Lame Superheroes
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
Real Name: Unknown
First Appearance: Adventure Comics #330 (1965)
Aliases: Dirt Bag, Super Pig Pen
Creators: Jerry Siegel, Jim Mooney
Lame Abilities: Attracts dirt and consequently flies, disgusts humans, does a great impersonation of a homeless guy on the subway
The Legion of Super Heroes is a lame costumed adventurer’s wet dream. Their ranks include the pathetic heroes Matter Eater Lad, Triplicate Girl, and Bouncing Boy. So, you have to be really lame to be rejected by these losers. That’s what happened to The Mess, a superhero so lame he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry.
He was created by writer Jerry Siegel, who has the distinction of giving the world the greatest superhero, Superman, as well as the worst, The Mess. The dirt bag, whose “amazing” power is attracting dirt, first appeared in “Adventure Comics” #330 in 1965, a time when being filthy was groovy. He applies for membership in the Legion along with Eye-ful Ethel, a girl who has eyes all around her head so she can see in every direction, but both are rejected in favor of Dynamo-Boy, who impresses the Legion by re-invigorating a feeble old man after zapping him with radiation. So, being rejected by the Legion of Super Heroes is like being turned down for a date by that ugly fat chick whom you only ask out because you think it’s a sure thing.
The Mess recently appeared on the “The Legion of Super Heroes” animated series, where he was once again rejected.
In the right situation, his power could come in handy. If you needed your car cleaned in a jiffy, The Mess could suck the dirt right off. He could probably raise dirt storms. He also probably smells so bad that no villain would want to go near him. I’m sure The Mess can be re-imagined into a viable superhero. I’d call him The F—ing Mess and his motto would be “The F—ing Mess: He’s Gonna Clean Up the City’s Filth!” He’d be equipped with dirt bombs, nausea-inducing gas pellets, and an army of flies who’d do his bidding. His arch-nemesis would be the Filth Monger. Hey, I have to make a call to DC now!
(Thanks to Zep at The In-Sect for tipping me off about The Mess. Check out his own list of lame superheroes here.)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 4 Comments »
Friday, June 22nd, 2007
Real Name: Ralph Dibny
First Appearance: The Flash #112 (1960)
Aliases: The Ductile Detective, The Stretchable Sleuth
Creators: John Broome, Carmine Infantino
Lame Abilities: Elongating (of course), super-sleuthing, can do fabulous splits, never has to worry about erectile dysfunction
Like me, the Elongated Man was an accident. Editor Julius Schwartz okayed the creation of the character only because he didn’t realize that DC had acquired Plastic Man from Quality Comics four years earlier. Schwartz said he would have used Plastic Man as a supporting character in “The Flash” instead of the Elongated Man had he known. Nonetheless, the world got another Plastic Man. Then a year later, poor Ralph Dibny fell even further down the ladder of respectability. Another stretching superhero, Mr. Fantastic, made his debut and topped his predecessors in popularity. Now the Elongated was the No. 3 stretchy guy in comics.
It wasn’t anything as cool as acid or cosmic rays that gave Ralph Dibny his amazing powers. It was a soft drink. Ralph was obsessed with contortionists and wanted to learn their secret. He soon discovered that they all drank Gingold soda pop and that it had a mysterious ingredient, gingo fruit. So, Ralph isolated the ingredient and when he drank it in its concentrated form he had super elongating powers. Thereafter, Ralph must drink Gingold to continue stretching.
Like Plastic Man, the Elongated Man can stretch. Like Plastic Man, he was used for laughs. Like Plastic Man, he was in the Justice League. But unlike Plastic Man, he was one of the first married superheroes and the first to reveal his secret identity. Ralph and Sue Dibny were the Nick and Nora Charles (”The Thin Man”) of the comic book world, traveling the world and solving mysteries. But years later tragedy struck and Sue was murdered, a crime that figures prominently in two high-profile series — “Identity Crisis” and “52.” (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 10 Comments »
Monday, June 11th, 2007
Real Name: Sharon Ventura
First Appearance: Fantastic Four #310 (1988) (as She-Thing)
Alias: Ms. Marvel
Creators: Mike Carlin, Ron Wilson
Lame Abilities: Super strength, super gross-out abilities, rock-hard boobs (literally)
Superheroines have one thing in common: they’re flippin’ hot. The history of perversion and unnatural female body proportions in comics is thoroughly known. A 50-inch bust and 20-inch waist was a fantasy first popularized in funny books, and the industry has done very well with unnaturally hot super chicks. So, if superheroines are the stuff of male fantasy, then She-Thing is a guy’s worst nightmare.
