The Japanese have some bizarre culinary and sexual practices. I’ve recently discovered one such practice that incorporates both.
There’s an underground restaurant in Japan where wealthy patrons pay to have sex with an animal and then eat it. At first blush this seems perverse and cruel. But then I got to thinking….
If I were a chicken I’d rather be groped by a lonely farmer than turned into nuggets. But maybe chickens, and the rest of the lowly animals, don’t want sex from humans under any circumstances. Fine. But no animal wants to be slaughtered and consumed by humans. And yet that is permissible. It all seems a bit hypocritical, doesn’t it? If you’re going to allow slaughter, then you should allow the loving. But the powers that be say, “Make food, not love.”
Further, there’s nothing illegal about having sex with an animal after it is turned into food. You can hump chicken nuggets all day long (in the privacy of your own home, of course). The trouble, really, is all in the sequence of events.
To sum up: Humans okay for sex, not okay for slaughter. Animals okay for slaughter, not okay for sex.
The moral of this tale is that if you want to have sex with your meat, cook it first.
I‘ve spent many a night imagining what I would look like as a Simpsons character. Now, through the magic of the Internet, I no longer have to dream. That’s lil’ ol’ me in front of Springfield Elementary School. Oddly enough, I look exactly like that in real life, which makes me wonder why I spent so much time imagining what I’d look like if I was a resident of Springfield. Maybe it has something to do with the seductive Edna Krabappel.
So, now you’re asking, How did you get that illustration? How much did you have to pay? Did you have to threaten Matt Groening’s family? Actually I didn’t do any of those things. I simply headed over to simpsonizeme.com, where I uploaded a photo of myself and — voila — I became a Simpsons character (with some minor edits)…kinda like Homer’s younger, better-looking brother. Now, I’m trying to figure a way to get myself in “The Simpsons Movie 2.” Keep your three fingers crossed! (more…)
If “The Simpsons” have taught us anything it’s that two-dimensional characters are funnier than three-dimensional ones. There are as many great Simpsons quotes as there are Republicans in hell, which is another way to say “a lot.” For 18 years the residents of Springfield have been piling up the wittiest quotes ever uttered on TV. So, before the animated series hits the silver screen next week, here are the best quotes in Simpsons television history, in no particular order…
Homer: D’oh.
Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…
Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. (more…)
Frank Welker didn’t get the opportunity to reprise his role as the voice of Megatron in the “Transformers” movie, but he landed a gig with another animated-series-turned-summer-blockbuster. Welker provides the voice of Santa’s Little Helper in “The Simpsons Movie,” which opens July 27.
Sure they were creepy Donny and Marie look-alikes who had to touch each other to activate their Wonder Twin powers, but the Superfriends’ Zan and Jayna were the original “transformers” (at least to kids in the U.S.) and deserve respect. So before you go off thinking those robots in disguise are so freakin’ cool, here are the four reasons why the Wonder Twins are superior to the Transformers.
1) THE NEW ORIGINALS It didn’t do Native Americans any good either, but the Wonder Twins were here first — and that should count for something. They made their debut in 1977, way before anyone ever heard of robots transforming into cars or toasters. When the kids of the ’70s thought of transforming, they thought of those alien teenagers from the Superfriends. The Transformers first appeared in 1984, but by then the Wonder Twins were already well along the path to obscurity.
2) VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE The Wonder Twins could transform into anything — as long as it was a form of water or an animal. Zan (the male twin) could take the form of a snowball, a glacier, Perrier, even weather patterns. Jayna could transform into any animal, whether real or mythical. The mighty Transformers usually transform into only one other form, like a car or a cassette player. I think a kangaroo and a frozen bowling ball trumps an F-15 Eagle any day.
3) SIDE-KICKS It’s been proven time and time again, a pet space monkey is cooler than some kid named Spike. Gleek not only provided comic relief; he conveniently provided a bucket whenever Zan took the form of watery substances. Otherwise, who knows how many lawsuits would have been brought against the Justice League by people slipping on Zan.
