Real Name: Congo Bill
First Appearance: Action Comics #228 (1957)
Alias: Congorilla, The Golden Gorilla, The Amazing Man-Ape, Jamie Lee Curtis
Creators: Robert Bernstein, Whitney Ellsworth, George Papp
Lame Abilities: mind transfer, super strength and agility
Congorilla has a strange and convoluted history. First there was Congo Bill, a jungle adventurer and naturalist who wouldn’t kill any animal unless he had to. Congo Bill made his debut way back in “More Fun Comics” in 1940. He soon ended up in the back pages of “Action Comics,” home of Superman. Then in 1959, ol’ Bill had a transformation. The powers-that-be wanted the character to be more like a superhero, so they did the next best thing — they turned him into a gorilla.
A dying witch doctor, Chief Kawolo, gives Bill a magic ring. When Congo Bill rubs the ring, his mind is transferred into the body of a legendary golden gorilla for one hour. And where does the gorilla’s mind go? Into Congo Bill’s body, of course. It’s like “Freaky Friday,” except Lindsay Lohan is Congo Bill and Jamie Lee Curtis is the gorilla, or maybe it’s the other way around (or for the older crowd — It’s like “Freaky Friday,” except Jodie Foster is Congo Bill and Barbara Harris is the Gorilla, or maybe it’s the other way around).
So, whenever plain ol’ Congo Bill gets into trouble with evil Foreign Legion mutineers or the like, he rubs his magic ring, jumps into the body of the golden gorilla, and becomes Congorilla. With his enhanced strength and agility, he makes monkeys out of his enemies and protects the innocent. Of course, during the swap, Congo Bill has to be conveniently locked away or sedated, because, after all, he has the mind of a gorilla and he usually goes ape-shit.
The comic was quickly renamed “Congorilla,” and it ran in a variety of Superman titles on a regular basis up until 1961. Congorilla has turned up a few more times over the years and in the ’90s he had his own mini-series. So there’s hope for more gorilla / human swapping in our future.
Real Name: Cosmo
First Appearance: Detective Comics #1 (1937)
Alias: Phantom of Disguise
Creator: Sven Elven
Lame Abilities: A gentleman adventurer, crime-fighter, master of disguise, and excellent piano player
Cosmo. Not a name that strikes fear into the hearts of evildoers. He’s British, too. Further making it difficult to strike fear into the hearts of evildoers. What Cosmo does do well is disguise himself and solve mysteries. As a master thespian and mimic, Cosmo can make you think he’s your own mother.
In “Detective Comics” #27 (1939), also notable for Batman’s debut, the Anglo-Saxon detective and aristocrat not only disguises himself as a Chinese man, but he does a great impersonation of a devout racist. Cosmo is asked to help the Immigration Department stop the “smuggling of Chinese to our shores.” He takes the assignment, saying, “Those Chinese are pretty slick customers.” But it seems the Phantom of Disguise is really the slick one. Cosmo enrolls at the Frisco School of Languages, where he masters Chinese in 30 days! He then disguises himself as a “Chinese” and soon infiltrates the Asian community, where he uses his newfound skills at the Chinese language. In his first attempt at befriending one of the foreigners, Cosmo approaches a “young Chinese” and says, “Velly nice day, fliend.” The young man answers the Phantom of Disguise, saying, in Chinese, of course: “Yes, velly nice.” Take that Berlitz! The young man is fooled by Cosmo’s mastery over the Chinese language!
It doesn’t take Cosmo long to weasel his way into the Chinese smuggling ring, and after he pledges his loyalty by saying, “Me no talkee, Kwan Joy Lo. You take me to good job, eh?” he is one step away from cracking the case.
Cosmo was created by writer-artist Sven Elven and debuted in “Detective Comics” #1 in 1937, a decade when, apparently, it was okay to be racist. It was also about two years before Batman’s debut and a year before Superman’s. So, technically, Cosmo isn’t a superhero. Though, technically, he isn’t a detective, either. Or even a hero. He was a snob and a racist, but one hell of a piano player. He was described as a gentleman detective, which meant he was British, educated, and pompous. He didn’t last long. His final appearance came in “Detective Comics #37,” only 10 issues after Batman’s first appearance. Think of Cosmo as Batman without the costume or the tolerance for foreigners.
