’Brien from “The Insider.” Then write a book about the experience, all in the best interests of the baby.
Posted in Humor, Top 10 Lists | 1 Comment »
Monday, February 26th, 2007
10. “How’s my bulge look in these tights?”
9. “No, Mr. West, I won’t grease your batpole.”
8. “Is that an Ewok or has Gary Coleman grown a beard?”
7. “Does this Jedi robe make me look fat?”
6. “Just when you thought George Lucas has exhausted the marketing of Star Wars — lightsaber condoms!”
5. “Melody Anderson is no longer in mint condition.”
4. “Who the hell is Melody Anderson?”
3. “Only one thing could top this — an Internet porn convention.”
2. “I heard Mark Hamill will autograph for food.”
1. “Quol lip no marg’rk.” (Loose translation: I’m 37, wear prescription pants, and only have sex when I am within arm’s length of a glory hole.)
Posted in Comic Books, Humor, Top 10 Lists | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
10. The movie’s catchprase: “You’ll believe a man can spend 10 bucks on crap!”
9. Includes the line: “You can’t stop me — I have an IQ of 118!”
8. The hero’s superpower: ability not to make eye contact with a stranger in an elevator.
7. Plot holes glossed over by the heroine’s numerous boob flashes.
6. Forget Kryptonite — the hero’s only weakness…a bullet to the heart.
5. CGI effects were rendered using a crayon.
4. The hero has a specially designed costume to emphasize his “bulge.”
3. The soundtrack is by the guy who wrote the “Pina Colada Song.”
2. The movie is based on a comic written during Stan Lee’s magic mushroom addiction.
1. Bat-nipples!
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Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
10. Superman allowed to fly only after passing through TSA metal detectors.
9. Fortress of Solitude melts away due to global warming.
8. Superman returns to earth only because he can’t remember whether he turned off his oven.
7. Guest appearance by drunken Adam West — who continually shouts: “Yeah, but where’s his boy wonder?”
6. Kryptonite replaced by something more lethal — an 8-by-10 of Joan Rivers.
5. Turns out Superman was away getting plastic surgery to look 20 years younger.
4. Superman decides the world isn’t worth saving, makes living as Calvin Klein model.
3. Lex Luthor’s hostile takeover of the Hair Club for Men.
2. Brandon Routh’s bulge padded with royalty checks from the movie’s merchandising.
1. Superman’s affair with Lana Lang sends Lois Lane into the arms of Vince Vaughn.
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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
10. You attained your super powers after receiving a hickey from a radioactive Ricky Martin.
9. Your secret lair was decorated by Carson Kressly.
8. You met your sidekick at a NAMBLA meeting.
7. Your super powers are having an awesome tan and the ability to skip an eight of a mile.
6. You once threatened to scratch out Magneto’s eyes.
5. You’re powerless against anything yellow, not for any special reason, but simply because it’s not your color.
4. You have smoother legs than Robin.
3. By day you’re a mild-mannered choreographer. By night you fight crime on the mean streets of the East Village.
2. You were kicked out of the X-Men for trying to manscape Wolverine. Then booted from the Avengers for fondling the Mighty Thor’s “hammer.”
1. You constantly piss off Bruce Banner so you can see the Hulk’s bare chest.
Posted in Humor, Top 10 Lists | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
10. Challenge Jesus to a cage match. Winner rules the earth.
9. Break Batman’s neck — come on, he’s not a superhero!
8. Freebase Kryptonite — that shit’ll fuck you up!
7. Dump Clark Kent get-up. I’m Superman 24/7 now, bitches.
6. X-ray vision. Girl’s locker room at the local high school. ‘Nuff said.
5. Beat that skinny Japanese guy at a hot dog eating contest.
4. Reverse time and stop the productions of Superman III and IV.
3. Three-way with Teri Hatcher and Kristin Kreuk. Let Krypto watch.
2. Put Margot Kidder out of her misery (you see her lately?).
1. Check tights. Discover how much steel the Man of Steel is really packing.
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Monday, March 13th, 2006
10. You refer to lovemaking as the “Quickening.”
9. You recited your wedding vows in the Wookiee language.
8. You’re currently wearing Aquaman Underoos.
7. Your eyesight is fine, but you wear glasses in order to hide your secret identity.
6. You wrote your will as a choose-your-own adventure.
5. Your only career ambition is to be a mild-mannered reporter.
4. You’re still working on that comic book about a lonely kid who gains super powers and exacts revenge on the bullies who once flushed his head in the school toilet.
3. Co-workers are forced to refer to you as the Commander.
2. You get into heated arguments over how Superman turned back time after he zoomed around the planet a few times at the end of the 1978 movie.
1. You still fantasize about Carrie Fisher in that slave Leia outfit from “Return of the Jedi.”
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Friday, February 24th, 2006
10. Chug a Colt 45 with Lando Calrissian.
9. Party with Queen Amidala and her clone handmaidens.
8. Clothe myself in the soft, luxuriant fur of an Ewok.
7. Trade in my Whiffle ball bat for a real lightsaber.
6. Finally slash my lightsaber through the air without making that whoosh-whoosh sound with my mouth.
5. Use the Force to lose the 10 pounds I gained over the holidays.
4. Join the Dark Side for the weekend! Then vow never to do it again.
3. Choke my boss — with my mind.
2. Hunt down Jar Jar Binks, run lightsaber through his heart, mount head in den.
1. Play Jedi mind games with Jessica Alba.
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