4) CATCHPHRASES “Wonder Twin powers, activate!” This was more than a catchphrase, these were the magical words that allowed Zan and Jayna to transform. The line has taken on a life of its own and is more popular than the Wonder Twins themselves. Compared to the fabulousness of the Wonder Twins catchphrase, the Transformers’ “Autobots, transform — and roll out!” is, well, unfabulous.
How can a blog so terrible, so intrinsically bad, so offensive and puerile have a best-of? Well, it can. The other day a young man asked me, “Isn’t ‘The Best of Blogzarro’ kinda like a Great White greatest hits album?” After gut-punching the young man when he wasn’t looking and then arguing that even crap has differing levels of quality, I said, “Who the hell are you? And how did you know about the ‘Best of Blogzarro’ post before I even published it?” Nevertheless, I present the greatest and most popular posts of the first six months of Blogzarro’s existence. Perhaps you missed one or all of them. Now is the time to catch up. If you would like to learn more about the art of gut-punching or Blogzarro, head over to your local library (or just hit the links under the ‘categories’ section to your right).
10. TRANSEXUCRON
Transexucron transforms from a confused young boy into a beautiful woman with unnaturally large hands. Penis detaches and can be used as a laser cannon.
9. BLOCKBUSTER
Blockbuster transforms from a simple children’s TV show into an over-the-top, special-effects-laden summer movie event. Sells for around $200 million.
8. BRONCO
A 1993 white Ford Bronco that transforms into an ex-football star with a penchant for stabbing women who done him wrong. Leather gloves sold separately.
7. LEMON
In car mode, Lemon is a slow-moving, not-very-powerful Kia Rio that is in constant danger of getting into an accident while trying to merge onto the highway. Only transforms into robot mode after warming up for 20 minutes.
6. EIGHT TRACK
Leader of the obsolete disco bot team, Eight Track comes with roller skates, hot pants, and a love for Donna Summer.
5. CYBER SEX
As a member of the Decepticon Internet team, Cyber Sex is a beautiful young robot that transforms into a middle-aged pedophile. Equipped with his own MySpace page and fake profile photo of a 12-year-old.
4. CAR JACK
A crack pipe that transforms into a desperate street thug without the skills to steal a car the proper way.
3. MOTOR OLA
This Decepticon communications officer is a cell phone that transforms into the leader of the product-placement bots. Kills enemies by inducing brain tumors and talking loudly on the bus.
2. DRIVE-BY
A 2007 Hummer H2 that transforms into Suge Knight. Alibi included.
1. WIFEATRON
In girlfriend mode, Wifeatron is a pleasant, peaceful young woman. But once in wife mode, Wifeatron is ready for battle! Weapons include ball and chain, battle axe, and a perfect memory of every insult you ever uttered.
Optimus Prime is getting all the attention with the hype surrounding the “Transformers” movie. But what of those trucks that have come before and after the great Autobot leader? Blogzarro has scoured the world of movies, television, and comics to compile a list of the coolest trucks ever assembled. Here, I present another useless, idiotic list. Enjoy!
1 | OPTIMUS PRIME (Transformers)
Optimus isn’t just a damn truck. Aintcha heard, junior? He’s a robot in disguise. That makes Optimus Prime twice as cool as these other mere mortal trucks. How do you compete with a semi-truck equipped with a big-ass gun? Plus, he could kick any of these other guys’ tailpipes with one hand tied behind his back. However, I always thought the coolest thing about Prime was his deep, authoritative voice. But then I learned that Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime) is also the voice of Eeyore. So I can’t watch Winnie the Pooh without thinking, “Eeyore is freakin’ Optimus Prime!” Consequently, Eeyore has now become cooler than Tigger, but still not as cool as Piglet.
2 | GOLIATH (Knight Rider)
Coolness factor? Other than the fact that Goliath was driven by an evil, goateed David Hasselhoff, aka Garthe Knight? Because it doesn’t get any better than that in my book. Thousands of young fanboys in the ’80s gasped when they thought KITT was down for the count after a collision with Goliath. Plus, the Knight Rider race track was the most highly anticipated Christmas gift of my childhood and allowed me to recreate the famed collision in my own home.
