I am not a homophobe. But for those of you who are — or think you might give the lifestyle a try when you get to college — I have compiled some activities you should avoid. They may seem innocuous but, brother, if you don’t watch it you could be sharing quality time with Lance Bass. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Eating bananas. What else needs to be said? You might as well be sucking cock. A rather large, delicious, potassium-filled cock. If you are a homophobe, refrain from eating or handling the big yellow fruit in any way. It only leads to fellatio.
Wiping your ass. Think about it. It’s no secret — the ass is second only to the cock in the homosexual pantheon of lovemaking. And it is my firm belief that ass-wiping is the “gateway drug” to man-on-man anal sex.
Praying. I would not advise prayer for any God-fearing homophobe. One, you’re on your knees: the so-called second position in man-on-man love. Two, you’re looking up to an omniscient, father type. Three, altar boys. It all adds up to “gay.”
Applying Chapstick. Next step, lipstick…then panties, a bra and fishnet stockings. Before you know it, you go from moist lips to lopping off your cock and calling yourself Tula. Real men, like cowboys and hobos, have dry, chapped lips.
Eating Boston creme donuts. Cream filling strongly resembles jizz. Do yourself a favor and stick with a manly coffee roll, and forget the napkin.
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It’s embarassing. In social situations you feel awkward and inadequate, petrified that you’ll be discovered. You nod along with your friends and laugh like you’re part of the group. But you’re not. You’re an ignorant, uncool prude who doesn’t know a Donkey Punch from a Cincinnati Bowtie.
From Internet chat rooms to the executive board room, these sexual terms and others like them are being kicked around like nobody’s business. But many of the uninitiated haven’t a clue what they mean.
The next best thing to having sex is watching other people have sex. And the next best thing to watching other people have sex is talking about sex. So let me share a few of my favorite sexual terms and their meanings. You’ll be talking like a perverted pro in no time.
Danza Slap
The next time you need to show a woman who’s the boss, give her a Danza Slap. This is accomplished simply by smacking your woman in the face with your penis. The technique was so named after a legend that actor Tony Danza performed this act in porno movies. Another name for a Danza Slap is smurf, as in, “Tony needs to smurf Angela.”
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Porno veteran Randy Spears (pictured at right) is a decent actor.
How I Learned This: Between 3:40 and 4:00 am, I watched the “erotic-thriller” (which means it’s watered-down cable porn with a detective story thrown in) “Dangerous Passions,” also starring Jezebelle Bond (love that name) and Dick Smothers Jr. (that isn’t a made-up porn name; it’s actually Dick Smothers‘ son).
Side Note: After a bizarre mental mash-up of porn names back in 1996 or ’97, I was convinced this new pop star by the name of Britney Spears was actually a porn actress. The actors who caused the confusion were Brittany Andrews and Randy Spears. Much to my disappointment, I caught Britney Spears on the Jenny Jones show and soon realized that she was 16 years old. Though, a porn career is looking more promising every day.
