Movies
Monday, October 26th, 2009
I am convinced there is a conspiracy involving the “Paranormal Activity” hype.
I heard all the raves and the hyperbolic statements, like ” ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the most terrifying movie you’ll ever see,” or some crazy thing along those lines. So Saturday I went to see the movie, which was reportedly made for $15,000. And what I saw did scare the hell out of me…because I realized that all the hype was complete bullshit — and if it was authentic, then the world is full of idiots who have no idea what a good movie is.
“Paranormal Activity” was the most boring, un-terrifying movie I ever sat through. The rest of the audience obviously felt the same, as halfway through, people began blatantly talking on cellphones or to each other, and no one cared — not even me, and I hate when people do that in a theater. It took thirty mind-numbing minutes or so for the first scary moment to occur: a bedroom door creeks. That’s followed by such terrifying moments as a loud bang, footsteps, an even louder bang. During one of the movie’s supposed “big moments,” the audience actually burst into laughter. After the movie, we all filed out of the theater feeling ripped off, with a number of people saying out loud what a horrible, worthless movie we had just sat through. If “Paranormal Activity” scared you at all, it is probably because you have never seen another horror movie in your life. Or you think ladybugs are scary.
“Paranormal Activity” is as exciting as watching people sleep. Why is that? Because most of the movie takes place as the terrorized couple — Katie and Micah — sleeps.
This movie, which felt like a cheap online student film, has been getting such insane Internet buzz that it came out of nowhere and landed at No. 1 at the box office over the past weekend. Really? Really? Come on, really? I have to applaud DreamWorks for mounting what must be one of the greatest marketing schemes in history — and obviously paying off plenty of reviewers and 12-year-olds to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook.
Don’t believe the hype: “Paranormal Activity” is a snooze fest. The Internet has lied to us again. (Save your money and instead rent “Drag Me to Hell.”)
Posted in Movies, Rants, Reviews | 9 Comments »
Monday, July 28th, 2008
Another perfect, and useless, Top 10 list…
2. Two-Face
1. The Joker
Honorable Mentions: Salvatore “Sal” Maroni, The Scarecrow, Chin Han
(Refute that list! And I haven’t even seen the movie.)
Posted in Movies | No Comments »
Sunday, August 12th, 2007
Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker have returned to the top of the box office. “Rush Hour 3″ earned $50.2 million in its opening weekend, topping last weekend’s No. 1 movie, “The Bourne Ultimatum.” The Matt Damon spy thriller dropped to second with $33.7 million, taking its 10-day total to $132 million.
The weekend’s other Top 5 debut, “Stardust,” took in $9 million. The fantasy flick, starring Claire Danes, Robert De Niro, and Michelle Pfeiffer, was fourth. It’s based on the book by Neil Gaiman.
| Rank |
Title |
Gross |
Last Week |
| 1 |
Rush Hour 3 |
$50,237,000 |
- |
| 2 |
The Bourne Ultimatum |
$33,672,000 |
1 |
| 3 |
The Simpsons Movie |
$11,125,000 |
2 |
| 4 |
Stardust |
$9,011,000 |
- |
| 5 |
Underdog |
$6,456,000 |
3 |
| 6 |
Hairspray |
$6,367,000 |
6 |
| 7 |
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry |
$5,950,000 |
4 |
| 8 |
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix |
$5,385,000 |
5 |
| 9 |
No Reservations |
$3,925,000 |
7 |
| 10 |
Daddy Day Camp |
$3,550,000 |
- |
Posted in Movies, News | 3 Comments »
Sunday, August 5th, 2007
Matt Damon’s “The Bourne Ultimatum” knocked “The Simpsons Movie” out of first place at the weekend box office.
The third Jason Bourne action movie earned $70.2 million between Friday and Sunday.
