Lame Superhero of the Week: Aqualad

Real Name: Garth. Just Garth.
Aliases: Aquaboy, Gill-Head
First Appearance: Adventure Comics #269 (1960)
Associates: Aquaman, Aquagirl, manatees, dolphins
Lame Abilities: Communicates with underwater creatures, real good swimmer, fabulous legs, walrus straddling
Creators: Robert Bernstein, Ramona Fradon

Any time your name ends in the word “lad,” you just bought yourself a first-class ticket to lamesville. But if that wasn’t bad enough, Aqualad has the double bad luck of being the young (and strictly platonic) companion of Aquaman, one of the least respected and least masculine superheroes in the history of comics. Aqualad rides dolphins, gets into questionable positions with walruses (for evidence, check the photo to the left), and has smoother legs than Robin. To further his lameness, Aqualad was voiced by Wil Wheaton on the “Teen Titans” animated series. Not that Wil is really lame, but he’s not the most macho guy in the galaxy.

Aqualad, who’s real name is Garth, is an amphibious humanoid who was once a prince of Atlantis. He was left to die because of some Atlantean superstition about babies with purple eyes. As a little boy, he was terrified of fish. But after Aquaman found him, he cured Aqualad. The two had many underwater adventures together and the rest is lame history.

In the ’90s, Aqualad got a makeover. Ol’ Gill-Head reappeared as Tempest, a tough guy with mystical abilities who shoots purple energy blasts from his eyes. To increase his machismo, he even stole Aquaman’s lover, Dolphin, and married her. Take that, Aquaman!

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Lame Superhero of the Week: Super Trucker U.S.

Real Name: Ulysses Solomon (U.S.) Archer
First Appearance: US 1 #1 (1983)
Associates: Poppa Wheelie, Wide Load Annie, Mary McGrill, Retread
Enemies: The Highwayman, Midnight, Baron van Blimp
Lame Abilities: Excellent athlete, tech expert, metal alloy skull that picks up CB transmissions and allows U.S. to head-butt like a bastard
Creators: Al Milgrom, Jim Shooter

The best lame comics have lame origin stories. “US 1″ came into exist not through the inspiration of a writer or artist; it was born in a marketing office. In the early 1980s Tyco created a line of electric trucking toys. A few years later they approached Marvel about doing a comic based on the toys. And Marvel bit.

Then, in 1983, in a lame reverse merchandising move, the “US 1″ comic hit the stands. And I bit. I was nine years old and excited to own a first issue of a series. This was an investment, I thought, that would pay off when I was in my early 30s, leading to an early retirement. Twenty-four years later “US 1″ comics are worth about six cents a copy and I am about 45 years away from retirement.

The hero of “US 1,” Ulysses Solomon Archer (U.S.A, get it?), graduated from college magna cum laude with a degree in computer program design and electronics engineering, among other things. He was quarterback of his football team. So, what does this athletic genius want to do with his life? Get hemorrhoids and drive a truck. Sounds like this guy shoots real low when it comes to career goals. (more…)

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Lame Superhero of the Week: Mr. Terrific

Real Name: Terry Sloane
First Appearance: Sensation Comics # 1 (1942)
Affiliations: Justice Society of America, All-Star Squadron
Lame Abilities: Genius-level intellect, Olympic-level athletic abilities, photographic memory, superior math skills, easily led to suicidal thoughts
Creators: Charles Resizenstein, Hal Sharpe

There are so many reasons why Mr. Terrific has the honor of kicking off Blogzarro’s Lame Superhero of the Week series. But this is the clincher: Mr. T. defeats his first nemesis, a gangster named Big Shot, by doing math. That’s right, he challenges Big Shot to a math-off, and when the dunce fails to add up the numbers, Mr. Terrific swoops in, adds like a mothertrucker, and saves the day. Thus is born Mr. Terrific, the human dynamo who is stumped by nothing! It’s one of the lamest origin stories in comicdom. But let’s back up and find out how it all really began.

Terry Sloane began life as a child prodigy who excels at everything, academics, sports, social situations. But all the success is a bit too much for him (obviously, he doesn’t excel at being well-adjusted), which leads Terry to contemplate suicide. “I’ve done everything I’ve wanted to do,” he thinks, as he races along in his convertible. “The bridge — ah, there’s an idea. Death — that’s the only thing I haven’t experienced yet.” And this guy’s a genius! (more…)

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