No idea is too lame for Hollywood. With the release of “Battleship,” board-game-”inspired” movies are poised to be the next hot thing in Tinseltown. In fact, there’s already a Candyland film in the works with Adam Sandler attached. (Apparently Eddie Murphy was too busy working on a Chutes and Ladders project.) So there’s no time to waste. Here are my lame pitches for the next “great” board-game movie.

THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS GAMES… “May the hippos never be hungry…for you!”

In a grim, post-apocalyptic North America, 24 attractive teens are chosen to compete in the Hungry Hungry Hippos Games. The nationally televised event (which airs after “The Real Housewives of District 1″) pits the youngsters against each other — and four extremely hungry hippos — in a fight to the death. In the end, only one will survive (unless that rule needs to be changed to accommodate the plot). Torn between love and an unwillingness to move her facial muscles, Cactus Evergreen (Elle Fanning) is forced to rely on her hippo-wrangling experience and marble-playing skills to survive. Will Cactus lose her marbles or end up hippo food? Co-starring Angus T. Jones as Cactus’s love interest/rival.

OPERATION: THE ORGAN COLLECTOR… “No one’s bread basket is safe!”

A serial killer (Steve Buscemi) with a thing for human organs is terrorizing Chicago. Nicknamed the Vivisectionist, the psycho removes the organs of his unwilling “patients” with a pair of oversized tweezers, first taking the Adam’s Apple of a high-powered attorney and then the broken heart of a prostitute. Detective Jack Gomez (Bruce Willis) is hot on the Vivisectionist’s trail when he discovers the harvested stomach of a singer — filled with butterflies! Gomez has a theory: the Vivisectionist is collecting the organs from the popular board game Operation! Things get personal when Gomez’s daughter (Selena Gomez), an aspiring stand-up comedian, goes missing. The Vivisectionist needs only one more organ to complete his ghoulish collection: A funny bone!

CRANIUM: BRAIN FARTS… “A brain is a terrible thing…to waste!”

A struggling actor (Jason Segel), an eccentric sculptor (Paul Rudd), a cocky beatboxer (Jack Black) and an idiot savant (Zach Galifianakis) try to save their favorite coffee shop/car wash from foreclosure by competing in a no-holds-barred Cranium tournament. Dubbed the Brain Farts, the four misfits must push their unique talents to the limit, but can they do it without killing each other? It won’t be easy. The reigning Cranium champs, the Brainiacs, are also the bullies who tormented the Brain Farts in grade school and, in an ironic twist, also the bankers foreclosing on their favorite coffee shop/car wash!

TROUBLE: POP GOES THE WORLD… “You want trouble? You got it!”

Earthquakes! Tsunamis! Gyllenhaal! When the Earth starts a-quaking, the world’s leaders come a-calling for disgraced geophysicist Rick Mancuso (Jake Gyllenhaal) — the planet’s only hope. A man harboring a dark secret, Mancuso has just 24 hours to discover what’s causing the Earth’s core to keep “popping.” If he doesn’t, the planet will be knocked off its axis — and that won’t be good. As Mancuso’s quest takes him across the globe, he must come to grips with his troubled past and the young daughter (Miranda Cosgrove) he left behind. Featuring the song “Pop Goes My Heart” by Taylor Swift.

MONOPOLY: OCCUPY THE WORLD… “Pass Go, collect the world!”

The Top 1% has just become the Top 0.00000000001%. With the world on the brink of financial collapse and the gap between rich and poor wider than ever, the Top 1% makes a desperate bid to secure its vast fortunes. Somehow (radiation?) combining the DNA and bank accounts of Warren Buffett, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, they create the Ultimate Fat Cat (played by John Goodman in a career-defining role). But the UFC’s power grows exponentially and quickly controls all the Earth’s resources, governments, corporations and four railways. The 99.9%’s only hope is a former hotel owner from Baltic Avenue (Chris Evans) whose only possessions are a vintage roadster and his lucky thimble. Co-starring Ian McKellan as The Banker.

