Sure they were creepy Donny and Marie look-alikes who had to touch each other to activate their Wonder Twin powers, but the Superfriends’ Zan and Jayna were the original “transformers” (at least to kids in the U.S.) and deserve respect. So before you go off thinking those robots in disguise are so freakin’ cool, here are the four reasons why the Wonder Twins are superior to the Transformers.
1) THE NEW ORIGINALS
It didn’t do Native Americans any good either, but the Wonder Twins were here first — and that should count for something. They made their debut in 1977, way before anyone ever heard of robots transforming into cars or toasters. When the kids of the ’70s thought of transforming, they thought of those alien teenagers from the Superfriends. The Transformers first appeared in 1984, but by then the Wonder Twins were already well along the path to obscurity.
2) VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
The Wonder Twins could transform into anything — as long as it was a form of water or an animal. Zan (the male twin) could take the form of a snowball, a glacier, Perrier, even weather patterns. Jayna could transform into any animal, whether real or mythical. The mighty Transformers usually transform into only one other form, like a car or a cassette player. I think a kangaroo and a frozen bowling ball trumps an F-15 Eagle any day.
3) SIDE-KICKS
It’s been proven time and time again, a pet space monkey is cooler than some kid named Spike. Gleek not only provided comic relief; he conveniently provided a bucket whenever Zan took the form of watery substances. Otherwise, who knows how many lawsuits would have been brought against the Justice League by people slipping on Zan.
4) CATCHPHRASES
“Wonder Twin powers, activate!” This was more than a catchphrase, these were the magical words that allowed Zan and Jayna to transform. The line has taken on a life of its own and is more popular than the Wonder Twins themselves. Compared to the fabulousness of the Wonder Twins catchphrase, the Transformers’ “Autobots, transform — and roll out!” is, well, unfabulous.
How can a blog so terrible, so intrinsically bad, so offensive and puerile have a best-of? Well, it can. The other day a young man asked me, “Isn’t ‘The Best of Blogzarro’ kinda like a Great White greatest hits album?” After gut-punching the young man when he wasn’t looking and then arguing that even crap has differing levels of quality, I said, “Who the hell are you? And how did you know about the ‘Best of Blogzarro’ post before I even published it?” Nevertheless, I present the greatest and most popular posts of the first six months of Blogzarro’s existence. Perhaps you missed one or all of them. Now is the time to catch up. If you would like to learn more about the art of gut-punching or Blogzarro, head over to your local library (or just hit the links under the ‘categories’ section to your right).
1 | Lame Superhero of the Week: She-Thing
Wherein I discuss the pros and cons of a relationship with a rock creature. By the way, I’m all for it.
2 | Wonder Woman and the Phallic Menace
Wherein I infiltrate the secret world of phalluses and superheroines and prove that neither comes out the victor.
3 | The 20 Greatest Spider-Man Villains
Wherein I create a list that no one agrees on.
4 | The Bizarre, The Bad, The Bawdy Baseball Names
Wherein I get to write the words “rusty” and “kuntz” without referring to sex.
5 | The 10 Coolest ‘Fictional’ Trucks
Wherein I compile one of the stupidest lists of all time.
6 | Other Amusement Rides That Should Be Turned Into Movies
Wherein I prove that I have what it takes to pitch a blockbuster movie and bring laughter where there was only sadness.
7 | An Intro to Dubious Sexual Terminology
Wherein I use the word “Donkey Punch,” which results in thousands of hits from people searching Google for filthy sexual acts.
8 | Top 10 Rejected Transformers
Wherein I create my own robots in disguise and subsequently piss off a lot of Transformers fans.
9 | Lame Superhero of the Week: The Gay Ghost
Wherein I make many cheap gay jokes and at least one expensive one.
10 | Top 10 Ways George Lucas Hasn’t Sold-Out Star Wars
Wherein I take on the mighty George Lucas and prevail.
10. TRANSEXUCRON
Transexucron transforms from a confused young boy into a beautiful woman with unnaturally large hands. Penis detaches and can be used as a laser cannon.
9. BLOCKBUSTER
Blockbuster transforms from a simple children’s TV show into an over-the-top, special-effects-laden summer movie event. Sells for around $200 million.
8. BRONCO
A 1993 white Ford Bronco that transforms into an ex-football star with a penchant for stabbing women who done him wrong. Leather gloves sold separately.
