10. On your dinner menu for the past 467 nights: Brains.
9. Your dream woman? Anna Nicole Smith, post mortem.
8. You’re up all night moaning and drinking blood (sorry, that’s a sign you’re Billy Bob Thornton).
7. Your day job for the past four years: Pounding on the back door of an isolated farm house.
6. Your parents named you Uuuuhhhhhnnn.
5. You often say to your wife: “You know what would go really well with this pasta? Flesh of the living!”
4. You’re attracted to women with exposed spleens.
3. You enjoy playing such British Invasion tunes as “She’s Not There” and “Time of the Season” (sorry again, that’s a sign you’re a member of the 1960s band The Zombies).
2. Your second biggest pet peeve: Your right arm falls off whenever you try to masturbate.
1. Your biggest pet peeve: Your penis fell off two years ago.
10. TRANSEXUCRON
Transexucron transforms from a confused young boy into a beautiful woman with unnaturally large hands. Penis detaches and can be used as a laser cannon.
9. BLOCKBUSTER
Blockbuster transforms from a simple children’s TV show into an over-the-top, special-effects-laden summer movie event. Sells for around $200 million.
8. BRONCO
A 1993 white Ford Bronco that transforms into an ex-football star with a penchant for stabbing women who done him wrong. Leather gloves sold separately.
7. LEMON
In car mode, Lemon is a slow-moving, not-very-powerful Kia Rio that is in constant danger of getting into an accident while trying to merge onto the highway. Only transforms into robot mode after warming up for 20 minutes.
6. EIGHT TRACK
Leader of the obsolete disco bot team, Eight Track comes with roller skates, hot pants, and a love for Donna Summer.
5. CYBER SEX
As a member of the Decepticon Internet team, Cyber Sex is a beautiful young robot that transforms into a middle-aged pedophile. Equipped with his own MySpace page and fake profile photo of a 12-year-old.
4. CAR JACK
A crack pipe that transforms into a desperate street thug without the skills to steal a car the proper way.
3. MOTOR OLA
This Decepticon communications officer is a cell phone that transforms into the leader of the product-placement bots. Kills enemies by inducing brain tumors and talking loudly on the bus.
2. DRIVE-BY
A 2007 Hummer H2 that transforms into Suge Knight. Alibi included.
1. WIFEATRON
In girlfriend mode, Wifeatron is a pleasant, peaceful young woman. But once in wife mode, Wifeatron is ready for battle! Weapons include ball and chain, battle axe, and a perfect memory of every insult you ever uttered.
George Lucas has resold, repackaged, reimagined, merchandised, and licensed the hell out of Star Wars over the last 30 years. But here are a few ways Georgie hasn’t sold-out the Star Wars franchise…yet.
11. (bonus) “The 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special” released to DVD with CG-enhanced Bea Arthur
10. “Attack of the Clones” re-release featuring deleted too-hot-for-theaters Slave Padme!
9. “Phantom Menace Special Edition” with Jar Jar Binks replaced by less annoying Rosie O’Donnell
8. C-3P0′s new sidekick — 7-11 the product placement droid
7. “Star Wars: The Black and White Edition”
6. “One Night in Jar Jar Binks: The Secret Sex Tape”
5. Darth Vader “I Am Your Father” paternity tests
4. “Real World: Tatooine”
3. “Phantom Menace: The Lost, Good Version”
2. Death Star renamed the Continental Airlines Death Star
1. “Slave Leia Gone Wild” DVD series
(To see what the “Slave Leia Gone Wild” DVD series might look like, check out this Blogzarro-designed DVD cover)
10. You once masturbated while on TrimSpa.
9. You can’t account for all your sperm over the past 16 months.
8. Just like the baby, you spit up whenever you see Howard K. Stern.
7. The baby has your mother’s ears.
6. You briefly rubbed up against Anna Nicole backstage at the 2006 Grammys. And, as most people know, it doesn’t take you very long.
5. Your name is Charlie Sheen… Hey, he bagged a lot of chicks. The odds are in his favor.
4. Deleted, due to a court injunction obtained by Larry Birkhead.
3. You have children with 8 other big-breasted blonde nutcases on the verge of nervous breakdowns.
2. During Anna Nicole’s first trimester you experienced symptoms of sympathetic pregnancy.
1. You have a strong desire to have a segment of “20/20″ devoted to your fight; talk one-on-one with Larry King; speak candidly to Mary Hart of “Entertainment Tonight”; and have an in-depth sit down with Pat O’Brien from “The Insider.” Then write a book about the experience, all in the best interests of the baby.
10. “How’s my bulge look in these tights?”
9. “No, Mr. West, I won’t grease your batpole.”
8. “Is that an Ewok or has Gary Coleman grown a beard?”
7. “Does this Jedi robe make me look fat?”
6. “Just when you thought George Lucas has exhausted the marketing of Star Wars — lightsaber condoms!”
5. “Melody Anderson is no longer in mint condition.”
4. “Who the hell is Melody Anderson?”
3. “Only one thing could top this — an Internet porn convention.”
2. “I heard Mark Hamill will autograph for food.”
1. “Quol lip no marg’rk.” (Loose translation: I’m 37, wear prescription pants, and only have sex when I am within arm’s length of a glory hole.)
