Before tonight I had never seen one minute of the “Tonight Show” with Conan O’Brien. I tuned in for the first time last night, to catch the last 15 minutes of his final show. And as I watched Conan choke up during his classy farewell speech, I felt like a diehard fan after his team has lost the World Series — albeit a diehard fan seeing a baseball game for the first time.
I was thinking: Those bastards are taking Conan away from us! What will we do now?
In the final moments of his tenure at the “Tonight Show,” Conan came across as a pretty cool guy. And it didn’t matter if I was a viewer before, because now I was rooting for him. I actually felt nostalgic for a show I had never seen.
NBC’s corporate douchebaggery has made Conan a folkhero. This whole mess has mobilized his fans, sort of like how all these celebs come out when a country is hit with an earthquake. Like Haiti, Conan, too, was hit by a natural disaster, NBC. So support Coco. Help him rebuild.
When Conan mounts a new show this fall I’ll make sure I watch. Fuck NBC! I’m with Coco. Or, thank you, NBC, you’ve given me something to look forward to watching on FOX in the fall.
But a definite fuck you to whomever cancelled “The Greatest American Hero.” That was an awesome show.
I finally conformed and joined the Twitter craze — and what happens in just a matter of days? All my inane tweets have been deleted! There has been no explanation. No trail of evidence. Did I piss someone off over in Twitterville? Or does Twitter have occassional glitches that wipe out everything you’ve written?
Fuck Twitter! Who needs them when I have Blogzarro!!!
John McCain has been calling himself a maverick. So, I decided to look up the word in the dictionary. Turns out, maverick means “a crotchety douche-nozzle who thinks calling himself a noncomformist enough times makes him a noncomformist.”
SARAH PALIN
A lot of people are worried about Sarah Palin’s readiness to be vice president. I’m worried about Todd Palin’s readiness to be the husband of a V.P. If my wife was the vice president I’d be going out of my mind…when the hell is she gonna have time to make my dinner?! And that was my sexist joke of the day. But it’s true…because I’m a lazy man, and I really would still expect my wife to make me dinner. I don’t care if you’re a heartbeat away from the presidency. The American people might have elected you, but I married you. John McCain would call: “Um, is Sarah there? I need her at the White House.” “Yeah, but she’s making me eggs right now. She’ll be there soon.” “There’s a situation with Russia!” “Breakfast is a really important meal, Mr. President. Can’t it wait?” And the world would end because I refuse to make my own food! That’s why we can’t have a female vice president. Because men are jerks. But, honestly, she’d still have to make me breakfast.
Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old pregnant daughter is making big news. What’s the big deal? The girl is from Alaska. What else is there to do in Alaska? Make snow angels and beat up Eskimos?
Many pundits are saying that politicians’ families should be “off-limits.” Apparently nobody told that to the young man who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter.
GEORGE BUSH
President Bush gave his speech at the Republican National Convention — 1,100 miles away via satellite. You have to feel bad for Bush. He’s like that kid on the playground with cooties.
Bush: “I heard you guys were having a convention or something.”
McCain: “Yeah, kinda. No big thing, really. Just some of us Republicans getting together. You wouldn’t want to go. It’s gonna be pretty boring.”
Bush: “Well, I like conventions.”
McCain: “You’re real busy running the country, right? We didn’t want to bother you. …Um, isn’t there a hurricane or something about to hit the Gulf Coast?”
Bush wasn’t the only high-profile Republican absent from the convention. Condoleezza Rice was sent on a tour of North Africa this week and Dick Cheney was dispatched to the Eastern European nation of Georgia. What are they going to do with these three after the election? Send them off to leper island?
It took Republicans a while to come around, but finally they agree with Democrats — Bush is a loser!
As you know, John McCain has chosen a running mate — one-time Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. I just have one thing to say about that…VP-ILF.
McCain, I don’t agree with any of your policies, but your running mate is one little cutie. She’s got that Tina Fey thing going on, but she’s actually pretty. I’m beginning to like the way you think, you sly old dog. Sarah, you want to do some off-shore drilling? Fine with me. Just name the time and the shore.
So to recap, McCain picked a young, good-looking running mate with little political experience. And Obama chose a grumpy, old white guy with decades of political experience. The message is plain: These two guys are hot for each other. Admit it and join forces. A McCain - Obama ticket is a sure thing!