3 | ROAD RAGE TANK TRUCK (Duel)
Before “Jaws,” Steven Spielberg brought terror to the highway with “Duel,” a 1971 TV movie about a businessman terrorized by a psycho in a rusty Peterbilt tank truck. This was way before anyone ever heard of the phrase “road rage” or the name Steven Spielberg. Think of “Duel” as “Jaws” on the highway.
Cartoon Network and Hasbro join forces to create “Transformers Animated,” which will premiere in 2008
Press Release: The Transformers saga has captivated kids for more than 20 years. Coming on the heels of the highly anticipated live-action theatrical film being released July 3rd, by DreamWorks Pictures and Paramount Pictures, Cartoon Network and Hasbro, Inc. are announcing today that the next generation of the epic animated series is being jointly developed by the two entities for a 2008 debut on the network in the U.S. The eye-popping 2-D animated series is a new twist on the original high-octane, animated action-adventure series with new characters alongside legends such as Optimus Prime and Megatron. Each episode will present a stand-alone story line featuring everyday heroes who do good deeds that triumph over evil. “Transformers Animated” series will be co-produced by Cartoon Network Studios.
Twenty-six, half-hour episodes will be produced as well as a 90-minute special of “Transformers Animated,” which is scheduled for release in early 2008 on Cartoon Network in the U.S. Matt Youngberg (”Teen Titans,” “The Batman”) is the supervising director, Derrick Wyatt (”Teen Titans”) will provide the character designs and Sam Register (”Ben 10,” “Teen Titans”) will serve as executive producer of the series. Marty Isenberg (”Danny Phantom,” “X-Men,” “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”) acts as head writer. (more…)
Wizard World Philadelphia convention highlighted by Hayden Panettiere and news of big changes for Spider-Man comics.
“Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere was the queen of this past weekend’s Wizard World Philadelphia, which featured all-star comic panels, celebrities, gaming, costumed geeks and more. During a packed hour-long question-and-answer session Saturday Hayden gave fans an inside look at the hit NBC series and her character, the indestructible cheerleader Claire Bennet.
Hayden, however, skirted the biggest question of the afternoon, but hinted that we might see more of Zachary Quinto. When a young boy asked, “Is Sylar really dead,” Hayden coyly answered, “So it looks like he’s…hurt. But no show can go without a villain.”
She also hinted that she might get a love interest in season two. “I may get [a boyfirend]. I [told the writers], ‘Dudes, okay! That’s it! Everyone else on the show has a love interest, and I don’t get one? I killed my first one…unfortunately.”
With her character, Claire Bennet, being “killed” several times during last season, the 17-year-old actress admitted that she often felt like Kenny from “South Park.” “I always say I feel like a piece of steak. I get flayed and grilled and stir-fried. I knew when I read the pilot that my ability would allow me to be in the brunt of the action and the middle of the explosions and fire, which was very appealing to me…. It’s always cool to find out what limbs are falling off next.”
Hayden even wowed the audience with a performance of “The Star-Spangled Banner” after a young man asked her to prove her singing skills (check out a clip of her performance on YouTube). Hayden, by the way, has an album coming out later this year.
The weekend also featured several comic book panels, which included such bigwigs as Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada and writer Brian Michael Bendis. The big news over the weekend was the change in format for Spider-Man titles. Marvel announced the follow-up to the Spider-Man story arc “One More Day.” It’s called “Brand New Day” and Marvel is changing things up a bit for it. They’ll be combining all the Spider-Man titles into “Amazing Spider-Man,” which will ship three times a month. “Spider-Man comes out three times a month,” Quesada explains. “It just came out under the titles ‘Amazing,’ ‘Friendly [Neighborhood],’ and ‘Sensational Spider-Man.’ All we’re doing is calling it ‘Amazing’ all the time. Instead of it being three separate story lines, it’s one continuous story line.” Marvel also recently released the promo image for “Brand New Day,” at right.
