Harry Potter Conjures Up Box Office Win

“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” the fifth movie in the fantasy series, topped the weekend box office with $77.4 million, knocking “Transformers” to second place.

“Harry Potter” has earned $140 million since opening on Wednesday.

“Order of the Phoenix” had the lowest opening weekend gross of any Harry Potter film. However, it is the first of the series to open on a Wednesday. The last movie, 2004′s “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban,” earned $93.7 in its opening weekend, and “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” had the best opening weekend in the series with $102.7 million.

The weekend’s only other new release, the horror film “Captivity,” landed in 12th place with $1.6 million. The movie, starring Elisha Cuthbert, played in 1,050 theaters.

“Transformers” earned another $36.7 million, raising its total to $223 million.

Posted in Movies, News | 3 Comments »

Friday the 13th: Celebration of a Slasher

On the unluckiest day of the year, Blogzarro celebrates the killer who made us love Friday the 13th.

Come with me now on a journey through the life and times of everyone’s favorite hockey-masked-wearing killer…

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Posted in Movies | 8 Comments »

Weekend Box Office: Transformers Rocks Box Office

“Transformers” didn’t disappoint at the box office. The action extravaganza, based on the ’80s animated series, crushed the competition by earning $67.6 million over the weekend to land at No. 1. The Michael Bay-directed movie has broken several records. It set the record for the highest gross for a non-sequel in its first seven day with $152.6 million since opening on Tuesday, surpassing 2002′s “Spider-Man.” “Transformers” also set records for best Tuesday opening with $27.5 million and best July 4th gross ever with $29.1 million.

In comparison, “Spider-Man 3″ earned $151.1 million in its first three days of release and “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” took in $114.7 million in its opening weekend.

The week’s only other new release, “License to Wed,” starring Robin Williams and Mandy Moore, landed in fourth place with $10.4 million over the weekend and $17.8 million since opening on Tuesday.

Posted in Movies, News | 15 Comments »

The Best of Blogzarro

How can a blog so terrible, so intrinsically bad, so offensive and puerile have a best-of? Well, it can. The other day a young man asked me, “Isn’t ‘The Best of Blogzarro’ kinda like a Great White greatest hits album?” After gut-punching the young man when he wasn’t looking and then arguing that even crap has differing levels of quality, I said, “Who the hell are you? And how did you know about the ‘Best of Blogzarro’ post before I even published it?” Nevertheless, I present the greatest and most popular posts of the first six months of Blogzarro’s existence. Perhaps you missed one or all of them. Now is the time to catch up. If you would like to learn more about the art of gut-punching or Blogzarro, head over to your local library (or just hit the links under the ‘categories’ section to your right).

1 | Lame Superhero of the Week: She-Thing

Wherein I discuss the pros and cons of a relationship with a rock creature. By the way, I’m all for it.

2 | Wonder Woman and the Phallic Menace

Wherein I infiltrate the secret world of phalluses and superheroines and prove that neither comes out the victor.

3 | The 20 Greatest Spider-Man Villains

Wherein I create a list that no one agrees on.

4 | The Bizarre, The Bad, The Bawdy Baseball Names

Wherein I get to write the words “rusty” and “kuntz” without referring to sex.

5 | The 10 Coolest ‘Fictional’ Trucks

Wherein I compile one of the stupidest lists of all time.

6 | Other Amusement Rides That Should Be Turned Into Movies

Wherein I prove that I have what it takes to pitch a blockbuster movie and bring laughter where there was only sadness.

7 | An Intro to Dubious Sexual Terminology

Wherein I use the word “Donkey Punch,” which results in thousands of hits from people searching Google for filthy sexual acts.

8 | Top 10 Rejected Transformers

Wherein I create my own robots in disguise and subsequently piss off a lot of Transformers fans.

9 | Lame Superhero of the Week: The Gay Ghost

Wherein I make many cheap gay jokes and at least one expensive one.

10 | Top 10 Ways George Lucas Hasn’t Sold-Out Star Wars

Wherein I take on the mighty George Lucas and prevail.

Posted in Comic Books, Humor, Movies, Television | 1 Comment »

Top 10 Rejected Transformers

10. TRANSEXUCRON
Transexucron transforms from a confused young boy into a beautiful woman with unnaturally large hands. Penis detaches and can be used as a laser cannon.

