Humor

From the Twitter Files

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

Decided to live every day like I’m dying. Today’s first activity: cough up blood.

Quick Fact

Friday, January 28th, 2011

There are more than 1500 people in the U.S. named Unique.

The Name Game

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

Came up with a great gay porn name: John CuteSack.

Blogzarro Question #22

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Why do zombies eat people?

They’re dead. They don’t need food to survive. They don’t have tastebuds. Therefore, they don’t need it and they can’t enjoy it. But, god, do they love it!

There has to be one vegetarian zombie out there, right?

BONUS QUESTION: If zombies eat, do they poop?

Am I Crazy Or…

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Is it getting a little crazy with all the trashy reality shows set in New Jersey (“Jersey Shore,” “Housewives of New Jersey,” “Jerseylicious,” “Jersey Couture”)?

Gay Food

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

So Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has turned gay. And homosexuality never tasted so delicious. Well, not since that Snap, Crackle and Pop gangbang.

But gay food isn’t anything new. I long suspected Boston Kreme donuts of being queer — every time I eat one I get creamy jizz all over my face, and my attempts to marry one have been blocked by the state legislator.

Other (possibly) gay foods:
Fudge
NutRageous candy bars
Bananas
Kumquats
Swedish Meatballs
Cream Puffs
Semen

1 Star2 Stars3 Star4 Star5 Star6 Star7 Star8 Star9 Star10 Star (41 votes, average: 5.93 out of 10)
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Panic at the Toilet

Friday, August 28th, 2009

Whenever I use the bathroom at work I panic. No, I don’t worry that I won’t make it to the toilet, or that I’m going to catch someone “peeking,” or that I’m going to slip and my mouth is going to fall on some guy’s dong. I worry that I’m going to be a victim of mistaken identity. Here’s the scenario: I walk into an empty bathroom and it reeks to high heaven, like the last guy in there had a Mexican atomic bomb drop out his ass. Then, as I’m walking out, in walks someone else, who, naturally, thinks I’m the stinky culprit. When this happens, I feel like one of those guys who spends 10 years on death row for a crime he didn’t commit. Oh, the injustice!

More Life Tips and Advice for the Common Man

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
  • While on safari, never wear leopard print.
  • The absolute, surefire way of getting out of jury duty: Confess to whatever crime the defendant is accused of.
  • If a child asks you where babies come from, never draw a picture.
  • Here’s how you can save money on magazine subscriptions: Get AIDS…and then read all the magazines at the doctor’s office for free!

Who Cares About Headlines?

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

I was going to do something about my apathy, but then I realized I didn’t give fuck.

Today’s Jokes

Friday, February 13th, 2009

So it’s Friday the 13th, a very unlucky day. Kinda like the day that guy went hunting with Dick Cheney.

Chris Brown has finally surfaced. He was spotted in a boxing gym training for his next girlfriend.

It was a gusty day in New York. So gusty that one of Donald Trump’s hairs actually moved.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig says he might punish Alex Rodriguez for using steroids. But can you really punish a guy who’s already schtupping Madonna?

President Obama attended a ceremony the other night at Ford’s Theatre, where Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. I’m not saying Obama was paranoid. But he did spend much of his time there ducking and running in a zig-zag pattern.

1 Star2 Stars3 Star4 Star5 Star6 Star7 Star8 Star9 Star10 Star (32 votes, average: 6.13 out of 10)
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