From the Twitter Files

Decided to live every day like I’m dying. Today’s first activity: cough up blood.

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Quick Fact

There are more than 1500 people in the U.S. named Unique.

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Gay Food

So Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has turned gay. And homosexuality never tasted so delicious. Well, not since that Snap, Crackle and Pop gangbang.

But gay food isn’t anything new. I long suspected Boston Kreme donuts of being queer — every time I eat one I get creamy jizz all over my face, and my attempts to marry one have been blocked by the state legislator.

Other (possibly) gay foods:
Fudge
NutRageous candy bars
Bananas
Kumquats
Swedish Meatballs
Cream Puffs
Semen

(41 votes, average: 5.93 out of 10)

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Who Cares About Headlines?

I was going to do something about my apathy, but then I realized I didn’t give fuck.

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Today’s Jokes

So it’s Friday the 13th, a very unlucky day. Kinda like the day that guy went hunting with Dick Cheney.

Chris Brown has finally surfaced. He was spotted in a boxing gym training for his next girlfriend.

It was a gusty day in New York. So gusty that one of Donald Trump’s hairs actually moved.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig says he might punish Alex Rodriguez for using steroids. But can you really punish a guy who’s already schtupping Madonna?

President Obama attended a ceremony the other night at Ford’s Theatre, where Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. I’m not saying Obama was paranoid. But he did spend much of his time there ducking and running in a zig-zag pattern.

(32 votes, average: 6.13 out of 10)
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Dude, Face It. You’re Gay

Have you heard this ridiculous news out of the country music world?

In an interview with Playboy, Kenny Chesney says he’s not gay because he’s had sex with more than 100 women. Hmmm. Sounds like this guy’s trying hard to prove something.

But what the country singer fails to mention is that the women in question all had cocks big enough to choke a pony.

Kenny really believes that all the women he’s bagged proves once and for all that he’s not gay. I’ll be convinced when he stops sucking Toby Keith’s dick.

(37 votes, average: 6.11 out of 10)
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Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations, Music | 3 Comments »

This Is How We Get Out of the Great Depression II

You really want to stimulate the economy? Auction off Bernie Madoff one ounce at a time.

(19 votes, average: 7.89 out of 10)
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Today’s Jokes

Chris Brown missed the Grammys Sunday night after allegedly assaulting his girlfriend Rihanna. But it’s been announced that he’ll receive a special honor at next year’s ceremony — The Ike Turner Award for Career Suicide.

Porn Star Stormy Daniels is thinking about running for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican David Vitter. I’m all for it. Finally, we’d have a politician we want to screw us.

(18 votes, average: 6.61 out of 10)
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Today’s Jokes

It’s been reported that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003. In his defense, A-Rod says the steroids only affected his ego.

Nadya Suleman, the mom of octuplets as well as six other children, now says she never meant to have so many kids. It turns out she’s just really bad with math.

Christian Bale has finally commented on his on-set hissy fit. He says he doesn’t know why it’s such a big deal — it’s not like he forgot to pay his taxes.

One good thing has come out of Michael Phelps’s suspension from swimming — now he can devote more time to his tribute band…Bong Jovi.

Have you heard Michael Phelps is being courted for a new T-V series? It’s a sitcom called The Bong Newhart Show. They also have a western in the works — that one’s called Bong-nanza. There’s even a reality show on the table…Toking With the Stars. But I think the winner is the urban-themed comedy they’re calling Really Good Times.

(14 votes, average: 6.14 out of 10)
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Today’s Observation: Update

Updating a previous Observation.

Today a woman actually said, “God bless you,” when I sneezed on the train. I was floored. So floored that I karate chopped the woman in the throat. And that, boys and girls, is why people don’t say “God bless you” on the train.

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