No idea is too lame for Hollywood. With the release of “Battleship,” board-game-”inspired” movies are poised to be the next hot thing in Tinseltown. In fact, there’s already a Candyland film in the works with Adam Sandler attached. (Apparently Eddie Murphy was too busy working on a Chutes and Ladders project.) So there’s no time to waste. Here are my lame pitches for the next “great” board-game movie.
THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS GAMES… “May the hippos never be hungry…for you!”
In a grim, post-apocalyptic North America, 24 attractive teens are chosen to compete in the Hungry Hungry Hippos Games. The nationally televised event (which airs after “The Real Housewives of District 1″) pits the youngsters against each other — and four extremely hungry hippos — in a fight to the death. In the end, only one will survive (unless that rule needs to be changed to accommodate the plot). Torn between love and an unwillingness to move her facial muscles, Cactus Evergreen (Elle Fanning) is forced to rely on her hippo-wrangling experience and marble-playing skills to survive. Will Cactus lose her marbles or end up hippo food? Co-starring Angus T. Jones as Cactus’s love interest/rival.
OPERATION: THE ORGAN COLLECTOR… “No one’s bread basket is safe!”
A serial killer (Steve Buscemi) with a thing for human organs is terrorizing Chicago. Nicknamed the Vivisectionist, the psycho removes the organs of his unwilling “patients” with a pair of oversized tweezers, first taking the Adam’s Apple of a high-powered attorney and then the broken heart of a prostitute. Detective Jack Gomez (Bruce Willis) is hot on the Vivisectionist’s trail when he discovers the harvested stomach of a singer — filled with butterflies! Gomez has a theory: the Vivisectionist is collecting the organs from the popular board game Operation! Things get personal when Gomez’s daughter (Selena Gomez), an aspiring stand-up comedian, goes missing. The Vivisectionist needs only one more organ to complete his ghoulish collection: A funny bone!
CRANIUM: BRAIN FARTS… “A brain is a terrible thing…to waste!”
A struggling actor (Jason Segel), an eccentric sculptor (Paul Rudd), a cocky beatboxer (Jack Black) and an idiot savant (Zach Galifianakis) try to save their favorite coffee shop/car wash from foreclosure by competing in a no-holds-barred Cranium tournament. Dubbed the Brain Farts, the four misfits must push their unique talents to the limit, but can they do it without killing each other? It won’t be easy. The reigning Cranium champs, the Brainiacs, are also the bullies who tormented the Brain Farts in grade school and, in an ironic twist, also the bankers foreclosing on their favorite coffee shop/car wash!
TROUBLE: POP GOES THE WORLD… “You want trouble? You got it!”
Earthquakes! Tsunamis! Gyllenhaal! When the Earth starts a-quaking, the world’s leaders come a-calling for disgraced geophysicist Rick Mancuso (Jake Gyllenhaal) — the planet’s only hope. A man harboring a dark secret, Mancuso has just 24 hours to discover what’s causing the Earth’s core to keep “popping.” If he doesn’t, the planet will be knocked off its axis — and that won’t be good. As Mancuso’s quest takes him across the globe, he must come to grips with his troubled past and the young daughter (Miranda Cosgrove) he left behind. Featuring the song “Pop Goes My Heart” by Taylor Swift.
MONOPOLY: OCCUPY THE WORLD… “Pass Go, collect the world!”
The Top 1% has just become the Top 0.00000000001%. With the world on the brink of financial collapse and the gap between rich and poor wider than ever, the Top 1% makes a desperate bid to secure its vast fortunes. Somehow (radiation?) combining the DNA and bank accounts of Warren Buffett, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, they create the Ultimate Fat Cat (played by John Goodman in a career-defining role). But the UFC’s power grows exponentially and quickly controls all the Earth’s resources, governments, corporations and four railways. The 99.9%’s only hope is a former hotel owner from Baltic Avenue (Chris Evans) whose only possessions are a vintage roadster and his lucky thimble. Co-starring Ian McKellan as The Banker.
