10. TRANSEXUCRON
Transexucron transforms from a confused young boy into a beautiful woman with unnaturally large hands. Penis detaches and can be used as a laser cannon.
9. BLOCKBUSTER
Blockbuster transforms from a simple children’s TV show into an over-the-top, special-effects-laden summer movie event. Sells for around $200 million.
8. BRONCO
A 1993 white Ford Bronco that transforms into an ex-football star with a penchant for stabbing women who done him wrong. Leather gloves sold separately.
7. LEMON
In car mode, Lemon is a slow-moving, not-very-powerful Kia Rio that is in constant danger of getting into an accident while trying to merge onto the highway. Only transforms into robot mode after warming up for 20 minutes.
6. EIGHT TRACK
Leader of the obsolete disco bot team, Eight Track comes with roller skates, hot pants, and a love for Donna Summer.
5. CYBER SEX
As a member of the Decepticon Internet team, Cyber Sex is a beautiful young robot that transforms into a middle-aged pedophile. Equipped with his own MySpace page and fake profile photo of a 12-year-old.
4. CAR JACK
A crack pipe that transforms into a desperate street thug without the skills to steal a car the proper way.
3. MOTOR OLA
This Decepticon communications officer is a cell phone that transforms into the leader of the product-placement bots. Kills enemies by inducing brain tumors and talking loudly on the bus.
2. DRIVE-BY
A 2007 Hummer H2 that transforms into Suge Knight. Alibi included.
1. WIFEATRON
In girlfriend mode, Wifeatron is a pleasant, peaceful young woman. But once in wife mode, Wifeatron is ready for battle! Weapons include ball and chain, battle axe, and a perfect memory of every insult you ever uttered.
Optimus Prime is getting all the attention with the hype surrounding the “Transformers” movie. But what of those trucks that have come before and after the great Autobot leader? Blogzarro has scoured the world of movies, television, and comics to compile a list of the coolest trucks ever assembled. Here, I present another useless, idiotic list. Enjoy!
| 1 | OPTIMUS PRIME (Transformers)
Optimus isn’t just a damn truck. Aintcha heard, junior? He’s a robot in disguise. That makes Optimus Prime twice as cool as these other mere mortal trucks. How do you compete with a semi-truck equipped with a big-ass gun? Plus, he could kick any of these other guys’ tailpipes with one hand tied behind his back. However, I always thought the coolest thing about Prime was his deep, authoritative voice. But then I learned that Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime) is also the voice of Eeyore. So I can’t watch Winnie the Pooh without thinking, “Eeyore is freakin’ Optimus Prime!” Consequently, Eeyore has now become cooler than Tigger, but still not as cool as Piglet. |
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| 2 | GOLIATH (Knight Rider)
Coolness factor? Other than the fact that Goliath was driven by an evil, goateed David Hasselhoff, aka Garthe Knight? Because it doesn’t get any better than that in my book. Thousands of young fanboys in the ’80s gasped when they thought KITT was down for the count after a collision with Goliath. Plus, the Knight Rider race track was the most highly anticipated Christmas gift of my childhood and allowed me to recreate the famed collision in my own home. |
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| 3 | ROAD RAGE TANK TRUCK (Duel)
Before “Jaws,” Steven Spielberg brought terror to the highway with “Duel,” a 1971 TV movie about a businessman terrorized by a psycho in a rusty Peterbilt tank truck. This was way before anyone ever heard of the phrase “road rage” or the name Steven Spielberg. Think of “Duel” as “Jaws” on the highway. |
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Pixar’s latest animated movie, “Ratatouille,” beat out Bruce Willis‘s return as John McClane in “Live Free or Die Hard” at the weekend box office.
“Ratatouille,” about a rat who wants to be a gourmet chef, earned $47.2 million in its opening weekend. That’s the lowest opening for a Pixar movie in nine years.
The first “Die Hard” movie in 12 years took in $33.2 million in its opening weekend and $48 million since opening on Wednesday.