“Underdog” opened in third with $12 million.
| Rank |
Title |
Gross |
Last Week |
| 1 |
The Bourne Ultimatum |
$70,181,000 |
- |
| 2 |
The Simpsons Movie |
$25,600,000 |
1 |
| 3 |
Underdog |
$12,009,000 |
- |
| 4 |
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry |
$10,528,000 |
2 |
| 5 |
Hairspray |
$9,325,000 |
4 |
| 6 |
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix |
$9,285,000 |
3 |
| 7 |
No Reservations |
$6,570,000 |
5 |
| 8 |
Transformers |
$5,950,000 |
6 |
| 9 |
Hot Rod |
$5,015,000 |
- |
| 10 |
Bratz |
$4,310,000 |
- |
Posted in Movies, News | 2 Comments »
Sunday, July 29th, 2007
D’oh, “The Simpsons Movie” did better than expected. The animated movie, which cost $75 million to make, earned $71.9 million between Friday and Sunday to open in first place.
The Catherine Zeta-Jones - Aaron Eckhart romantic comedy “No Reservations” opened in fifth place with $11.8 million.
And the bad news keeps piling up for Lindsay Lohan. Her latest movie, the thriller “I Know Who Killed Me,” bombed at the box office, landing in 10th place with only $3.4 million.
| Rank |
Title |
Gross |
Last Week |
| 1 |
The Simpsons Movie |
$71,850,000 |
- |
| 2 |
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry |
$19,063,000 |
1 |
| 3 |
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix |
$17,065,000 |
2 |
| 4 |
Hairspray |
$15,550,000 |
3 |
| 5 |
No Reservations |
$11,755,000 |
- |
| 6 |
Transformers |
$11,524,000 |
4 |
| 7 |
Ratatouille |
$7,234,000 |
5 |
| 8 |
Live Free or Die Hard |
$5,350,000 |
6 |
| 9 |
I Know Who Killed Me |
$3,400,000 |
- |
| 10 |
Who’s Your Caddy |
$2,900,000 |
- |
Posted in Movies, News | 3 Comments »
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
I first met John Harlacher 11 years ago in a Brooklyn College news writing class after I interviewed him for a writing assignment. He told me about blowing up a school building and his plans to take over the world. At the time I didn’t really believe his story. Then I got to know him, and wondered why he hadn’t blown up the entire city yet. Harlacher, 30, is now breaking laws as a filmmaker. He recently wrote and directed his first movie, “Urchin,” a bizarre and thought-provoking fantasy about a homeless kid from the underground world of Scum-City. With little money and few resources he was able to put together a stylish, professional movie and, of course, break some laws in the process. Harlacher filmed many of the movie’s scenes on the streets of New York and in the subway without permits, dodging and outwitting the authorities at every turn. Check out “Urchin” (urchinthemovie.com), which is now available on DVD. But before you do, read the interview below.
Tell me about Urchin.
When I came up with “Urchin,” I wanted to make a movie that had the feel and tone of a fantasy film, but no supernatural elements. It’s the story of a nine-year-old boy who lives in a place deep under NYC called Scum-City. The Old Man who rules that place convinces everyone that he’s from a paradise in the hollow earth called Agharta. The story follows the Kid’s journey from believing in this tale to finding some reality for himself. Essentially I took the hero’s journey that “Star Wars” and “Harry Potter” are based on and inverted it. So instead of the hero learning to trust the wise teacher and merge with the universe, he learns to stop being a sap and think for himself.
Are you calling Harry Potter a sap?
I’m not afraid of his wand, if that’s what you mean. I’d pit my kid against him, Michael Vick style, anytime. “Urchin” takes place in a wrinkled version of reality. Harry Potter takes place in a full-blown alternate universe. If magic and Quidditch exist, Harry Potter makes sense, and I enjoy the story. In reality, a kid who literally believes in channeling powers outside himself and that some wise person will teach him about life will be ripped of by various people. He will wind up going to the Landmark Forum and smiling all the time to conceal his confusion.
What was the inspiration for “Urchin”?
My mom was clinically insane, and when I was ten and my brother was younger, we fled New York. She took us out of school and we ran around the country living out of our car. The Nazis were after us, she explained, and all the food was contaminated, and we could only eat very few things. So I would steal food from stores to feed my little brother and myself. “Urchin” was an emotional expression of that time’s desperation and hunger and strange myths presented as real, filtered through the realities of our tiny budget. I made a list of the things we had or could get, and commanded my subconscious to make use of them, and wrote the script in three weeks. That’s basically what we wound up with.