Sure Friday the 13th is unlucky — and it’s really unlucky if you happen to be a camper — but what did Friday the 13th have to do with the Jason Voorhees slasher series? It wasn’t played up much, but the date was significant because Jason was born on Friday the 13th (June 13, 1946, to be exact). Unfortunately, little Jason died — for the first time — and the date became even unluckier as his mom returned to Crystal Lake on his birthday for a little revenge. And that’s the beginning and end of the significance of the date in the series. But who really cares what Friday the 13th has to do with the franchise? What we want is bloodshed and the occasional nude boob.
Come with me now on a journey through the life and times of everyone’s favorite hockey-mask-wearing killer…
I saw “The Hunger Games” Monday night, which is unusual for two reasons: 1) I rarely go to the movies and 2) I never go to the movies on weeknights. Obviously, this was a special occasion. Unfortunately, “The Hunger Games” was not a special movie. Far from it, actually. I found it to be a bloodless “Battle Royale” and a somber “Running Man.” Too bad, because I liked the book. I wasn’t blown away by it. (I’m not a 12-year-old who’s never read a dystopian novel before.) Still, I thought it was a very good SF action tale.
What didn’t work for me in the movie was the plodding melodrama and the attempt at foisting a social consciousness onto a popcorn flick. “The Hunger Games” isn’t “1984″ or “The Road.” It’s a silly, water-downed YA adventure whose main conceit is kids hunting kids in the woods. The movie takes great pains to convey a sense of importance with its allusions to current social and political turmoil. But even there it fails. It really has nothing to say about the ills of our world, not with any substance. It’s neither dark nor fun. Come on, a reality show that pits teens in a battle to the death is absurd. (At least for the time being.) The movies that already trod this ground, “Battle Royale” and “The Running Man,” were in on the joke — they were satires. Skewering reality TV, competition, bloodlust, our desire for spectacle. And they had fun doing it. “The Hunger Games” movie takes itself too seriously. The book is no laugh riot either, but with its bleak atmosphere, moody soundtrack and brooding performances, the movie sends the melodrama over the top.
On a final note, it seemed the producers were so desperately trying to convince us the movie was IMPORTANT they forgot the main theme: Hunger. Whereas the book is filled with food, thoughts of food or the lack of food, the movie forgets its own title. The movie just left me hungry to see “Battle Royale” and “The Running Man” again.
I am convinced there is a conspiracy involving the “Paranormal Activity” hype.
I heard all the raves and the hyperbolic statements, like ” ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the most terrifying movie you’ll ever see,” or some crazy thing along those lines. So Saturday I went to see the movie, which was reportedly made for $15,000. And what I saw did scare the hell out of me…because I realized that all the hype was complete bullshit — and if it was authentic, then the world is full of idiots who have no idea what a good movie is.
“Paranormal Activity” was the most boring, un-terrifying movie I ever sat through. The rest of the audience obviously felt the same, as halfway through, people began blatantly talking on cellphones or to each other, and no one cared — not even me, and I hate when people do that in a theater. It took thirty mind-numbing minutes or so for the first scary moment to occur: a bedroom door creeks. That’s followed by such terrifying moments as a loud bang, footsteps, an even louder bang. During one of the movie’s supposed “big moments,” the audience actually burst into laughter. After the movie, we all filed out of the theater feeling ripped off, with a number of people saying out loud what a horrible, worthless movie we had just sat through. If “Paranormal Activity” scared you at all, it is probably because you have never seen another horror movie in your life. Or you think ladybugs are scary.
“Paranormal Activity” is as exciting as watching people sleep. Why is that? Because most of the movie takes place as the terrorized couple — Katie and Micah — sleeps.
This movie, which felt like a cheap online student film, has been getting such insane Internet buzz that it came out of nowhere and landed at No. 1 at the box office over the past weekend. Really? Really? Come on, really? I have to applaud DreamWorks for mounting what must be one of the greatest marketing schemes in history — and obviously paying off plenty of reviewers and 12-year-olds to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook.
Don’t believe the hype: “Paranormal Activity” is a snooze fest. The Internet has lied to us again. (Save your money and instead rent “Drag Me to Hell.”)
Another perfect, and useless, Top 10 list…
2. Two-Face
1. The Joker
Honorable Mentions: Salvatore “Sal” Maroni, The Scarecrow, Chin Han
(Refute that list! And I haven’t even seen the movie.)