9. BLOCKBUSTER
Blockbuster transforms from a simple children’s TV show into an over-the-top, special-effects-laden summer movie event. Sells for around $200 million.

8. BRONCO
A 1993 white Ford Bronco that transforms into an ex-football star with a penchant for stabbing women who done him wrong. Leather gloves sold separately.

7. LEMON
In car mode, Lemon is a slow-moving, not-very-powerful Kia Rio that is in constant danger of getting into an accident while trying to merge onto the highway. Only transforms into robot mode after warming up for 20 minutes.

6. EIGHT TRACK
Leader of the obsolete disco bot team, Eight Track comes with roller skates, hot pants, and a love for Donna Summer.

5. CYBER SEX
As a member of the Decepticon Internet team, Cyber Sex is a beautiful young robot that transforms into a middle-aged pedophile. Equipped with his own MySpace page and fake profile photo of a 12-year-old.

4. CAR JACK
A crack pipe that transforms into a desperate street thug without the skills to steal a car the proper way.

3. MOTOR OLA
This Decepticon communications officer is a cell phone that transforms into the leader of the product-placement bots. Kills enemies by inducing brain tumors and talking loudly on the bus.

2. DRIVE-BY
A 2007 Hummer H2 that transforms into Suge Knight. Alibi included.

1. WIFEATRON
In girlfriend mode, Wifeatron is a pleasant, peaceful young woman. But once in wife mode, Wifeatron is ready for battle! Weapons include ball and chain, battle axe, and a perfect memory of every insult you ever uttered.

Posted in Humor, Movies, Television, Top 10 Lists | 5 Comments »

The 10 Coolest ‘Fictional’ Trucks

Optimus Prime is getting all the attention with the hype surrounding the “Transformers” movie. But what of those trucks that have come before and after the great Autobot leader? Blogzarro has scoured the world of movies, television, and comics to compile a list of the coolest trucks ever assembled. Here, I present another useless, idiotic list. Enjoy!

1 | OPTIMUS PRIME (Transformers) Optimus isn’t just a damn truck. Aintcha heard, junior? He’s a robot in disguise. That makes Optimus Prime twice as cool as these other mere mortal trucks. How do you compete with a semi-truck equipped with a big-ass gun? Plus, he could kick any of these other guys’ tailpipes with one hand tied behind his back. However, I always thought the coolest thing about Prime was his deep, authoritative voice. But then I learned that Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime) is also the voice of Eeyore. So I can’t watch Winnie the Pooh without thinking, “Eeyore is freakin’ Optimus Prime!” Consequently, Eeyore has now become cooler than Tigger, but still not as cool as Piglet.

2 | GOLIATH (Knight Rider) Coolness factor? Other than the fact that Goliath was driven by an evil, goateed David Hasselhoff, aka Garthe Knight? Because it doesn’t get any better than that in my book. Thousands of young fanboys in the ’80s gasped when they thought KITT was down for the count after a collision with Goliath. Plus, the Knight Rider race track was the most highly anticipated Christmas gift of my childhood and allowed me to recreate the famed collision in my own home.

3 | ROAD RAGE TANK TRUCK (Duel) Before “Jaws,” Steven Spielberg brought terror to the highway with “Duel,” a 1971 TV movie about a businessman terrorized by a psycho in a rusty Peterbilt tank truck. This was way before anyone ever heard of the phrase “road rage” or the name Steven Spielberg. Think of “Duel” as “Jaws” on the highway.

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Posted in Comic Books, Movies, Television | 45 Comments »

Weekend Box Office: Ratatouille Serves Up a Win

Pixar’s latest animated movie, “Ratatouille,” beat out Bruce Willis‘s return as John McClane in “Live Free or Die Hard” at the weekend box office.

“Ratatouille,” about a rat who wants to be a gourmet chef, earned $47.2 million in its opening weekend. That’s the lowest opening for a Pixar movie in nine years.

The first “Die Hard” movie in 12 years took in $33.2 million in its opening weekend and $48 million since opening on Wednesday.

“Evan Almighty” continued to perform poorly at the box office. The most expensive comedy ever produced saw its gross drop by 52% from last weekend. The movie, which cost $175 million to make, has earned $60.6 million in 10 days.

