Flying

• Whenever I fly, I always buy a one-way ticket. I’m not very optimistic.
• Here’s a game everyone likes to play while onboard a plane: Guess the Terrorist. It’s a bittersweet game. If you lose, you live. If you win…
• Another thing I like to do when flying: Stand in the aisle and jump. If the plane is going fast enough, I can get to the bathroom in one leap. Try it.
• Why I love flying: It’s the only time when you can eat in New York and then crap it out in Los Angeles.
• What does an ant think when he looks out an airplane window?

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Joke #4

Did you hear about the B-2 stealth bomber that crashed in Guam the other day? I guess they didn’t see that coming. [Insert laughter here]

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Blogzarro Question #14

So the Denzel Washington movie “The Great Debaters” flopped at the box office. Don’t you think it would have done better if it was called “The Master Debaters”?

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Blogzarro Advice

FAT PEOPLE

• Attention, fat people: you’re not fooling anyone by wearing black…. We know you’re fat. “Hey, is that a fat guy?” “I can’t tell; his black clothing is blending into the ether.” If you don’t want to look fat, it’s simeple — lose weight.
• Never follow a fat man carrying the Sunday Times into the bathroom.

PORN

• Occasionally masturbate with your left hand. There are three bonuses: 1) It’ll feel like you’re getting a handjob from a stranger. 2) With time, you could become ambidextrous. 3) It’ll free your dominant hand for the mouse.
• If you don’t have cable porn, try the Spanish channels. They have gotten me through some really rough patches.

POLITENESS

• Never ask someone how he’s doing if you think he might tell you how he’s doing.
• Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. Be a man and look him in the eye!

HOUSE CLEANING TIME-SAVERS

• Get carpets the color of dust.
• Eat everything on napkins over your kitchen sink.
• If you’re patient, the Environmental Protection Agency will clean it up.
• Get a wife.

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Blogzarro Proverbs

• Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Face it, you’re fucking damned.
• Never look a gift horse in the mouth after it’s eaten an Oreo cookie.
• Spare the rod, spoil a potentially interesting evening.
• Don’t bite off more than you can chew unless someone else is paying the bill.
• Don’t cry over spilt milk. Get even!
• If you can’t beat ‘em, make up vicious lies about ‘em.
• It’s better to give a shit than to take a shit.
• History repeats itself, so don’t worry if you missed it the first time.
• Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless you’re a judge.
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, I’m coming to your fucking house with a baseball bat. Enough with the damn fooling already!

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Aphorisms, Truisms, and Bullshit

• Revenge is the best revenge.
• The fastest way to get from Point A to Point B is getting someone else to take you.
• Breasts demand attention.
• Ugly people are just beautiful people with horrible facial disfigurements.
• Smart people are just dumb people with better vocabularies.
• People shouldn’t be judged by the color of their skin, but by the size of their breasts, or their lack of breasts.
• The truth is a lie that hasn’t been discovered yet.
• There is more than one way to skin a cat, but only one way to kick it.

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More Bad Jokes

• One of the good things about being a thief: 100 percent profits.
• I like my women like my coffee…sweet, dark, and available at 7-Eleven for $1.45.
• I tried homosexuality, but I had to give it up. It was such a pain in the ass.

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Joke #3

Billy Joel smashed his car into another Long Island, New York home the other day. The Piano Man later said he got into the accident after realizing he was no longer sleeping with Christie Brinkley.

Posted in Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 1 Comment »

Bumper Stickers

A bumper sticker I’d like to see: “My other car is just like this one, except it doesn’t have an asshole behind it reading a stupid bumper sticker.”

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Joke #2

I’m really depressed…because recently my one-man band broke up over creative differences.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 1 Comment »