Before tonight I had never seen one minute of the “Tonight Show” with Conan O’Brien. I tuned in for the first time last night, to catch the last 15 minutes of his final show. And as I watched Conan choke up during his classy farewell speech, I felt like a diehard fan after his team has lost the World Series — albeit a diehard fan seeing a baseball game for the first time.
I was thinking: Those bastards are taking Conan away from us! What will we do now?
In the final moments of his tenure at the “Tonight Show,” Conan came across as a pretty cool guy. And it didn’t matter if I was a viewer before, because now I was rooting for him. I actually felt nostalgic for a show I had never seen.
NBC’s corporate douchebaggery has made Conan a folkhero. This whole mess has mobilized his fans, sort of like how all these celebs come out when a country is hit with an earthquake. Like Haiti, Conan, too, was hit by a natural disaster, NBC. So support Coco. Help him rebuild.
When Conan mounts a new show this fall I’ll make sure I watch. Fuck NBC! I’m with Coco. Or, thank you, NBC, you’ve given me something to look forward to watching on FOX in the fall.
But a definite fuck you to whomever cancelled “The Greatest American Hero.” That was an awesome show.
I finally conformed and joined the Twitter craze — and what happens in just a matter of days? All my inane tweets have been deleted! There has been no explanation. No trail of evidence. Did I piss someone off over in Twitterville? Or does Twitter have occassional glitches that wipe out everything you’ve written?
Fuck Twitter! Who needs them when I have Blogzarro!!!
John McCain has been calling himself a maverick. So, I decided to look up the word in the dictionary. Turns out, maverick means “a crotchety douche-nozzle who thinks calling himself a noncomformist enough times makes him a noncomformist.”
10. She would name Kim Kardashian Secretary of the Posterior! [Voice: junk in the trunk]
9. The White House would finally get a hot tub.
8. She would replaced stufffy Vice President with slutty BFF.
7. She’d have the best presidential abs since James K. Polk.
6. 25 percent more sex scandals than Clinton administration.
5. Finally a president with a low IQ and history of boozing who’s riding the coattails of a wealthy family. Oh, wait!
4. Real stimulus package: free copy of the sex tape “One Night in Paris.”
3. She would end the war in Iraq. After all, she does favor quick pull-outs. [Voice: floozy]
2. Ceiling mirrors in the Lincoln bedroom.
1. She has more experience than Barack…you know what we’re talking about. [Voice: promiscuous]
Finally a president you’d actually want to score with.
SARAH PALIN
A lot of people are worried about Sarah Palin’s readiness to be vice president. I’m worried about Todd Palin’s readiness to be the husband of a V.P. If my wife was the vice president I’d be going out of my mind…when the hell is she gonna have time to make my dinner?! And that was my sexist joke of the day. But it’s true…because I’m a lazy man, and I really would still expect my wife to make me dinner. I don’t care if you’re a heartbeat away from the presidency. The American people might have elected you, but I married you. John McCain would call: “Um, is Sarah there? I need her at the White House.” “Yeah, but she’s making me eggs right now. She’ll be there soon.” “There’s a situation with Russia!” “Breakfast is a really important meal, Mr. President. Can’t it wait?” And the world would end because I refuse to make my own food! That’s why we can’t have a female vice president. Because men are jerks. But, honestly, she’d still have to make me breakfast.
Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old pregnant daughter is making big news. What’s the big deal? The girl is from Alaska. What else is there to do in Alaska? Make snow angels and beat up Eskimos?
Many pundits are saying that politicians’ families should be “off-limits.” Apparently nobody told that to the young man who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter.
GEORGE BUSH
President Bush gave his speech at the Republican National Convention — 1,100 miles away via satellite. You have to feel bad for Bush. He’s like that kid on the playground with cooties.
Bush: “I heard you guys were having a convention or something.”
McCain: “Yeah, kinda. No big thing, really. Just some of us Republicans getting together. You wouldn’t want to go. It’s gonna be pretty boring.”
Bush: “Well, I like conventions.”
McCain: “You’re real busy running the country, right? We didn’t want to bother you. …Um, isn’t there a hurricane or something about to hit the Gulf Coast?”
Bush wasn’t the only high-profile Republican absent from the convention. Condoleezza Rice was sent on a tour of North Africa this week and Dick Cheney was dispatched to the Eastern European nation of Georgia. What are they going to do with these three after the election? Send them off to leper island?
It took Republicans a while to come around, but finally they agree with Democrats — Bush is a loser!
(11 votes, average: 8.18 out of 10)
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