She-Thing is about as attractive as her name implies. She’s the type of woman who makes your testicles crawl into your abdomen and hide. It wasn’t bad enough that they created a female version of The Thing, but they actually tried to feminize her. It’s The Thing with breasts, man! Yeesh! They made a female version of the monstrous Hulk damn hot. Would it have been so hard to make a huge, lumpy, orange rock creature sexy? Okay, so maybe they should have just left this alone.
Not only didn’t they leave this one alone; they went whole hog. If you’ve read “Fantastic Four” #317 your eyes were molested by Thing-on-Thing loving. It’s puking time! There’s nothing more effective than two rock creatures French-kissing and groping each other to make you want to gouge out your eyes (see pics below; eye gouging recommended). (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 22 Comments »
Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
Real Name: Congo Bill
First Appearance: Action Comics #228 (1957)
Alias: Congorilla, The Golden Gorilla, The Amazing Man-Ape, Jamie Lee Curtis
Creators: Robert Bernstein, Whitney Ellsworth, George Papp
Lame Abilities: mind transfer, super strength and agility
Congorilla has a strange and convoluted history. First there was Congo Bill, a jungle adventurer and naturalist who wouldn’t kill any animal unless he had to. Congo Bill made his debut way back in “More Fun Comics” in 1940. He soon ended up in the back pages of “Action Comics,” home of Superman. Then in 1959, ol’ Bill had a transformation. The powers-that-be wanted the character to be more like a superhero, so they did the next best thing — they turned him into a gorilla.
A dying witch doctor, Chief Kawolo, gives Bill a magic ring. When Congo Bill rubs the ring, his mind is transferred into the body of a legendary golden gorilla for one hour. And where does the gorilla’s mind go? Into Congo Bill’s body, of course. It’s like “Freaky Friday,” except Lindsay Lohan is Congo Bill and Jamie Lee Curtis is the gorilla, or maybe it’s the other way around (or for the older crowd — It’s like “Freaky Friday,” except Jodie Foster is Congo Bill and Barbara Harris is the Gorilla, or maybe it’s the other way around).
So, whenever plain ol’ Congo Bill gets into trouble with evil Foreign Legion mutineers or the like, he rubs his magic ring, jumps into the body of the golden gorilla, and becomes Congorilla. With his enhanced strength and agility, he makes monkeys out of his enemies and protects the innocent. Of course, during the swap, Congo Bill has to be conveniently locked away or sedated, because, after all, he has the mind of a gorilla and he usually goes ape-shit.
The comic was quickly renamed “Congorilla,” and it ran in a variety of Superman titles on a regular basis up until 1961. Congorilla has turned up a few more times over the years and in the ’90s he had his own mini-series. So there’s hope for more gorilla / human swapping in our future.
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 12 Comments »
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
Real Name: Cosmo
First Appearance: Detective Comics #1 (1937)
Alias: Phantom of Disguise
Creator: Sven Elven
Lame Abilities: A gentleman adventurer, crime-fighter, master of disguise, and excellent piano player
Cosmo. Not a name that strikes fear into the hearts of evildoers. He’s British, too. Further making it difficult to strike fear into the hearts of evildoers. What Cosmo does do well is disguise himself and solve mysteries. As a master thespian and mimic, Cosmo can make you think he’s your own mother.
In “Detective Comics” #27 (1939), also notable for Batman’s debut, the Anglo-Saxon detective and aristocrat not only disguises himself as a Chinese man, but he does a great impersonation of a devout racist. Cosmo is asked to help the Immigration Department stop the “smuggling of Chinese to our shores.” He takes the assignment, saying, “Those Chinese are pretty slick customers.” But it seems the Phantom of Disguise is really the slick one. Cosmo enrolls at the Frisco School of Languages, where he masters Chinese in 30 days! He then disguises himself as a “Chinese” and soon infiltrates the Asian community, where he uses his newfound skills at the Chinese language. In his first attempt at befriending one of the foreigners, Cosmo approaches a “young Chinese” and says, “Velly nice day, fliend.” The young man answers the Phantom of Disguise, saying, in Chinese, of course: “Yes, velly nice.” Take that Berlitz! The young man is fooled by Cosmo’s mastery over the Chinese language!