(more…)
Posted in Interviews, Movies | 20 Comments »
Sunday, July 22nd, 2007
The Adam Sandler comedy “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” narrowly beat out “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” to top the weekend box office.
“I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” also starring Kevin James and Jessica Biel, earned $34.8 million between Friday and Sunday.
The weekend’s other new release, “Hairspray,” opened in third with $27.8 million.
The fifth Harry Potter movie dropped from first to second with $32.2 million on the same weekend that the seventh, and final, book in the series hit stores. The “Order of the Phoenix” has banked $207.5 million in 12 days.
“Transformers” landed in fourth with $20.5 million, raising its total to $262.9 million.
| Rank |
Title |
Gross |
Last Week |
| 1 |
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry |
$34,775,000 |
- |
| 2 |
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix |
$32,185,000 |
1 |
| 3 |
Hairspray |
$27,800,000 |
- |
| 4 |
Transformers |
$20,506,000 |
2 |
| 5 |
Ratatouille |
$11,000,000 |
3 |
| 6 |
Live Free or Die Hard |
$7,300,000 |
4 |
| 7 |
License to Wed |
$3,760,000 |
5 |
| 8 |
1408 |
$2,600,000 |
6 |
| 9 |
Evan Almighty |
$2,455,000 |
7 |
| 10 |
Knocked Up |
$2,318,000 |
8 |
Posted in Movies, News | 2 Comments »
Friday, July 20th, 2007
ZODIAC
Release Date: July 24
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo, Chloe Sevigny
Director: David Fincher
Length: 158 minutes
I the late ’60s a serial killer dubbed the Zodiac terrorized Northern California. Much like the Son of Sam a decade later, he sent taunting letters and cryptic messages to the press. He was never caught. The films stars Jake Gyllenhaal as Robert Graysmith, who was a cartoonist for the San Francisco Chronicle at the time and who later wrote the true-crime book “Zodiac,” which is the basis for the movie.
“Zodiac” is highlighted by fine performances, especially from Robert Downey Jr. as Paul Avery, the alcoholic reporter for the Chronicle. But the movie suffers from a lack of focus. For about the first two hours, the film follows the investigation of the Zodiac murders. The purported lead character, Graysmith, merely “looms” around the action and has nothing of significance to do. The killings stop and the investigation goes nowhere. Enter Graysmith and the second part of this unintentional double feature. Graysmith, obsessed with the case, begins his own investigation, which leads him to write his true crime book. I found myself uninterested after the first investigation and couldn’t wait for the second one to end.
DVD NEWS
Cujo is back! The “Cujo: 25th Anniversary Edition” DVD, available September 25, is packed with new bonus features including a three-part making-of featurette, interviews with cast and crew, and audio commentary from director
Lewis Teague. The set also features all-new O-card collectible packaging. The 1982 movie, based on the
Stephen King book, stars
Dee Wallace,
Danny Pintauro, and one scary St. Bernard. Available in wide screen.
ALREADY AVAILABLE…
URCHIN From first-time director John Harlacher, “Urchin” is an urban fantasy that follows the quest of a homeless boy from the underground world of Scum City. | $17.99
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (Season 2) This six-disc set collects all the second season episodes of the Linda Hamilton - Ron Perlman fantasy series. | $32.99
THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 More gratuitous violence from those cannibal mutants in the desert. | $18.99
GUNSMOKE (Season 1) The classic and long-running TV Western “Gunsmoke” hits DVD in this six-disc, 39-episode set from Paramount Home Video. | $26.99
Posted in DVDs, Movies, Reviews | 1 Comment »
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
If “The Simpsons” have taught us anything it’s that two-dimensional characters are funnier than three-dimensional ones. There are as many great Simpsons quotes as there are Republicans in hell, which is another way to say “a lot.” For 18 years the residents of Springfield have been piling up the wittiest quotes ever uttered on TV. So, before the animated series hits the silver screen next week, here are the best quotes in Simpsons television history, in no particular order…
- Homer: D’oh.
- Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
- Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
- Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
- Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
- Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…
- Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
- Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
- Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
- Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
- Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
- Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
- Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
- Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
- Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. (more…)
Posted in Humor, Movies, Television | 511 Comments »
Wednesday, July 18th, 2007
Frank Welker didn’t get the opportunity to reprise his role as the voice of Megatron in the “Transformers” movie, but he landed a gig with another animated-series-turned-summer-blockbuster. Welker provides the voice of Santa’s Little Helper in “The Simpsons Movie,” which opens July 27.
Posted in Movies, News, Television | 1 Comment »
Sunday, July 15th, 2007
“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” the fifth movie in the fantasy series, topped the weekend box office with $77.4 million, knocking “Transformers” to second place.
“Harry Potter” has earned $140 million since opening on Wednesday.
“Order of the Phoenix” had the lowest opening weekend gross of any Harry Potter film. However, it is the first of the series to open on a Wednesday. The last movie, 2004’s “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban,” earned $93.7 in its opening weekend, and “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” had the best opening weekend in the series with $102.7 million.
The weekend’s only other new release, the horror film “Captivity,” landed in 12th place with $1.6 million. The movie, starring Elisha Cuthbert, played in 1,050 theaters.
“Transformers” earned another $36.7 million, raising its total to $223 million.
| Rank |
Title |
Gross |
Last Week |
| 1 |
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix |
$77,410,000 |
- |
| 2 |
Transformers |
$36,600,000 |
1 |
| 3 |
Ratatouille |
$18,019,000 |
2 |
| 4 |
Live Free or Die Hard |
$10,875,000 |
3 |
| 5 |
License to Wed |
$7,440,000 |
4 |
| 6 |
1408 |
$5,010,000 |
6 |
| 7 |
Evan Almighty |
$4,972,000 |
5 |
| 8 |
Knocked Up |
$3,653,000 |
7 |
| 9 |
Sicko |
$2,650,000 |
9 |
| 10 |
Ocean’s Thirteen |
$1,910,000 |
10 |
Posted in Movies, News | 3 Comments »
Friday, July 13th, 2007
On the unluckiest day of the year, Blogzarro celebrates the killer who made us love Friday the 13th.
But what the hell did the date Friday the 13th have to do with the Jason Voorhees slasher series? It wasn’t played up much, but the date was significant because Jason was born on Friday the 13th (June 13, 1946, to be exact). Unfortunately, little Jason died — for the first time — and the date became even unluckier as his mom returned to Crystal Lake on his birthday for a little revenge. And that’s the beginning and end of the significance of the date in the series. But who really cares what Friday the 13th has to do with the franchise? Everyone just wants to see bloodshed. And Friday the 13th, it turns out, was indeed unlucky for anyone crossing Jason’s path.
Come with me now on a journey through the life and times of everyone’s favorite hockey-masked-wearing killer…
(more…)
Posted in Movies | 8 Comments »
Sunday, July 8th, 2007
“Transformers” didn’t disappoint at the box office. The action extravaganza, based on the ’80s animated series, crushed the competition by earning $67.6 million over the weekend to land at No. 1. The Michael Bay-directed movie has broken several records. It set the record for the highest gross for a non-sequel in its first seven day with $152.6 million since opening on Tuesday, surpassing 2002’s “Spider-Man.” “Transformers” also set records for best Tuesday opening with $27.5 million and best July 4th gross ever with $29.1 million.
In comparison, “Spider-Man 3″ earned $151.1 million in its first three days of release and “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” took in $114.7 million in its opening weekend.
The week’s only other new release, “License to Wed,” starring Robin Williams and Mandy Moore, landed in fourth place with $10.4 million over the weekend and $17.8 million since opening on Tuesday.
