Jokes, One-Liners, Observations
Sunday, May 24th, 2009
I was going to do something about my apathy, but then I realized I didn’t give fuck.
Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
Updating a previous Observation.
Today a woman actually said, “God bless you,” when I sneezed on the train. I was floored. So floored that I karate chopped the woman in the throat. And that, boys and girls, is why people don’t say “God bless you” on the train.
Posted in Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | No Comments »
Monday, August 25th, 2008
When you sneeze on the train, no one ever says, “God bless you.”
Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 4 Comments »
Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
- Whenever I fly, I always buy a one-way ticket. I’m not very optimistic.
- Here’s a game everyone likes to play while onboard a plane: Guess the Terrorist. It’s a bittersweet game. If you lose, you live. If you win…
- Another thing I like to do when flying: Stand in the aisle and jump. If the plane is going fast enough, I can get to the bathroom in one leap. Try it.
- Why I love flying: It’s the only time when you can eat in New York and then crap it out in Los Angeles.
- What does an ant think when he looks out an airplane window?
Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 1 Comment »
Monday, February 25th, 2008
Did you hear about the B-2 stealth bomber that crashed in Guam the other day? I guess they didn’t see that coming. [Insert laughter here]
Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 3 Comments »
Tuesday, January 15th, 2008
So the Denzel Washington movie “The Great Debaters” flopped at the box office. Don’t you think it would have done better if it was called “The Master Debaters”?
Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
FAT PEOPLE
- Attention, fat people: you’re not fooling anyone by wearing black…. We know you’re fat. “Hey, is that a fat guy?” “I can’t tell; his black clothing is blending into the ether.” If you don’t want to look fat, it’s simeple — lose weight.
- Never follow a fat man carrying the Sunday Times into the bathroom.
PORN
- Occasionally masturbate with your left hand. There are three bonuses: 1) It’ll feel like you’re getting a handjob from a stranger. 2) With time, you could become ambidextrous. 3) It’ll free your dominant hand for the mouse.
- If you don’t have cable porn, try the Spanish channels. They have gotten me through some really rough patches.
POLITENESS
- Never ask someone how he’s doing if you think he might tell you how he’s doing.
- Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. Be a man and look him in the eye!
HOUSE CLEANING TIME-SAVERS
- Get carpets the color of dust.
- Eat everything on napkins over your kitchen sink.
- If you’re patient, the Environmental Protection Agency will clean it up.
- Get a wife.
Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 3 Comments »
Friday, September 21st, 2007
- Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Face it, you’re fucking damned.
- Never look a gift horse in the mouth after it’s eaten an Oreo cookie.
- Spare the rod, spoil a potentially exhilarating evening.
- Don’t bite off more than you can chew unless someone else is paying the bill.
- Don’t cry over spilt milk. Get even!
- If you can’t beat ‘em, make up vicious lies about ‘em.
- It’s better to give a shit than to take a shit.
- History repeats itself, so don’t worry if you missed it the first time.
- Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless you’re a judge.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, I’m coming to your fucking house with a baseball bat. Enough with the damn fooling already!
Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 6 Comments »
Loading ...
Loading ...