Posted in Movies, News | 12 Comments »

DVD Report: Dead Silence

DEAD SILENCE
Release Date: June 26
Starring: Ryan Kwaten, Donnie Wahlberg
Director: James Wan
Length: 91 minutes

Plot holes sink what could have been a classic ghost tale. After his wife is murdered, Jamie Ashen (Ryan Kwaten) returns to his spooky and fog-drenched hometown, where he uncovers the mystery of Mary Shaw, a dead ventriloquist who sought to create the perfect doll. Donnie Wahlberg co-stars as the incredulous cop who suspects Jamie of murdering his wife, and who, for some reason, constantly shaves his face with an electric razor. Kwaten is uninteresting but Wahlberg and his electic razor add some personality. There are plenty of creepy moments, most of which come via doll heads slowly turning or the face of Mary Shaw in the shadows. But there are plenty of cliches and lazy storytelling, too. The pulse-pounding ending almost makes up for the rest of the film. I expected more, though, from the writing and directing team (Leigh Whannell and James Wan) of “Saw.” If you don’t ask too many nagging questions, you’ll get sufficiently creeped out and probably leave the lights on for the next few nights.

DVD GOODIES
Included are an alternate beginning and an alternate ending, which, after you watch it, will make you understand why they didn’t use it; deleted scenes; and a making-of featurette.

THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN This two-disc set contains all the episodes from the first Superman animated TV series. Circa 1966. JUNE 26 | $19.99

BLACK SNAKE MOAN Samuel L. Jackson chains Christina Ricci to a radiator in this tale of the blues and redemption. Read Blogzarro’s review here. JUNE 26 | $17.99

SHOOTER Donnie’s little brother Mark Wahlberg stars as a marksman framed for the assassination of the president. JUNE 26 | $17.99

STANDING STILL The tale of a young couple the night before their wedding. Starring Amy Adams and Adam Garcia. JUNE 26 | $17.99

Posted in DVDs, Movies, Reviews | 1 Comment »

The Greatest Movies I’ve Never Seen

The American Film Institute recently released its new list of the 100 greatest movies of all time. It turns out that I’ve seen 83 of these so-called great movies (for you math whizzes, that’s 83%). So, why the hell haven’t I seen those other 17 movies? It’s not like I’m doing anything special. And since the AFI says these are the greatest movies of all time, I guess I’m really missing out. Here are the 17 greatest movies I have never seen and the reasons why I haven’t seen them (AFI rank at left).

7. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA | Too freakin’ long.

11. CITY LIGHTS | There’s just so many silent films a person can tolerate in his lifetime, and I filled my quota.

18. THE GENERAL | Silent. Comedy. Sounds like mime to me. Next!

26. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON | It’s the 21st century. This rah-rah-rah Jimmy Stewart feel-good, sappy crap just pisses me off.

28. ALL ABOUT EVE | The only men who enjoy this film wear eyeliner and tweeze their eyebrows.

29. DOUBLE INDEMNITY | I would like to see this, but I always wanted to read the book first. And I haven’t read the book, so…

44. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY | Katherine Hepburn gives me the creeps.

46. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT | Yeah, but it ain’t happening tonight. Romantic comedies aren’t my cup of tea and romantic comedies from the ’30s are even less so.

49. INTOLERANCE | A 163-minute silent movie by the director of “Birth of a Nation”? I could watch “Highlander” and half of “Flash Gordon” in that time. I’ll pass.

59. NASHVILLE | Nashville is the capital of country music. I hate country music. Therefore, I’ve stayed away from this movie.

61. SULLIVAN’S TRAVELS | Don’t know anything about it. Don’t care.

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Posted in Humor, Movies | 9 Comments »

Weekend Box Office: Evan Almighty Not So Mighty

“Evan Almighty,” the most expensive comedy ever produced with a $175 million budget, opened in first place with a lower-than-expected tally of $32.1 million. That’s the lowest total for a No. 1 opening weekend this summer. The comedy, starring Steve Carell, is based on “Bruce Almighty,” which opened with $68 million in 2003.

The haunted hotel room flick “1408,” based on a Stephen King short story, opened in second with $20.2 million. It stars John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson.

“Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” saw a 65 percent drop-off in its second weekend, going from first to third with $20.1 million. The superhero sequel has made $97.6 million in 10 days.

Posted in Movies, News | No Comments »