| Rank |
Title |
Gross |
Last Week |
| 1 |
Transformers |
$67,600,000 |
- |
| 2 |
Ratatouille |
$29,029,000 |
1 |
| 3 |
Live Free or Die Hard |
$17,400,000 |
2 |
| 4 |
License to Wed |
$10,400,000 |
- |
| 5 |
Evan Almighty |
$8,114,000 |
3 |
| 6 |
1408 |
$7,140,000 |
4 |
| 7 |
Knocked Up |
$5,159,000 |
6 |
| 8 |
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer |
$4,150,000 |
5 |
| 9 |
Sicko |
$3,650,000 |
9 |
| 10 |
Ocean’s Thirteen |
$3,525,000 |
7 |
Posted in Movies, News | 15 Comments »
Saturday, July 7th, 2007
How can a blog so terrible, so intrinsically bad, so offensive and puerile have a best-of? Well, it can. The other day a young man asked me, “Isn’t ‘The Best of Blogzarro’ kinda like a Great White greatest hits album?” After gut-punching the young man when he wasn’t looking and then arguing that even crap has differing levels of quality, I said, “Who the hell are you? And how did you know about the ‘Best of Blogzarro’ post before I even published it?” Nevertheless, I present the greatest and most popular posts of the first six months of Blogzarro’s existence. Perhaps you missed one or all of them. Now is the time to catch up. If you would like to learn more about the art of gut-punching or Blogzarro, head over to your local library (or just hit the links under the ‘categories’ section to your right).
1 | Lame Superhero of the Week: She-Thing
Wherein I discuss the pros and cons of a relationship with a rock creature. By the way, I’m all for it.
2 | Wonder Woman and the Phallic Menace
Wherein I infiltrate the secret world of phalluses and superheroines and prove that neither comes out the victor.
3 | The 20 Greatest Spider-Man Villains
Wherein I create a list that no one agrees on.
4 | The Bizarre, The Bad, The Bawdy Baseball Names
Wherein I get to write the words “rusty” and “kuntz” without referring to sex.
5 | The 10 Coolest ‘Fictional’ Trucks
Wherein I compile one of the stupidest lists of all time.
6 | Other Amusement Rides That Should Be Turned Into Movies
Wherein I prove that I have what it takes to pitch a blockbuster movie and bring laughter where there was only sadness.
7 | An Intro to Dubious Sexual Terminology
Wherein I use the word “Donkey Punch,” which results in thousands of hits from people searching Google for filthy sexual acts.
8 | Top 10 Rejected Transformers
Wherein I create my own robots in disguise and subsequently piss off a lot of Transformers fans.
9 | Lame Superhero of the Week: The Gay Ghost
Wherein I make many cheap gay jokes and at least one expensive one.
10 | Top 10 Ways George Lucas Hasn’t Sold-Out Star Wars
Wherein I take on the mighty George Lucas and prevail.
Posted in Comic Books, Humor, Movies, Television | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
10. TRANSEXUCRON
Transexucron transforms from a confused young boy into a beautiful woman with unnaturally large hands. Penis detaches and can be used as a laser cannon.
9. BLOCKBUSTER
Blockbuster transforms from a simple children’s TV show into an over-the-top, special-effects-laden summer movie event. Sells for around $200 million.
8. BRONCO
A 1993 white Ford Bronco that transforms into an ex-football star with a penchant for stabbing women who done him wrong. Leather gloves sold separately.
7. LEMON
In car mode, Lemon is a slow-moving, not-very-powerful Kia Rio that is in constant danger of getting into an accident while trying to merge onto the highway. Only transforms into robot mode after warming up for 20 minutes.
6. EIGHT TRACK
Leader of the obsolete disco bot team, Eight Track comes with roller skates, hot pants, and a love for Donna Summer.
5. CYBER SEX
As a member of the Decepticon Internet team, Cyber Sex is a beautiful young robot that transforms into a middle-aged pedophile. Equipped with his own MySpace page and fake profile photo of a 12-year-old.
4. CAR JACK
A crack pipe that transforms into a desperate street thug without the skills to steal a car the proper way.
3. MOTOR OLA
This Decepticon communications officer is a cell phone that transforms into the leader of the product-placement bots. Kills enemies by inducing brain tumors and talking loudly on the bus.
2. DRIVE-BY
A 2007 Hummer H2 that transforms into Suge Knight. Alibi included.
1. WIFEATRON
In girlfriend mode, Wifeatron is a pleasant, peaceful young woman. But once in wife mode, Wifeatron is ready for battle! Weapons include ball and chain, battle axe, and a perfect memory of every insult you ever uttered.
Posted in Humor, Movies, Television, Top 10 Lists | 5 Comments »
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