SARAH PALIN
A lot of people are worried about Sarah Palin’s readiness to be vice president. I’m worried about Todd Palin’s readiness to be the husband of a V.P. If my wife was the vice president I’d be going out of my mind…when the hell is she gonna have time to make my dinner?! And that was my sexist joke of the day. But it’s true…because I’m a lazy man, and I really would still expect my wife to make me dinner. I don’t care if you’re a heartbeat away from the presidency. The American people might have elected you, but I married you. John McCain would call: “Um, is Sarah there? I need her at the White House.” “Yeah, but she’s making me eggs right now. She’ll be there soon.” “There’s a situation with Russia!” “Breakfast is a really important meal, Mr. President. Can’t it wait?” And the world would end because I refuse to make my own food! That’s why we can’t have a female vice president. Because men are jerks. But, honestly, she’d still have to make me breakfast.
Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old pregnant daughter is making big news. What’s the big deal? The girl is from Alaska. What else is there to do in Alaska? Make snow angels and beat up Eskimos?
Many pundits are saying that politicians’ families should be “off-limits.” Apparently nobody told that to the young man who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter.
GEORGE BUSH
President Bush gave his speech at the Republican National Convention — 1,100 miles away via satellite. You have to feel bad for Bush. He’s like that kid on the playground with cooties.
Bush: “I heard you guys were having a convention or something.”
McCain: “Yeah, kinda. No big thing, really. Just some of us Republicans getting together. You wouldn’t want to go. It’s gonna be pretty boring.”
Bush: “Well, I like conventions.”
McCain: “You’re real busy running the country, right? We didn’t want to bother you. …Um, isn’t there a hurricane or something about to hit the Gulf Coast?”
Bush wasn’t the only high-profile Republican absent from the convention. Condoleezza Rice was sent on a tour of North Africa this week and Dick Cheney was dispatched to the Eastern European nation of Georgia. What are they going to do with these three after the election? Send them off to leper island?
It took Republicans a while to come around, but finally they agree with Democrats — Bush is a loser!
As you know, John McCain has chosen a running mate — one-time Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. I just have one thing to say about that…VP-ILF.
McCain, I don’t agree with any of your policies, but your running mate is one little cutie. She’s got that Tina Fey thing going on, but she’s actually pretty. I’m beginning to like the way you think, you sly old dog. Sarah, you want to do some off-shore drilling? Fine with me. Just name the time and the shore.
So to recap, McCain picked a young, good-looking running mate with little political experience. And Obama chose a grumpy, old white guy with decades of political experience. The message is plain: These two guys are hot for each other. Admit it and join forces. A McCain - Obama ticket is a sure thing!
The Japanese have some bizarre culinary and sexual practices. I’ve recently discovered one such practice that incorporates both.
There’s an underground restaurant in Japan where wealthy patrons pay to have sex with an animal and then eat it. At first blush this seems perverse and cruel. But then I got to thinking….
If I were a chicken I’d rather be groped by a lonely farmer than turned into nuggets. But maybe chickens, and the rest of the lowly animals, don’t want sex from humans under any circumstances. Fine. But no animal wants to be slaughtered and consumed by humans. And yet that is permissible. It all seems a bit hypocritical, doesn’t it? If you’re going to allow slaughter, then you should allow the loving. But the powers that be say, “Make food, not love.”
Further, there’s nothing illegal about having sex with an animal after it is turned into food. You can hump chicken nuggets all day long (in the privacy of your own home, of course). The trouble, really, is all in the sequence of events.
To sum up: Humans okay for sex, not okay for slaughter. Animals okay for slaughter, not okay for sex.
The moral of this tale is that if you want to have sex with your meat, cook it first.
I am not a homophobe. But for those of you who are — or think you might give the lifestyle a try when you get to college — I have compiled some activities that you may want to avoid. They might seem innocuous but, brother, if you don’t watch it you could be sharing quality time with Lance Bass.
Eating bananas. What else needs to be said? You might as well be sucking cock. A rather large, delicious, potassium-filled cock. If you are a homophobe, refrain from eating or handling the big yellow fruit in any way. It only leads to fellatio.
Wiping your ass. Think about it. It’s no secret — the ass is second only to the cock in the homosexual pantheon of lovemaking. And it is my firm belief that ass-wiping is the “gateway drug” to man-on-man anal sex.
Praying. I would not advise prayer for any God-fearing homophobe. One, you’re on your knees: the so-called second position in man-on-man love. Two, you’re looking up to an omniscient, father type. Three, altar boys. It all adds up to “gay.”
Applying Chapstick. Next step, lipstick…then panties, a bra and fishnet stockings. Before you know it, you go from moist lips to lopping off your cock and calling yourself Tula. Real men, like cowboys and hobos, have dry, chapped lips.
Eating Boston creme donuts. Cream filling strongly resembles jizz. Do yourself a favor and stick with a manly coffee roll, and forget the napkin.
Some time has passed between posts this year, prompting this question from loyal Blogzarro readers: “What the hell have I been doing?” I wish I had a simple answer. So, to explain myself, here’s an easy-to-read list…
I’ve been enjoying “The Two Coreys” a little too much. It’s easily the funniest show on TV (the humor, I think, is unintentional). My new favorite catchphrase: “I should just put you in the ground, kid.” Or: any sentence ending in “kid.” Also, I think it was Kiefer Sutherland who raped, so to speak, both the Coreys in their younger days. Gotta be. Or was it that other Frog Brother? He was always kinda creepy. It’s a hell of a mystery. Though, how cool would it be if one Corey molested the other, then in retaliation, the other Corey molests Corey? I smell a LOGO TV movie.
I’ve been listening to My Chemical Romance, so much so that I’m on the verge of cutting myself and then committing suicide by hanging. About 11 more hours of “The Black Parade” should do it.
I’ve been trying to lower my BMI so the trainer on Wii Fit quits talking to me in that condescending voice. (I’m down 25 pounds already.)
I’ve been coasting a lot while driving in an attempt to save gas. I’m also working on a Flintstone-esque car powered by my bare feet.
I’ve been battling waterbugs. I faced off against a tag-team of the biggest mothers ever to be seen in a Brooklyn bathroom. I came out victorious. My mop, however, was lost in the battle.
I’ve been eagerly awaiting my stimulus check, so I can thumb my nose at George Bush by putting the money in the bank and never spending it. Or, better yet, take the money and donate it to the Obama campaign (genius idea!).
I’ve been obsessing over Fantasy Baseball during much of my waking hours. My wife doesn’t agree, but I think it’s time well spent, because when I win — and I will win — I will have…well, nothing really. But I can’t help myself. Is there such a thing as Fantasy Baseball Rehab?
I’ve been working on Eliot Spitzer jokes, still. Here are three: 1) “I thought it was funny when I heard that Eliot Spitzer was caught paying a woman for sex. ‘Cause he’s been screwing New Yorkers for years and hasn’t paid them a dime.” 2) “Former governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey was shocked when he heard that Eliot Spitzer paid $5000 an hour for sex. He was quoted as saying, ‘Doesn’t he know he can get all the sex he wants for free at any Turnpike rest stop?’” 3) “When asked what he was doing with a prostitute, Governor Spitzer said he was working on his new stimulus package.”
Now George Carlin (who died Sunday) will find out if God really loves him — or, for that matter, if He even exists. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for both.
So the Denzel Washington movie “The Great Debaters” flopped at the box office. Don’t you think it would have done better if it was called “The Master Debaters”?
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As you know, John McCain has chosen a running mate — one-time Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. I just have one thing to say about that…VP-ILF.
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