The big news from DC was the announcement of a Parallax one-shot comic. Also announced were three comics covering the impending nuptials of Green Arrow and Black Canary — “Green Arrow/Black Canary Wedding Special,” “Black Canary Wedding Planner,” and “Justice League Wedding Special.” (more…)
Lucy Lawless has been proving that she’s much more than a warrior princess. She showed the world she could belt out tunes with the best of them after placing second on last season’s “Celebrity Duets.” She continued her brilliant role as the Cylon Number Three on the third season of “Battlestar Galactica.” And next up, she appears on Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” voices Wonder Woman in the animated movie “Justice League: The New Frontier,” and takes her singing career a step further with three shows in New York this weekend. It seems blondes really do have more fun.
We recently chatted with Lucy and she gave us the scoop on a few things — including a possible return to “Battlestar Galactica”; working with Larry David; and doing a live-action Wonder Woman movie.
How did you get the role of Cylon Number Three (D’Anna Biers) on “Battlestar Galactica”?
[Battlestar Galactica producer] David Eick, who used to work on “Hercules” with my husband [Robert G. Tapert]…we stayed in touch and he wanted me for the role. And I wanted to do it and it was magic. I loved being that character.
You left “Battlestar Galactica” to star in the pilot “Football Wives.” Though your “Battlestar” character was “boxed,” the door is open for her to return. Are there plans for you to come back to BSG?
I’ve heard whispers of it. But I was all gung-ho to go off and do my own thing on “Football Wives,” but it didn’t get picked up. So I don’t know. I’m kind of weighing all sorts of interesting options at the moment.
We hear that you appear as yourself in the upcoming season of Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” What was it like doing the show?
Oh my God, so good. To me, that was the ideal working situation. It is all unscripted, but everyone is totally relaxed. Larry David is such a doll. I so enjoyed working with him, and we had a good time…. I seem to make him laugh. I don’t know why. (more…)
Attention, Lucy Lawless fans! Next weekend you’ll be able to get your Xena fix like never before. The warrior princess will not only appear at the 12th annual Xena Convention in Secaucus, New Jersey; Lawless will also be singing live at three shows in New York City.
Xenites will gather June 1st, 2nd, and 3rd at the Crowne Plaza Meadowlands Hotel in Secaucus, New Jersey for the annual Xena Convention. Headlining the weekend’s activities will be Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle), on stage together and separately on Saturday (for the first time in New York). Also appearing throughout the three-day celebration will be Brittney Powell (Brunnhilda), Alexandra Tydings (Aphrodite), Charles Keating (Zeus), Meighan Desmond (Discord/Sturgina), and Steven L. Sears (co-executive producer).
There will be special behind-the-scenes footage, on-stage presentations, trivia and costume contests, a charity breakfast, plus a merchandise emporium featuring licensed merchandise developed through NBC Universal. General admission tickets will be available at the door for $30 on Friday and Sunday, and $45 for Saturday. Tickets for children 6 to 12 are $20 each day and kids under 6 are free. For more information, visit creationent.com.
And if that isn’t enough, you can catch Lawless performing at The Canal Room in New York City. Following a sold-out gig earlier this year at The Roxy Theatre in Hollywood, her New York concert at the Canal Room is close to selling out, too. The performance is scheduled for three performances, May 31st, June 1st, and June 2nd.
Lawless finished a close second on the recent Fox series “Celebrity Duets,” in which she performed with musical icons Smokey Robinson and Dionne Warwick. Lawless says, “I’ve become a junkie for live performance. I can’t get enough and I can’t give enough.”
At her New York shows, she’ll sing songs by Etta James, Nina Simone, Crissy Hynde, and Melissa Etheridge, plus some of her own work.
Premium seating for the New York show is now sold out, but general tickets are available for $89. They can be purchased at the Canal Room office or by calling 212-941-8100. Doors will open at 7:30 PM. For more information, call Creation Entertainment at (818) 409-0960 or visit creationent.com.