7. LEMON
In car mode, Lemon is a slow-moving, not-very-powerful Kia Rio that is in constant danger of getting into an accident while trying to merge onto the highway. Only transforms into robot mode after warming up for 20 minutes.
6. EIGHT TRACK
Leader of the obsolete disco bot team, Eight Track comes with roller skates, hot pants, and a love for Donna Summer.
5. CYBER SEX
As a member of the Decepticon Internet team, Cyber Sex is a beautiful young robot that transforms into a middle-aged pedophile. Equipped with his own MySpace page and fake profile photo of a 12-year-old.
4. CAR JACK
A crack pipe that transforms into a desperate street thug without the skills to steal a car the proper way.
3. MOTOR OLA
This Decepticon communications officer is a cell phone that transforms into the leader of the product-placement bots. Kills enemies by inducing brain tumors and talking loudly on the bus.
2. DRIVE-BY
A 2007 Hummer H2 that transforms into Suge Knight. Alibi included.
1. WIFEATRON
In girlfriend mode, Wifeatron is a pleasant, peaceful young woman. But once in wife mode, Wifeatron is ready for battle! Weapons include ball and chain, battle axe, and a perfect memory of every insult you ever uttered.
Optimus Prime is getting all the attention with the hype surrounding the “Transformers” movie. But what of those trucks that have come before and after the great Autobot leader? Blogzarro has scoured the world of movies, television, and comics to compile a list of the coolest trucks ever assembled. Here, I present another useless, idiotic list. Enjoy!
| 1 | OPTIMUS PRIME (Transformers)
Optimus isn’t just a damn truck. Aintcha heard, junior? He’s a robot in disguise. That makes Optimus Prime twice as cool as these other mere mortal trucks. How do you compete with a semi-truck equipped with a big-ass gun? Plus, he could kick any of these other guys’ tailpipes with one hand tied behind his back. However, I always thought the coolest thing about Prime was his deep, authoritative voice. But then I learned that Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime) is also the voice of Eeyore. So I can’t watch Winnie the Pooh without thinking, “Eeyore is freakin’ Optimus Prime!” Consequently, Eeyore has now become cooler than Tigger, but still not as cool as Piglet. |
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| 2 | GOLIATH (Knight Rider)
Coolness factor? Other than the fact that Goliath was driven by an evil, goateed David Hasselhoff, aka Garthe Knight? Because it doesn’t get any better than that in my book. Thousands of young fanboys in the ’80s gasped when they thought KITT was down for the count after a collision with Goliath. Plus, the Knight Rider race track was the most highly anticipated Christmas gift of my childhood and allowed me to recreate the famed collision in my own home. |
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| 3 | ROAD RAGE TANK TRUCK (Duel)
Before “Jaws,” Steven Spielberg brought terror to the highway with “Duel,” a 1971 TV movie about a businessman terrorized by a psycho in a rusty Peterbilt tank truck. This was way before anyone ever heard of the phrase “road rage” or the name Steven Spielberg. Think of “Duel” as “Jaws” on the highway. |
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Cartoon Network and Hasbro join forces to create “Transformers Animated,” which will premiere in 2008
Press Release: The Transformers saga has captivated kids for more than 20 years. Coming on the heels of the highly anticipated live-action theatrical film being released July 3rd, by DreamWorks Pictures and Paramount Pictures, Cartoon Network and Hasbro, Inc. are announcing today that the next generation of the epic animated series is being jointly developed by the two entities for a 2008 debut on the network in the U.S. The eye-popping 2-D animated series is a new twist on the original high-octane, animated action-adventure series with new characters alongside legends such as Optimus Prime and Megatron. Each episode will present a stand-alone story line featuring everyday heroes who do good deeds that triumph over evil. “Transformers Animated” series will be co-produced by Cartoon Network Studios.
Twenty-six, half-hour episodes will be produced as well as a 90-minute special of “Transformers Animated,” which is scheduled for release in early 2008 on Cartoon Network in the U.S. Matt Youngberg (“Teen Titans,” “The Batman”) is the supervising director, Derrick Wyatt (“Teen Titans”) will provide the character designs and Sam Register (“Ben 10,” “Teen Titans”) will serve as executive producer of the series. Marty Isenberg (“Danny Phantom,” “X-Men,” “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”) acts as head writer. (more…)
