Am I Crazy Or…

Is it getting a little crazy with all the trashy reality shows set in New Jersey (“Jersey Shore,” “Housewives of New Jersey,” “Jerseylicious,” “Jersey Couture”)?

Posted in Am I Crazy?, Humor | 1 Comment »

Gay Food

So Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has turned gay. And homosexuality never tasted so delicious. Well, not since that Snap, Crackle and Pop gangbang.

But gay food isn’t anything new. I long suspected Boston Kreme donuts of being queer — every time I eat one I get creamy jizz all over my face, and my attempts to marry one have been blocked by the state legislator.

Other (possibly) gay foods:
Fudge
NutRageous candy bars
Bananas
Kumquats
Swedish Meatballs
Cream Puffs
Semen

(30 votes, average: 5.5 out of 10)

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Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 3 Comments »

Panic at the Toilet

Whenever I use the bathroom at work I panic. No, I don’t worry that I won’t make it to the toilet, or that I’m going to catch someone “peeking,” or that I’m going to slip and my mouth is going to fall on some guy’s dong. I worry that I’m going to be a victim of mistaken identity. Here’s the scenario: I walk into an empty bathroom and it reeks to high heaven, like the last guy in there had a Mexican atomic bomb drop out his ass. Then, as I’m walking out, in walks someone else, who, naturally, thinks I’m the stinky culprit. When this happens, I feel like one of those guys who spends 10 years on death row for a crime he didn’t commit. Oh, the injustice!

Posted in Humor, Rants | 6 Comments »

A Crap to Remember

Have you ever taken a wicked dump, checked out the bowl, and felt swelling pride? As you stand over the toilet, teary eyed, the dark, bold stench of your waste invading your nostrils, you feel like a parent whose child has just made the honor roll. You think about getting a bumper sticker that says, “I am the proud parent of a five-pound bowel movement that stunk up my house for three days.” This happens to me at least three times a week. My bowel movements are my greatest achievements. As they are flushed away, I salute them. “Godspeed, crap!”

A nice, dark, pile of your own feces can be quite impressive, a work of art. Of course, another person’s crap is plain disgusting. That’s why a parent can love an ugly child. Just like that ugly child that massive log in your toilet is your responsibility. You created that shit. You gave birth to that load of crap. If not for you, it would not exist. So, don’t be ashamed, take pride in your shit. Go out there a create a masterpiece of feces.

Posted in Humor, Rants | 9 Comments »

More Life Tips and Advice for the Common Man

• While on safari, never wear leopard print.
• The absolute, surefire way of getting out of jury duty: Confess to whatever crime the defendant is accused of.
• If a child asks you where babies come from, never draw a picture.
• Here’s how you can save money on magazine subscriptions: Get AIDS…and then read all the magazines at the doctor’s office for free!

Posted in Humor, Words of Wisdom | No Comments »

Who Cares About Headlines?

I was going to do something about my apathy, but then I realized I didn’t give fuck.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | No Comments »

Today’s Jokes

So it’s Friday the 13th, a very unlucky day. Kinda like the day that guy went hunting with Dick Cheney.

Chris Brown has finally surfaced. He was spotted in a boxing gym training for his next girlfriend.

It was a gusty day in New York. So gusty that one of Donald Trump’s hairs actually moved.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig says he might punish Alex Rodriguez for using steroids. But can you really punish a guy who’s already schtupping Madonna?

President Obama attended a ceremony the other night at Ford’s Theatre, where Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. I’m not saying Obama was paranoid. But he did spend much of his time there ducking and running in a zig-zag pattern.

(27 votes, average: 6.11 out of 10)
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Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 2 Comments »

Dude, Face It. You’re Gay

Have you heard this ridiculous news out of the country music world?

In an interview with Playboy, Kenny Chesney says he’s not gay because he’s had sex with more than 100 women. Hmmm. Sounds like this guy’s trying hard to prove something.

But what the country singer fails to mention is that the women in question all had cocks big enough to choke a pony.

Kenny really believes that all the women he’s bagged proves once and for all that he’s not gay. I’ll be convinced when he stops sucking Toby Keith’s dick.

(33 votes, average: 5.76 out of 10)
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Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations, Music | 3 Comments »

This Is How We Get Out of the Great Depression II

You really want to stimulate the economy? Auction off Bernie Madoff one ounce at a time.

(18 votes, average: 8.11 out of 10)
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Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | No Comments »

Today’s Jokes

Chris Brown missed the Grammys Sunday night after allegedly assaulting his girlfriend Rihanna. But it’s been announced that he’ll receive a special honor at next year’s ceremony — The Ike Turner Award for Career Suicide.

Porn Star Stormy Daniels is thinking about running for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican David Vitter. I’m all for it. Finally, we’d have a politician we want to screw us.

(16 votes, average: 6.69 out of 10)
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Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 3 Comments »