It doesn’t take Cosmo long to weasel his way into the Chinese smuggling ring, and after he pledges his loyalty by saying, “Me no talkee, Kwan Joy Lo. You take me to good job, eh?” he is one step away from cracking the case.
Cosmo was created by writer-artist Sven Elven and debuted in “Detective Comics” #1 in 1937, a decade when, apparently, it was okay to be racist. It was also about two years before Batman’s debut and a year before Superman’s. So, technically, Cosmo isn’t a superhero. Though, technically, he isn’t a detective, either. Or even a hero. He was a snob and a racist, but one hell of a piano player. He was described as a gentleman detective, which meant he was British, educated, and pompous. He didn’t last long. His final appearance came in “Detective Comics #37,” only 10 issues after Batman’s first appearance. Think of Cosmo as Batman without the costume or the tolerance for foreigners.
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 5 Comments »
Monday, May 21st, 2007
Real Name: Keith Everet
First Appearance: Sensation Comics #1 (1942)
Aliases: The Ghost Who Walks, Earl of Strethmere, Charles Collins, The Ghost-Man
Creators: Gardner Fox, Howard Purcell
Lame Abilities: Can enter men’s body…without the use of lubrication, skilled with a sword, is light on his feet
Now for some cheap gay jokes… Perhaps when the word “gay” comes up you automatically start seeing innuendoes everywhere. But just a few panels into the Gay Ghost’s first appearance (in the very masculine “Sensation Comics,” home of Wonder Woman and Mr. Terrific) and you get a sense that maybe the name isn’t just a coincidence. Right off the bat, we’re told that the Gay Ghost’s adventures are “the queerest in all history.” Hmmm. The Gay Ghost, who is really the 18th century Earl of Strethmere of Ireland, is described as pretty and he’s killed as bandits steal his purse. Further hmmm. The Gay Ghost makes Tinky Winky and SpongeBob SquarePants look like raging macho men. Where was Jerry Falwell at the time? We’ll never know now. (Hmmm…I stroke my chin and wonder…Jerry Falwell dead? Gay Ghost revival? Someone call DC! I have a comic to write.)
But let’s back up and find out how pretty Keith Everet, the Earl of Strethmere, became a gay…sorry…the Gay Ghost.
As the Earl bestrides his stallion, on his way to ask the lovely Deborah Wallace for her hand in marriage, a gang of rogues sets him upon. The scallywags attempt to steal the earl’s purse. As he struggles with the scoundrels, he is shot, mortally. His spirit is lifted up to heavens, whereupon he is greeted by his ancestors. His caveman forbearer tells the late earl that his dead relations feel his pain and that he can return to the mortal plane if he vows to be an avenger for justice. But there’s a rub. He must wait for his love, Deborah Wallace, to return before he can begin his life anew. The problem is further complicated by the fact that when he returns to earth it is 80 years thence and Deborah is long dead. (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 8 Comments »
Monday, May 14th, 2007
Real Name: Ted Sallis
First Appearance: Savage Tales #1 (1971)
Affiliations: Nexus of Realities, Legion of Monsters, Daydreamers
Creators: Roy Thomas, Gerry Conway, Gray Morrow
Lame Abilities: Oozing, secreting, leaking; has super mucus and the ability to sense human emotions, which are usually ones of disgust and confusion
Oozing is not a super power! No matter what that weird guy in the raincoat in the park told you. And vegetables do not make for great superheroes. Nontheless, we have Man-Thing, a slow-moving heap of vegetation who lives in the swamps of the Florida Everglades. He’s a lot like Swamp Thing (who made his debut in the same year) — except his name begins with the word “Man” and not “Swamp.” Oh, and he isn’t even half as cool.
Man-Thing began life as bio-chemist Ted Sallis, who injected himself with an experimental serum and then died in a magical swamp and blah blah blah became a super-oozing pile of muck. Though he’s one scary pile of sh*t, don’t get scared. The Man-Thing has the Touch of Fear, which means when he senses fear, he secretes a corrosive chemical that will give you one nasty burn. His catchphrase is…”Whatever knows fear burns at the touch of the Man-Thing!” If my man-thing was burning anything, or anyone, it touched, I’d get me some ointment, fast.
One good thing about Man-Thing is that he’s tasty (as evidenced in “Legion of Monsters #1″). Bet you can’t say the same for Batman.
