Blogzarro Advice

FAT PEOPLE

• Attention, fat people: you’re not fooling anyone by wearing black…. We know you’re fat. “Hey, is that a fat guy?” “I can’t tell; his black clothing is blending into the ether.” If you don’t want to look fat, it’s simeple — lose weight.
• Never follow a fat man carrying the Sunday Times into the bathroom.

PORN

• Occasionally masturbate with your left hand. There are three bonuses: 1) It’ll feel like you’re getting a handjob from a stranger. 2) With time, you could become ambidextrous. 3) It’ll free your dominant hand for the mouse.
• If you don’t have cable porn, try the Spanish channels. They have gotten me through some really rough patches.

POLITENESS

• Never ask someone how he’s doing if you think he might tell you how he’s doing.
• Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. Be a man and look him in the eye!

HOUSE CLEANING TIME-SAVERS

• Get carpets the color of dust.
• Eat everything on napkins over your kitchen sink.
• If you’re patient, the Environmental Protection Agency will clean it up.
• Get a wife.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 3 Comments »

Blogzarro Question #13

Why is the traditional color of briefs white? It seems to me that white is an unforgiving color for material that rubs against your ass.

While I was growing up in the ’70s ans ’80s, we all wore white briefs. I think it psychologically damaged me.

Posted in Blogzarro Questions, Humor | 11 Comments »

Blogzarro Proverbs

• Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Face it, you’re fucking damned.
• Never look a gift horse in the mouth after it’s eaten an Oreo cookie.
• Spare the rod, spoil a potentially exhilarating evening.
• Don’t bite off more than you can chew unless someone else is paying the bill.
• Don’t cry over spilt milk. Get even!
• If you can’t beat ‘em, make up vicious lies about ‘em.
• It’s better to give a shit than to take a shit.
• History repeats itself, so don’t worry if you missed it the first time.
• Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless you’re a judge.
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, I’m coming to your fucking house with a baseball bat. Enough with the damn fooling already!

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 6 Comments »

Insecticide

I think I just witnessed an insect suicide.

Every night, as I work on my computer — yes, work — out of the corner of my eye, I watch this tiny football-shaped bug crawl up the wall. He comes out at the same time, about 2 a.m., and at the same location, right behind my pen and pencil holder (for the sake of this story, let’s assume it’s the same bug). I’ve been known to go to extremes — busting lamps, hurling shoes, spraying Lysol, jumping up and down like a man on fire — to kill an insect. If he was one of those creepy-crawlies with a thousand hair-like legs, he would have been bug paste long ago. But he’s small enough and harmless enough that I leave him alone. In his persistence and consistency, he’s rather endearing. All of this makes tonight’s event so much more tragic. About an hour ago, I watched him again trudging up my wall, toward the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” movie poster. All seemed right — then, without warning, he plunged to his death*. It truly looked like he leaped, as he kind of suddenly popped off the wall by about an inch, hurtling to the doom below. Bugs, in my experience, usually have sure footing, so I must call this what it is: an insecticide. Let it be known to the bug population that this is one insect death in my apartment that I had nothing to do with — whatever mental anguish afflicted upon him by the things he witnessed in my room notwithstanding, of course.

(* I say this really for dramatic effect. Bugs, in my experience, are pretty resilient, and tomorrow night I might see my tiny roommate again. God willing.)

Posted in Bizarro News, Humor | 7 Comments »

Live Every Day Like It’s Your Last? Yeah, Right!

Have you ever heard this, the worst advice in history: Live every day like it’s your last? Imagine that. I know that if I lived every day like it was my last, it wouldn’t last more than one day.

Here’s my itinerary for the last day of my life:

• Wake up.
• Quit my job.
• Confess to crimes I didn’t commit. “Oh, that unsolved double murder in the park last summer? That was me.”
• Eat four dozen Boston creme donuts.
• Vomit.
• Eat another four dozen Boston creme donuts.
• Empty out my bank account. Buy as much porn as I can afford. Watch all the porn.
• Burn all my credit card bills.
• Head over to the White House. Urinate on President Bush.
• Kill some people I don’t like.
• Write my will. Nah, screw that. Let relatives fight battle-royale style for my possessions.
• Finally try one of those hot dogs at 7-Eleven. What would I have to lose at this point?
• Wait for the authorities to pick me up. Or wait to die. Whatever comes first.

The moral: If you have only one day left to live, take advantage of it.

Posted in Humor, Rants | 22 Comments »

Aphorisms, Truisms, and Bullshit

• Revenge is the best revenge.
• The fastest way to get from Point A to Point B is getting someone else to take you.
• Breasts demand attention.
• Ugly people are just beautiful people with horrible facial disfigurements.
• Smart people are just dumb people with better vocabularies.
• People shouldn’t be judged by the color of their skin, but by the size of their breasts, or their lack of breasts.
• The truth is a lie that hasn’t been discovered yet.
• There is more than one way to skin a cat, but only one way to kick it.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 2 Comments »

More Bad Jokes

• One of the good things about being a thief: 100 percent profits.
• I like my women like my coffee…sweet, dark, and available at 7-Eleven for $1.45.
• I tried homosexuality, but I had to give it up. It was such a pain in the ass.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 7 Comments »

My First Wii Injury

I’ve sustained my first injury after obtaining the freakin’ coolest gaming console since the Vectrex, and I plan on getting plenty more.