AFRO SAMURAI (Director’s Cut) Release Date: May 22 Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Ron Perlman, Kelly Hu Director: Fuminori Kizaki Length: 215 minutes
Afro Samurai is one badass. This westernized sci-fi hip-hop samurai anime tale somehow combines all these elements and creates one cool series. “Afro Samurai,” based on the Japanese manga by Takashi Okazaki, originally aired on Spike TV earlier this year in a five-episode mini-series. It’s the story of a samurai with a ginormous afro who is trying to avenge the death of his father. Ron Perlman gives an awesome voice performance as the No. 1 samurai Justice, who beheaded Afro’s dad right before his eyes. The director’s cut is dark and violent, full of blood, boobs, and Sam Jackson doing what he does best — spitting out the word “motherf***er.” Jackson actually voices two of the main roles, Afro Samurai and his fast-talking comical sidekick Ninja Ninja. “Afro Samurai” has awesome animation, a kicking soundtrack by Wu Tang member The RZA, and the baddest afro in cartoons. The first episode is fast-paced and intense, highlighted by the appearance of Justice, a baddie who wields a really long gun. The rest of the episodes don’t quite live up to the kickoff. But the finale, which also includes Justice, rocks. I guess I’m trying to say that we should have seen more from Justice. Nonetheless, “Afro Samurai” makes up for Samuel L. Jackson’s “Snakes on a Plane.”
DVD GOODIES
A second disc of bonus material includes a featurette on the voice talent, a RZA music production tour featurette, and an interview with the associate producer.
OUT THIS WEEK…
APOCALYPTO Director Mel Gibson follows up “The Passion of the Christ” with this action-adventure tale about the end of the Mayan civilization.
EPIC MOVIE The writers of “Scary Movie” spoof such blockbusters as “Superman Returns,” “Pirates of the Caribbean,” and “The Chronicles of Narnia.” Starring Kal Penn and Adam Campbell.
KYLE XY, SEASON 1 This three-disc set collects the first season of the ABC Family series about a mysterious boy who doesn’t have a belly button.
HBO’s “Entourage” is back. Vince, Eric, Drama, and Turtle are still living large in La La Land. And we love it. Here are some reasons (4 to be exact) why it’s TV’s coolest half hour…
1) Jeremy Piven
As agent Ari Gold, Jeremy Piven is the most lovable bastard on TV. Every episode he delivers the best lines and the best insults since Archie Bunker. My personal favorites: “Let’s hug it out, bitch.” “Got Milf?” “Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That’s what actors do. They pretend.”
2) Kevin Dillon
Kevin Dillon, the less successful brother of actor Matt Dillon, portrays the less successful brother of actor Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier). It’s the role he was born to play. He’s the lovable loser to Ari’s lovable bastard. He’s pathetic and he hasn’t been funnier since “Heaven Help Us.” And that was in 1985.
3) Hot Chicks
Sure, there’s Emmanuelle Chriqui, Carla Gugino, and even Mandy Moore. But the babes I’m talking about are the ones whose names you don’t remember. There are always a gaggle of hot babes on “Entourage” as the boys go on the prowl. And they’re often naked! The babes, I mean.
4) Male Bonding
We’re not talking about Ari and Lloyd here. The heart and soul of the show is the camaraderie between Vince, Eric, Drama, and Turtle and their adventures in La La Land as they hang out, hook up, and have fun spending lots of cash. It’s the life every red-blooded American man is dying for. But that’s why we have TV. Thank you, HBO.
If “The Simpsons” have taught us anything it’s that two-dimensional characters are funnier than three-dimensional ones. There are as many great Simpsons quotes as there are Republicans in hell, which is another way to say “a lot.” For 18 years the residents of Springfield have been piling up the wittiest quotes ever uttered on TV. So, before the animated series hits the silver screen next week, here are the best quotes in Simpsons television history, in no particular order…
Attention, Lucy Lawless fans! Next weekend you’ll be able to get your Xena fix like never before. The warrior princess will not only appear at the 12th annual Xena Convention in Secaucus, New Jersey; Lawless will also be singing live at three shows in New York City.
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