Sure Friday the 13th is unlucky — and it’s really unlucky if you happen to be a camper — but what did Friday the 13th have to do with the Jason Voorhees slasher series? It wasn’t played up much, but the date was significant because Jason was born on Friday the 13th (June 13, 1946, to be exact). Unfortunately, little Jason died — for the first time — and the date became even unluckier as his mom returned to Crystal Lake on his birthday for a little revenge. And that’s the beginning and end of the significance of the date in the series. But who really cares what Friday the 13th has to do with the franchise? What we want is bloodshed and the occasional nude boob.

Come with me now on a journey through the life and times of everyone’s favorite hockey-mask-wearing killer…

Friday the 13th (1980)
	Notable for featuring 21-year-old Kevin Bacon. The Six Degrees actor was separated from his vocal cords when — no, not Jason — Mrs. Voorhees drove an arrow through his neck. Mrs. V, of course, was seeking revenge for the drowning of her son. The movie cost $700,000 to make and earned $40 million. So, yeah, there were gonna be sequels.

Friday the 13th II (1981)
	So, yeah, they made a sequel. Mommy Voorhees is dead and it turns out Jason didn’t drown in that lake after all. (So why was Mrs. Voorhees on a killing spree again?) We’re introduced to the adult Jason, who wears a pillow case over his head. The movie features the first — but certainly not the last — time somebody impersonates Jason’s mom to escape death.

Friday the 13th III (1982)
	This movie is significant for two reasons. 1) It was in 3-D (oh my god, duck, that yo-yo’s gonna poke my eye out!). 2) Jason finds his trademark hockey mask. At the time it was the highest grossing sequel in history at $37 millon. So, obviously, the filmmakers would want to end the series. Let’s see how that turns out…

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
	Final chapter, huh? Not letting death stop him, Jason rises from the dead, returns to Crystal Lake, and encounters a nemesis so deadly, so ingenious his name can only be…Corey Feldman. Feldman, who played Tommy, outwits the killer by shaving his head and pretending to be Jason Junior. Then the 12-year-old hacks him to death. No wonder Corey went into rehab.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
	Corey Feldman reprised his role from the previous movie, but because he was busy filming “The Goonies,” he was limited to a cameo. Tommy is now in a halfway house where a psycho killer is on the loose. After a few teases that it’s Jason returned from the gave, it’s revealed that the killer is actually a guy named Roy who dressed up like Jason. Major waste of time!

Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives (1986)
	Tommy sticks around for a third movie (now played by Thom Mathews). Tommy is still plagued by Jason. So, even though the killer is dead, he decides to dig him up and destroy the body. A bolt of lightning revives Jason — and here we go again. Tommy ends the nightmare by chaining Jason to the bottom of Crystal Lake. Body count: 18

Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood (1988)
	This was to be the movie that pit Jason against Freddy. But when Paramount and New Line couldn’t work out the deal, Jason went up against Tina Shepard, a telekinetic teen. It would take Jason 15 years to meet Freddy. This movie marks Kane Hodder’s first appearance as Jason. Body count: 16.

Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
	It took him 43 years, but Jason finally took a vacation from Crystal Lake. And like the Muppets before him he took Manhattan. Unlike the Muppets, he killed everyone in sight. Jason is resurrected, boards a boat heading for the Big Apple, kills everyone onboard, then pursues the survivors into the sewers. He’s undone when the sewers are washed out with nuclear waste.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
	Jason’s next trip is to hell. Well, not really. But it is the final Friday, right? Wrong. Turns out Jason can be destroyed only by another Voorhees. Luckily, there’s one left, after Jessica Kimble discovers her mother was Jason’s unknown sister. In the end Freddy Krueger’s hand reaches up and pulls Jason into hell. It’ll be 10 more years before the real showdown.

Jason X (2002)
	Now things get really stupid! This was the longest time between “Friday the 13th” movies. A whole nine years without Jason in theaters and this is what they came up with — Jason in Space! In the year 2455 Jason is revived from cryonic suspension and he yet again kills a bunch of young, sexy dopes. Body count: 28

Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)
	Finally! After years in development hell, Freddy Krueger got to battle Jason. But Freddy’s stuck in real hell. He conjures up Jason and tricks him into killing the kids on Elm Street, so they’ll remember Freddy. When Freddy returns to Elm Street he tries to stop Jason and a battle to end all battles ensues. Dracula and the Frankenstein monster roll over in their graves.

