I am not a homophobe. But for those of you who are — or think you might give the lifestyle a try when you get to college — I have compiled some activities you should avoid. They may seem innocuous but, brother, if you don’t watch it you could be sharing quality time with Lance Bass. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Eating bananas. What else needs to be said? You might as well be sucking cock. A rather large, delicious, potassium-filled cock. If you are a homophobe, refrain from eating or handling the big yellow fruit in any way. It only leads to fellatio.

Wiping your ass. Think about it. It’s no secret — the ass is second only to the cock in the homosexual pantheon of lovemaking. And it is my firm belief that ass-wiping is the “gateway drug” to man-on-man anal sex.

Praying. I would not advise prayer for any God-fearing homophobe. One, you’re on your knees: the so-called second position in man-on-man love. Two, you’re looking up to an omniscient, father type. Three, altar boys. It all adds up to “gay.”

Applying Chapstick. Next step, lipstick…then panties, a bra and fishnet stockings. Before you know it, you go from moist lips to lopping off your cock and calling yourself Tula. Real men, like cowboys and hobos, have dry, chapped lips.

Eating Boston creme donuts. Cream filling strongly resembles jizz. Do yourself a favor and stick with a manly coffee roll, and forget the napkin.

It’s embarassing. In social situations you feel awkward and inadequate, petrified that you’ll be discovered. You nod along with your friends and laugh like you’re part of the group. But you’re not. You’re an ignorant, uncool prude who doesn’t know a Donkey Punch from a Cincinnati Bowtie.

The next best thing to having sex is watching other people have sex. And the next best thing to watching other people have sex is talking about sex. So let me share a few of my favorite sexual terms and their meanings. You’ll be talking like a perverted pro in no time.

Danza Slap
The next time you need to show a woman who’s the boss, give her a Danza Slap. This is accomplished simply by smacking your woman in the face with your penis. The technique was so named after a legend that actor Tony Danza performed this act in porno movies. Another name for a Danza Slap is smurf, as in, “Tony needs to smurf Angela.”

Dirty Sanchez
Dirty Sanchez actually has two meanings, both of them very dirty. The more common definition involves wiping a dirty penis, after anal sex, on your partner’s buttocks or lip and drawing a moustache. The other, less common, definition is simpler to achieve. One only has to perform oral sex after engaging in anal sex.

Pearl Necklace
Women love jewelry. Men hate spending the cash. The Pearl Necklace is the perfect compromise. It only costs a few drops of semen on your loved one’s neck or throat.

Donkey Punch
It’s sounds like a ’80s video game, but it’s actually one of the most dangerous sexual maneuvers known to man. Engage in anal sex with your partner and at the point of orgasm punch her or him in the back of the head, which will supposedly knock the person out.

Lucky Pierre
Lucky Pierre is like the cream in a gay Oreo cookie. To become a Lucky Pierre yourself, you need two selfless homosexual buddies. Position yourself between your friends; allow the friend behind you to insert his penis in your anus; and then insert your own penis inside the anus of the buddy in front of you. You are now one lucky bastard — because you are the only one of the trio enjoing both sex acts at the same time!

Rusty Trombone
No musical talent is required for this act, but you do need to be flexible and a good multi-tasker. A Rusty Trombone is played by licking a man’s ass while reaching around and masturbating him. Do it and you’ll be amazed at how much it looks like you’re playing a trombone. If you hear music, you’ve been licking ass too long.

Cincinnati Bowtie
Every woman looks great in a Cincinnati Bowtie. To give your woman a Cincinatti Bowtie, place your penis between her breasts, with the penis facing downward. The penis and testicles, you’ll notice, greatly resemble a tie. For added pizazz, finish things off with a Pearl Necklace.

Mars Bar Party
Food and sex go together as well as Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. So it’s not surprising that this act — eating a Mars bar out of the vagina or anus — has been attributed to the Rolling Stone band mates. It is said that in 1967 Mick and Keith had a Mars Bar Party with Marianne Faithfull, who, of course, denies it. Things are further complicated by the fact that they don’t make Mars bars anymore. How about a Milky War Party?

Teabagging
Do you like your testicles with milk or sugar? Teabagging is a simple maneuver. Simply lower your testes into your partner’s mouth, as if you are dipping a Lipton tea bag into a mug. Then set on a slow boil, and you have a refreshing beverage.

Toss Salad
I consider this a half Rusty Trombone, as it’s nothing more than performing oral sex on someone’s anus. With a little more effort, do a Reach Around and you have yourself a proper Rusty Trombone.

Scissor Fight
Scissors are not required. Just two vaginas. A Scissor Fight occurs when two women press their nether parts together by intertwining their legs.

Felch
Dirtier than a Dirty Sanchez, rustier than a Rusty Trombone, Felching is probably the grossest term in this list, which is saying a lot. Felching is the act of ejaculated into the anus and then licking or sucking out the semen.

Angry Dragon
This is probably the most difficult act to achieve, but also the most satisfying when successful. This is how it’s done: ejaculate into your partner’s mouth; then hit him or her in the back of the head, thus sending the ejaculate out the nose. Just like a cum-breathing dragon!

My favorite name for pubic hair: Gorilla Salad

[DISCLAIMER: Blogzarro does not condone or encourage attemping any of the above activities. If, however, you are still impelled to experiment, please, practice safe sex.]

Porno veteran Randy Spears (pictured at right) is a decent actor.

How I Learned This: Between 3:40 and 4:00 am, I watched the “erotic-thriller” (which means it’s watered-down cable porn with a detective story thrown in) “Dangerous Passions,” also starring Jezebelle Bond (love that name) and Dick Smothers Jr. (that isn’t a made-up porn name; it’s actually Dick Smothers‘ son).

Side Note: After a bizarre mental mash-up of porn names back in 1996 or ’97, I was convinced this new pop star by the name of Britney Spears was actually a porn actress. The actors who caused the confusion were Brittany Andrews and Randy Spears. Much to my disappointment, I caught Britney Spears on the Jenny Jones show and soon realized that she was 16 years old. Though, a porn career is looking more promising every day.