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 8 Comments »
Monday, May 7th, 2007
Real Name: Robert L. Frank
First Appearance: USA Comics #1 (1941)
Affiliations: Liberty Legion, The Invaders, All-Winners Squadron
Creators: Al Avison, Al Gabriele
Lame Abilities: Super speed
No, his super power wasn’t radioactive urine. And the fact that his costume was bright yellow didn’t help matters, either. A super-urinater probably would have been much cooler. Unfortunately the Whizzer’s super ability was much more common. He was just really fast. Kind of like that other fast superhero over at DC.
Of course, there’s a lame origin story to go along with this. Young Robert Frank was in the African bush with his dad, Dr. Emil Frank, when he was bitten by a cobra. A mongoose killed the snake but was severly injured in the battle. Dr. Frank, fearing the worst for his son and remembering an old wive’s tale, injected Robert with the mongoose’s blood (hey, if Peter Parker could get the powers of an arachnid by being bit by a radioactive spider…). The good doctor immediately died of a heart attack and Robert attained super speed! He returned to the United States, took the name Whizzer, dressed himself in a yellow costume with bizarre wings on his cowl, and began a life of crime fighting — which had nothing to do with peeing on bad guys. (I can’t emphasize that point enough.)
He went on to marry fellow superhero Miss America, and at one point believed he was the father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Luckily for them, they were not. However, unluckily for Nuklo, a radioactive mutant monster, he was the offspring of the Whizzer.
The original Whizzer lasted only six years. His last appearance came in “All Winners” #21 in 1947. He was resurrected in the ’70s, and then finally killed off. The mystery of whether or not he peed really fast, too, was never solved.
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 5 Comments »
Monday, April 30th, 2007
Real Name: Peter Ross
First Appearance: Spider-Boy #1 (1996)
Affiliations: Daily Bugle, Project Cadmus
Aliases: Arach-Kid, Mall-Crawler, Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Boy
Creators: Karl Kesel, Mike Wieringo
Lame Abilities: Can manipulate gravity and stick to solid surfaces; enhance his strength, speed, and agility to superhuman levels; uses a special pistol that shoots synthetic spider webs.
Maybe they should have named him Spider-Lad. Spider-Boy has three strikes against him: 1) He’s a clone. 2) His name ends in “Boy.” 3) He shoots webs out of a special pistol.
Spider-Boy was a character in one of those alternate universes, where usually anything goes and bad ideas go to die. He was a clone of not only Spider-Man but of Superboy — not Superman, but Superboy — as well, only adding to the lameness. The mash-up was part of the Amalgam event in the middle ’90s, when Marvel and DC characters were combined into one. There was a Batman - Wolverine character named Dark Claw, a Man-Thing and Man-Bat character named Bat-Thing, and so on. Two series of 12 Amalgam books were released.
Super-Spider-Lad, the result of an experiment by Project Cadmus, doesn’t really have any spider-like abilities. He can manipulate gravity so that he can walk up walls, increase his strength, and jump really high. He also wears a leather jacket, which hasn’t been cool since the days of Fonzie. Thankfully, Spider-Boy has appeared in only two comics.
Spider-Man had gone 35 years without a “boy” or “lad” version. It should have stayed that way. There’s only one Spider-Man. Besides, wasn’t the original Spider-Man a boy himself?
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 8 Comments »
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
Real Name: Tenzil Kem
First Appearance: Adventure Comics #303 (1962)
Affiliations: Legion of Super Heroes
Associates: Shrinking Violet, Brainiac 5
Lame Abilities: Can bite and eat all forms of matter…without gaining a pound
Another lame lad, Matter Eater has one of the stupidest super powers in comicdom. He can eat matter! Doesn’t sound impressive? Well, Matter Eater Lad can eat anything, even Taco Bell after drinking all night…kind of like Kirstie Alley before she met Jenny Craig. Except, of course, Matter Eater Lad doesn’t gain any weight.
Matter Eater Lad is a member of that super lame team of heroes from the 30th century, the Legion of Super Heroes. Matter Eater, whose real name is Tenzil Kem, comes from the planet Bismoll (a play on Pepto Bismol). All inhabitants of the planet have the same super-eating ability of Matter Eater Lad. As the lame lad explains, “Gradually, over a period of eons, microbes made all food there poisonous… Just as gradually, evolution transformed my race so we could eat anything without being harmed!” Huh? Why didn’t they just adapt to the damn “poison” then? According to the super eater, ray guns taste good, iron chains taste like chocolate cake, and sucking on a metal pipe is, well, use your imagination. (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 15 Comments »
Monday, April 16th, 2007
Real Name: Garth. Just Garth.