Friday the 13th (2009)

Time for a reboot! After 11 movies, the franchise got restarted in 2009. The big problem with that? The flick didn’t add much to the franchise — except CGI effects, sexier stars, horror porn and Michael Bay as producer. Yeah, we’ve all seen that before. Critics hated it and the box office was ho-hum, but we probably haven’t seen the last of Jason. A sequel is in the works — in 3-D. Now that’s original!

I saw “The Hunger Games” Monday night, which is unusual for two reasons: 1) I rarely go to the movies and 2) I never go to the movies on weeknights. Obviously, this was a special occasion. Unfortunately, “The Hunger Games” was not a special movie. Far from it, actually. I found it to be a bloodless “Battle Royale” and a somber “Running Man.” Too bad, because I liked the book. I wasn’t blown away by it. (I’m not a 12-year-old who’s never read a dystopian novel before.) Still, I thought it was a very good SF action tale.

What didn’t work for me in the movie was the plodding melodrama and the attempt at foisting a social consciousness onto a popcorn flick. “The Hunger Games” isn’t “1984″ or “The Road.” It’s a silly, water-downed YA adventure whose main conceit is kids hunting kids in the woods. The movie takes great pains to convey a sense of importance with its allusions to current social and political turmoil. But even there it fails. It really has nothing to say about the ills of our world, not with any substance. It’s neither dark nor fun. Come on, a reality show that pits teens in a battle to the death is absurd. (At least for the time being.) The movies that already trod this ground, “Battle Royale” and “The Running Man,” were in on the joke — they were satires. Skewering reality TV, competition, bloodlust, our desire for spectacle. And they had fun doing it. “The Hunger Games” movie takes itself too seriously. The book is no laugh riot either, but with its bleak atmosphere, moody soundtrack and brooding performances, the movie sends the melodrama over the top.

On a final note, it seemed the producers were so desperately trying to convince us the movie was IMPORTANT they forgot the main theme: Hunger. Whereas the book is filled with food, thoughts of food or the lack of food, the movie forgets its own title. The movie just left me hungry to see “Battle Royale” and “The Running Man” again.

I am convinced there is a conspiracy involving the “Paranormal Activity” hype.

I heard all the raves and the hyperbolic statements, like ” ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the most terrifying movie you’ll ever see,” or some crazy thing along those lines. So Saturday I went to see the movie, which was reportedly made for $15,000. And what I saw did scare the hell out of me…because I realized that all the hype was complete bullshit — and if it was authentic, then the world is full of idiots who have no idea what a good movie is.

“Paranormal Activity” was the most boring, un-terrifying movie I ever sat through. The rest of the audience obviously felt the same, as halfway through, people began blatantly talking on cellphones or to each other, and no one cared — not even me, and I hate when people do that in a theater. It took thirty mind-numbing minutes or so for the first scary moment to occur: a bedroom door creeks. That’s followed by such terrifying moments as a loud bang, footsteps, an even louder bang. During one of the movie’s supposed “big moments,” the audience actually burst into laughter. After the movie, we all filed out of the theater feeling ripped off, with a number of people saying out loud what a horrible, worthless movie we had just sat through. If “Paranormal Activity” scared you at all, it is probably because you have never seen another horror movie in your life. Or you think ladybugs are scary.

“Paranormal Activity” is as exciting as watching people sleep. Why is that? Because most of the movie takes place as the terrorized couple — Katie and Micah — sleeps.

This movie, which felt like a cheap online student film, has been getting such insane Internet buzz that it came out of nowhere and landed at No. 1 at the box office over the past weekend. Really? Really? Come on, really? I have to applaud DreamWorks for mounting what must be one of the greatest marketing schemes in history — and obviously paying off plenty of reviewers and 12-year-olds to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook.

Don’t believe the hype: “Paranormal Activity” is a snooze fest. The Internet has lied to us again. (Save your money and instead rent “Drag Me to Hell.”)

Another perfect, and useless, Top 10 list…

2. Two-Face

1. The Joker

Honorable Mentions: Salvatore “Sal” Maroni, The Scarecrow, Chin Han

(Refute that list! And I haven’t even seen the movie.)