Real Name: Keith Everet
First Appearance: Sensation Comics #1 (1942)
Aliases: The Ghost Who Walks, Earl of Strethmere, Charles Collins, The Ghost-Man
Creators: Gardner Fox, Howard Purcell
Lame Abilities: Can enter men’s body…without the use of lubrication, skilled with a sword, is light on his feet
Now for some cheap gay jokes… Perhaps when the word “gay” comes up you automatically start seeing innuendoes everywhere. But just a few panels into the Gay Ghost’s first appearance (in the very masculine “Sensation Comics,” home of Wonder Woman and Mr. Terrific) and you get a sense that maybe the name isn’t just a coincidence. Right off the bat, we’re told that the Gay Ghost’s adventures are “the queerest in all history.” Hmmm. The Gay Ghost, who is really the 18th century Earl of Strethmere of Ireland, is described as pretty and he’s killed as bandits steal his purse. Further hmmm. The Gay Ghost makes Tinky Winky and SpongeBob SquarePants look like raging macho men. Where was Jerry Falwell at the time? We’ll never know now. (Hmmm…I stroke my chin and wonder…Jerry Falwell dead? Gay Ghost revival? Someone call DC! I have a comic to write.)
But let’s back up and find out how pretty Keith Everet, the Earl of Strethmere, became a gay…sorry…the Gay Ghost.
As the Earl bestrides his stallion, on his way to ask the lovely Deborah Wallace for her hand in marriage, a gang of rogues sets him upon. The scallywags attempt to steal the earl’s purse. As he struggles with the scoundrels, he is shot, mortally. His spirit is lifted up to heavens, whereupon he is greeted by his ancestors. His caveman forbearer tells the late earl that his dead relations feel his pain and that he can return to the mortal plane if he vows to be an avenger for justice. But there’s a rub. He must wait for his love, Deborah Wallace, to return before he can begin his life anew. The problem is further complicated by the fact that when he returns to earth it is 80 years thence and Deborah is long dead. (more…)
Real Name: Ted Sallis
First Appearance: Savage Tales #1 (1971)
Affiliations: Nexus of Realities, Legion of Monsters, Daydreamers
Creators: Roy Thomas, Gerry Conway, Gray Morrow
Lame Abilities: Oozing, secreting, leaking; has super mucus and the ability to sense human emotions, which are usually ones of disgust and confusion
Oozing is not a super power! No matter what that weird guy in the raincoat in the park told you. And vegetables do not make for great superheroes. Nontheless, we have Man-Thing, a slow-moving heap of vegetation who lives in the swamps of the Florida Everglades. He’s a lot like Swamp Thing (who made his debut in the same year) — except his name begins with the word “Man” and not “Swamp.” Oh, and he isn’t even half as cool.
Man-Thing began life as bio-chemist Ted Sallis, who injected himself with an experimental serum and then died in a magical swamp and blah blah blah became a super-oozing pile of muck. Though he’s one scary pile of sh*t, don’t get scared. The Man-Thing has the Touch of Fear, which means when he senses fear, he secretes a corrosive chemical that will give you one nasty burn. His catchphrase is…”Whatever knows fear burns at the touch of the Man-Thing!” If my man-thing was burning anything, or anyone, it touched, I’d get me some ointment, fast.
One good thing about Man-Thing is that he’s tasty (as evidenced in “Legion of Monsters #1″). Bet you can’t say the same for Batman.
Real Name: Robert L. Frank
First Appearance: USA Comics #1 (1941)
Affiliations: Liberty Legion, The Invaders, All-Winners Squadron
Creators: Al Avison, Al Gabriele
Lame Abilities: Super speed
No, his super power wasn’t radioactive urine. And the fact that his costume was bright yellow didn’t help matters, either. A super-urinater probably would have been much cooler. Unfortunately the Whizzer’s super ability was much more common. He was just really fast. Kind of like that other fast superhero over at DC.
Of course, there’s a lame origin story to go along with this. Young Robert Frank was in the African bush with his dad, Dr. Emil Frank, when he was bitten by a cobra. A mongoose killed the snake but was severly injured in the battle. Dr. Frank, fearing the worst for his son and remembering an old wive’s tale, injected Robert with the mongoose’s blood (hey, if Peter Parker could get the powers of an arachnid by being bit by a radioactive spider…). The good doctor immediately died of a heart attack and Robert attained super speed! He returned to the United States, took the name Whizzer, dressed himself in a yellow costume with bizarre wings on his cowl, and began a life of crime fighting — which had nothing to do with peeing on bad guys. (I can’t emphasize that point enough.)
He went on to marry fellow superhero Miss America, and at one point believed he was the father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Luckily for them, they were not. However, unluckily for Nuklo, a radioactive mutant monster, he was the offspring of the Whizzer.
The original Whizzer lasted only six years. His last appearance came in “All Winners” #21 in 1947. He was resurrected in the ’70s, and then finally killed off. The mystery of whether or not he peed really fast, too, was never solved.