Aliases: Aquaboy, Gill-Head
First Appearance: Adventure Comics #269 (1960)
Associates: Aquaman, Aquagirl, manatees, dolphins
Lame Abilities: Communicates with underwater creatures, real good swimmer, fabulous legs, walrus straddling
Creators: Robert Bernstein, Ramona Fradon
Any time your name ends in the word “lad,” you just bought yourself a first-class ticket to lamesville. But if that wasn’t bad enough, Aqualad has the double bad luck of being the young (and strictly platonic) companion of Aquaman, one of the least respected and least masculine superheroes in the history of comics. Aqualad rides dolphins, gets into questionable positions with walruses (for evidence, check the photo to the left), and has smoother legs than Robin. To further his lameness, Aqualad was voiced by Wil Wheaton on the “Teen Titans” animated series. Not that Wil is really lame, but he’s not the most macho guy in the galaxy.
Aqualad, who’s real name is Garth, is an amphibious humanoid who was once a prince of Atlantis. He was left to die because of some Atlantean superstition about babies with purple eyes. As a little boy, he was terrified of fish. But after Aquaman found him, he cured Aqualad. The two had many underwater adventures together and the rest is lame history.
In the ’90s, Aqualad got a makeover. Ol’ Gill-Head reappeared as Tempest, a tough guy with mystical abilities who shoots purple energy blasts from his eyes. To increase his machismo, he even stole Aquaman’s lover, Dolphin, and married her. Take that, Aquaman!
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 4 Comments »
Monday, April 9th, 2007
Real Name: Ulysses Solomon (U.S.) Archer
First Appearance: US 1 #1 (1983)
Associates: Poppa Wheelie, Wide Load Annie, Mary McGrill, Retread
Enemies: The Highwayman, Midnight, Baron van Blimp
Lame Abilities: Excellent athlete, tech expert, metal alloy skull that picks up CB transmissions and allows U.S. to head-butt like a bastard
Creators: Al Milgrom, Jim Shooter
The best lame comics have lame origin stories. “US 1″ came into exist not through the inspiration of a writer or artist; it was born in a marketing office. In the early 1980s Tyco created a line of electric trucking toys. A few years later they approached Marvel about doing a comic based on the toys. And Marvel bit.
Then, in 1983, in a lame reverse merchandising move, the “US 1″ comic hit the stands. And I bit. I was nine years old and excited to own a first issue of a series. This was an investment, I thought, that would pay off when I was in my early 30s, leading to an early retirement. Twenty-four years later “US 1″ comics are worth about six cents a copy and I am about 45 years away from retirement.
The hero of “US 1,” Ulysses Solomon Archer (U.S.A, get it?), graduated from college magna cum laude with a degree in computer program design and electronics engineering, among other things. He was quarterback of his football team. So, what does this athletic genius want to do with his life? Get hemorrhoids and drive a truck. Sounds like this guy shoots real low when it comes to career goals. (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 3 Comments »
Monday, April 2nd, 2007
Real Name: Terry Sloane
First Appearance: Sensation Comics # 1 (1942)
Affiliations: Justice Society of America, All-Star Squadron
Lame Abilities: Genius-level intellect, Olympic-level athletic abilities, photographic memory, superior math skills, easily led to suicidal thoughts
Creators: Charles Resizenstein, Hal Sharpe
There are so many reasons why Mr. Terrific has the honor of kicking off Blogzarro’s Lame Superhero of the Week series. But this is the clincher: Mr. T. defeats his first nemesis, a gangster named Big Shot, by doing math. That’s right, he challenges Big Shot to a math-off, and when the dunce fails to add up the numbers, Mr. Terrific swoops in, adds like a mothertrucker, and saves the day. Thus is born Mr. Terrific, the human dynamo who is stumped by nothing! It’s one of the lamest origin stories in comicdom. But let’s back up and find out how it all really began.
Terry Sloane began life as a child prodigy who excels at everything, academics, sports, social situations. But all the success is a bit too much for him (obviously, he doesn’t excel at being well-adjusted), which leads Terry to contemplate suicide. “I’ve done everything I’ve wanted to do,” he thinks, as he races along in his convertible. “The bridge — ah, there’s an idea. Death — that’s the only thing I haven’t experienced yet.” And this guy’s a genius! (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 12 Comments »
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