“Evan Almighty” continued to perform poorly at the box office. The most expensive comedy ever produced saw its gross drop by 52% from last weekend. The movie, which cost $175 million to make, has earned $60.6 million in 10 days.
| Rank | Title | Gross | Last Week |
| 1 | Ratatouille | $47,227,000 | - |
| 2 | Live Free or Die Hard | $33,150,000 | - |
| 3 | Evan Almighty | $15,089,000 | 1 |
| 4 | 1408 | $10,610,000 | 2 |
| 5 | Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer | $9,000,000 | 3 |
| 6 | Knocked Up | $7,418,000 | 5 |
| 7 | Ocean’s Thirteen | $6,050,000 | 4 |
| 8 | Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End | $5,015,000 | 6 |
| 9 | Sicko | $4,500,000 | 31 |
| 10 | Evening | $3,513,000 | - |
DEAD SILENCE
Release Date: June 26
Starring: Ryan Kwaten, Donnie Wahlberg
Director: James Wan
Length: 91 minutes
Plot holes sink what could have been a classic ghost tale. After his wife is murdered, Jamie Ashen (Ryan Kwaten) returns to his spooky and fog-drenched hometown, where he uncovers the mystery of Mary Shaw, a dead ventriloquist who sought to create the perfect doll. Donnie Wahlberg co-stars as the incredulous cop who suspects Jamie of murdering his wife, and who, for some reason, constantly shaves his face with an electric razor. Kwaten is uninteresting but Wahlberg and his electic razor add some personality. There are plenty of creepy moments, most of which come via doll heads slowly turning or the face of Mary Shaw in the shadows. But there are plenty of cliches and lazy storytelling, too. The pulse-pounding ending almost makes up for the rest of the film. I expected more, though, from the writing and directing team (Leigh Whannell and James Wan) of “Saw.” If you don’t ask too many nagging questions, you’ll get sufficiently creeped out and probably leave the lights on for the next few nights.
DVD GOODIES
Included are an alternate beginning and an alternate ending, which, after you watch it, will make you understand why they didn’t use it; deleted scenes; and a making-of featurette.
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN This two-disc set contains all the episodes from the first Superman animated TV series. Circa 1966. JUNE 26 | $19.99
BLACK SNAKE MOAN Samuel L. Jackson chains Christina Ricci to a radiator in this tale of the blues and redemption. Read Blogzarro’s review here. JUNE 26 | $17.99
SHOOTER Donnie’s little brother Mark Wahlberg stars as a marksman framed for the assassination of the president. JUNE 26 | $17.99
STANDING STILL The tale of a young couple the night before their wedding. Starring Amy Adams and Adam Garcia. JUNE 26 | $17.99
The American Film Institute recently released its new list of the 100 greatest movies of all time. It turns out that I’ve seen 83 of these so-called great movies (for you math whizzes, that’s 83%). So, why the hell haven’t I seen those other 17 movies? It’s not like I’m doing anything special. And since the AFI says these are the greatest movies of all time, I guess I’m really missing out. Here are the 17 greatest movies I have never seen and the reasons why I haven’t seen them (AFI rank at left).
7. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA | Too freakin’ long.
11. CITY LIGHTS | There’s just so many silent films a person can tolerate in his lifetime, and I filled my quota.
18. THE GENERAL | Silent. Comedy. Sounds like mime to me. Next!
26. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON | It’s the 21st century. This rah-rah-rah Jimmy Stewart feel-good, sappy crap just pisses me off.
28. ALL ABOUT EVE | The only men who enjoy this film wear eyeliner and tweeze their eyebrows.
29. DOUBLE INDEMNITY | I would like to see this, but I always wanted to read the book first. And I haven’t read the book, so…
44. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY | Katherine Hepburn gives me the creeps.
46. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT | Yeah, but it ain’t happening tonight. Romantic comedies aren’t my cup of tea and romantic comedies from the ’30s are even less so.
49. INTOLERANCE | A 163-minute silent movie by the director of “Birth of a Nation”? I could watch “Highlander” and half of “Flash Gordon” in that time. I’ll pass.
59. NASHVILLE | Nashville is the capital of country music. I hate country music. Therefore, I’ve stayed away from this movie.
61. SULLIVAN’S TRAVELS | Don’t know anything about it. Don’t care.
