Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 7 Comments »
I’ve sustained my first injury after obtaining the freakin’ coolest gaming console since the Vectrex, and I plan on getting plenty more.
I got the Wii a few days ago after many visits and phone calls to video game stores in several cities in the Northeast. (It seems to be a popular item.) So, after my wallet took a hit, my body was ready for the damage of using the Wii controller.
After figuring out how to hook the ball in the bowling game, I vowed not to stop until I broke a score of 200 (a score I’ve never attained in real life). After an hour of wildy swinging my arm at my TV and twisting the controller at the perfect angle, I reached my goal: a score of 213. Now, for the last two days, my shoulder has been sore. Okay, it’s not the worst injury in the world. But I suspect this will be just the first of many Wii-related injuries. I’m planning on re-injuring my back with the baseball game “The Bigs” and hurting my knees with tennis.
So, not only am I going blind because of the computer; I’ll probably wind up in physical therapy because of the Wii. Or I’ll possibly put a hole through my TV screen as I attempt to throw a stike.
Thank you, Wii, now I can hurt myself in the luxury of my own home.
Posted in Humor, Video Games | 14 Comments »
I want to talk about parking.
Fire hydrants are a big scam. If you park too close to one in New York City, it’ll cost $115. I’m not saying fire hydrants don’t come in handy — when there’s a fire. But if I park my car in front of a hydrant, and there’s no burning building in the vicinity — which is usually the case — what the hell’s the harm? Of the thousand times I’ve parked my car in front of fire hydrants, I have interfered in a total of zero fires. It’s a perfectly good parking spot. And if my car ever caught fire? Well, there’s a hydrant right there. But I respect the logic in keeping the hydrant clear in case there’s a fire. So I say, if there is a fire, then give me the damn ticket. That’s fair. If anyone dies as a result of my parking choice, double it. I’ll admit when I’m wrong.
I’m also against handicap parking.
These spots are always available. Think about that. Why aren’t handicap people parking there? Because they’re handicapped. They’re not driving around. They have enough trouble being handicapped. Stephen Hawking isn’t driving over to his local Laundromat to clean his clothes. He’s sitting at home talking like a robot, while I’m driving around looking for a parking spot.
And why do we give special parking privileges to handicapped people when so many other afflicted people are left out in the cold? I’m emotionally crippled — that ought to be worth a damn parking space. Let’s take this a step further. You have a small cock? My friend, you can cut the line at the grocery store. Have bad acne? Give the poor bastard a seat on the subway. You’re a man with breasts? Give him a complimentary order of onion rings at Burger King. Ugly? Stupid? Short? Bald? Bad teeth? Shitty life? Let these poor fucks park their cars wherever they want. You’re a handicapped, black, albino midget with a speech impediment? Sir, you can take your car right into the produce aisle. Your wife is cheating on you? They should valet park your car wherever you go. If she’s fucking your brother, they should wax the car, too. Let’s stop playing favorites.
Posted in Humor, Rants | 5 Comments »
Last Week’s Winning Caption: From Giddy Goo: “Superboy, this is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you.” “Hurt me? That ain’t kryptonite you feel against your leg.”
Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 24 Comments »
10. On your dinner menu for the past 467 nights: Brains.
9. Your dream woman? Anna Nicole Smith, post mortem.
8. You’re up all night moaning and drinking blood (sorry, that’s a sign you’re Billy Bob Thornton).
7. Your day job for the past four years: Pounding on the back door of an isolated farm house.
6. Your parents named you Uuuuhhhhhnnn.
5. You often say to your wife: “You know what would go really well with this pasta? Flesh of the living!”
4. You’re attracted to women with exposed spleens.
3. You enjoy playing such British Invasion tunes as “She’s Not There” and “Time of the Season” (sorry again, that’s a sign you’re a member of the 1960s band The Zombies).
2. Your second biggest pet peeve: Your right arm falls off whenever you try to masturbate.
1. Your biggest pet peeve: Your penis fell off two years ago.
Posted in Humor, Top 10 Lists | 4 Comments »
One of the scariest moments in life: that split-second as you’re descending onto the toilet…you’re at the point of no return…and you realize the seat is up.
Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | 4 Comments »
Last Week’s Winning Caption: From HAL-9000: “This is what happens when you don’t swallow!”
Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 19 Comments »
Why are people more afraid of harmless dead bodies than living people?
It’s the living, breathing fuckers who’ll mess you up every time.
Posted in Blogzarro Questions, Humor | 5 Comments »
Last Week’s Winning Caption: From Kevin: “And that’s the Fantastic Five, bitch!”
Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 26 Comments »
Do you hesitate before turning the page when the guy next to you on the train is reading over your shoulder? It just seems rude if he’s in the middle of the story.
Posted in Am I Crazy?, Humor | 7 Comments »
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