I got the Wii a few days ago after many visits and phone calls to video game stores in several cities in the Northeast. (It seems to be a popular item.) So, after my wallet took a hit, my body was ready for the damage of using the Wii controller.

After figuring out how to hook the ball in the bowling game, I vowed not to stop until I broke a score of 200 (a score I’ve never attained in real life). After an hour of wildy swinging my arm at my TV and twisting the controller at the perfect angle, I reached my goal: a score of 213. Now, for the last two days, my shoulder has been sore. Okay, it’s not the worst injury in the world. But I suspect this will be just the first of many Wii-related injuries. I’m planning on re-injuring my back with the baseball game “The Bigs” and hurting my knees with tennis.

So, not only am I going blind because of the computer; I’ll probably wind up in physical therapy because of the Wii. Or I’ll possibly put a hole through my TV screen as I attempt to throw a stike.

Thank you, Wii, now I can hurt myself in the luxury of my own home.

Posted in Humor, Video Games | 13 Comments »

Parking Rant

I want to talk about parking.

Fire hydrants are a big scam. If you park too close to one in New York City, it’ll cost $115. I’m not saying fire hydrants don’t come in handy — when there’s a fire. But if I park my car in front of a hydrant, and there’s no burning building in the vicinity — which is usually the case — what the hell’s the harm? Of the thousand times I’ve parked my car in front of fire hydrants, I have interfered in a total of zero fires. It’s a perfectly good parking spot. And if my car ever caught fire? Well, there’s a hydrant right there. But I respect the logic in keeping the hydrant clear in case there’s a fire. So I say, if there is a fire, then give me the damn ticket. That’s fair. If anyone dies as a result of my parking choice, double it. I’ll admit when I’m wrong.

I’m also against handicap parking.

These spots are always available. Think about that. Why aren’t handicap people parking there? Because they’re handicapped. They’re not driving around. They have enough trouble being handicapped. Stephen Hawking isn’t driving over to his local Laundromat to clean his clothes. He’s sitting at home talking like a robot, while I’m driving around looking for a parking spot.

And why do we give special parking privileges to handicapped people when so many other afflicted people are left out in the cold? I’m emotionally crippled — that ought to be worth a damn parking space. Let’s take this a step further. You have a small cock? My friend, you can cut the line at the grocery store. Have bad acne? Give the poor bastard a seat on the subway. You’re a man with breasts? Give him a complimentary order of onion rings at Burger King. Ugly? Stupid? Short? Bald? Bad teeth? Shitty life? Let these poor fucks park their cars wherever they want. You’re a handicapped, black, albino midget with a speech impediment? Sir, you can take your car right into the produce aisle. Your wife is cheating on you? They should valet park your car wherever you go. If she’s fucking your brother, they should wax the car, too. Let’s stop playing favorites.

Posted in Humor, Rants | 5 Comments »

Caption This Comic Cover! #8

Last Week’s Winning Caption: From Giddy Goo: “Superboy, this is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you.” “Hurt me? That ain’t kryptonite you feel against your leg.”

Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 24 Comments »

Top 10 Signs You Might Be a Zombie

10. On your dinner menu for the past 467 nights: Brains.

9. Your dream woman? Anna Nicole Smith, post mortem.

8. You’re up all night moaning and drinking blood (sorry, that’s a sign you’re Billy Bob Thornton).

7. Your day job for the past four years: Pounding on the back door of an isolated farm house.

6. Your parents named you Uuuuhhhhhnnn.

5. You often say to your wife: “You know what would go really well with this pasta? Flesh of the living!”

4. You’re attracted to women with exposed spleens.

3. You enjoy playing such British Invasion tunes as “She’s Not There” and “Time of the Season” (sorry again, that’s a sign you’re a member of the 1960s band The Zombies).

2. Your second biggest pet peeve: Your right arm falls off whenever you try to masturbate.

1. Your biggest pet peeve: Your penis fell off two years ago.

Posted in Humor, Top 10 Lists | 3 Comments »

What I Learned Today

One of the scariest moments in life: that split-second as you’re descending onto the toilet…you’re at the point of no return…and you realize the seat is up.

Posted in Humor, What I Learned Today | 4 Comments »

Caption This Comic Cover! #7

Last Week’s Winning Caption: From HAL-9000: “This is what happens when you don’t swallow!”

Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 17 Comments »

Blogzarro Question #12

Why are people more afraid of harmless dead bodies than living people?

It’s the living, breathing fuckers who’ll mess you up every time.

Posted in Blogzarro Questions, Humor | 4 Comments »

Caption This Comic Panel #6

Last Week’s Winning Caption: From Kevin: “And that’s the Fantastic Five, bitch!”

Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 26 Comments »