It has come to my attention that someone in Vatican City has visited Blogzarro. That shouldn’t surprise you; Blogzarro is a popular blog with a wide range of quality posts for folks from all walks of life. However, after investigating Google Analytics (a website stat tracker), I discovered some disturbing details. Turns out my friend (or friends) in the Vatican checked out probably the nastiest, most pornographic page on Blogzarro (which, as devoted readers know, is saying something) — twice. Click here to see what our holy web surfer saw.
Yes, I admit it could have been a janitor or one of Satan’s undercover operatives who was browsing said filth (highly entertaining filth, but filth nonetheless). I have my suspicions, though. Do you think I’d go down with His Holiness if you were sent to hell because of reading Blogzarro?
Some time has passed between posts this year, prompting this question from loyal Blogzarro readers: “What the hell have I been doing?” I wish I had a simple answer. So, to explain myself, here’s an easy-to-read list…
I’ve been enjoying “The Two Coreys” a little too much. It’s easily the funniest show on TV (the humor, I think, is unintentional). My new favorite catchphrase: “I should just put you in the ground, kid.” Or: any sentence ending in “kid.” Also, I think it was Kiefer Sutherland who raped, so to speak, both the Coreys in their younger days. Gotta be. Or was it that other Frog Brother? He was always kinda creepy. It’s a hell of a mystery. Though, how cool would it be if one Corey molested the other, then in retaliation, the other Corey molests Corey? I smell a LOGO TV movie.
I’ve been listening to My Chemical Romance, so much so that I’m on the verge of cutting myself and then committing suicide by hanging. About 11 more hours of “The Black Parade” should do it.
I’ve been trying to lower my BMI so the trainer on Wii Fit quits talking to me in that condescending voice. (I’m down 25 pounds already.)
I’ve been coasting a lot while driving in an attempt to save gas. I’m also working on a Flintstone-esque car powered by my bare feet.
I’ve been battling waterbugs. I faced off against a tag-team of the biggest mothers ever to be seen in a Brooklyn bathroom. I came out victorious. My mop, however, was lost in the battle.
I’ve been eagerly awaiting my stimulus check, so I can thumb my nose at George Bush by putting the money in the bank and never spending it. Or, better yet, take the money and donate it to the Obama campaign (genius idea!).
I’ve been obsessing over Fantasy Baseball during much of my waking hours. My wife doesn’t agree, but I think it’s time well spent, because when I win — and I will win — I will have…well, nothing really. But I can’t help myself. Is there such a thing as Fantasy Baseball Rehab?
I’ve been working on Eliot Spitzer jokes, still. Here are three: 1) “I thought it was funny when I heard that Eliot Spitzer was caught paying a woman for sex. ‘Cause he’s been screwing New Yorkers for years and hasn’t paid them a dime.” 2) “Former governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey was shocked when he heard that Eliot Spitzer paid $5000 an hour for sex. He was quoted as saying, ‘Doesn’t he know he can get all the sex he wants for free at any Turnpike rest stop?’” 3) “When asked what he was doing with a prostitute, Governor Spitzer said he was working on his new stimulus package.”
Now George Carlin (who died Sunday) will find out if God really loves him — or, for that matter, if He even exists. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for both.
Fantasy baseball season is here and Blogzarro is joining the fun. Of course, we’re going to do things in a Bizarro fashion. So the Blogzarro Ball League will reward failure, bad play, and general crapiness. Think the New York Mets in September 2007. Hit a home run and points are deducted, blow a save and receive points. God forbid you pitch a perfect game (-100 points). But lose on a regular basis and you’ll be Blogzarro Ball champ in the end. That’s how we play in Blogzarro Land.
The league is open to anyone who wants to join.
There will be only 12 teams, but we’ll make room for more depending on the response. Once all the teams have joined, players will be auto-picked.
In order to join the league, follow the link below, click the “Sign Up Now” or “Get Another Team” button and follow the links to “Join a Custom League.” When prompted, enter the League ID# and password below.
Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker have returned to the top of the box office. “Rush Hour 3″ earned $50.2 million in its opening weekend, topping last weekend’s No. 1 movie, “The Bourne Ultimatum.” The Matt Damon spy thriller dropped to second with $33.7 million, taking its 10-day total to $132 million.
The weekend’s other Top 5 debut, “Stardust,” took in $9 million. The fantasy flick, starring Claire Danes, Robert De Niro, and Michelle Pfeiffer, was fourth. It’s based on the book by Neil Gaiman.
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As you know, John McCain has chosen a running mate — one-time Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. I just have one thing to say about that…VP-ILF.
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