Humor
Friday, August 28th, 2009
Whenever I use the bathroom at work I panic. No, I don’t worry that I won’t make it to the toilet, or that I’m going to catch someone “peeking,” or that I’m going to slip and my mouth is going to fall on some guy’s dong. I worry that I’m going to be a victim of mistaken identity. Here’s the scenario: I walk into an empty bathroom and it reeks to high heaven, like the last guy in there had a Mexican atomic bomb drop out his ass. Then, as I’m walking out, in walks someone else, who, naturally, thinks I’m the stinky culprit. When this happens, I feel like one of those guys who spends 10 years on death row for a crime he didn’t commit. Oh, the injustice!
Posted in Humor, Rants | 6 Comments »
Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
Have you ever taken a wicked dump, checked out the bowl, and felt swelling pride? As you stand over the toilet, teary eyed, the dark, bold stench of your waste invading your nostrils, you feel like a parent whose child has just made the honor roll. You think about getting a bumper sticker that says, “I am the proud parent of a five-pound bowel movement that stunk up my house for three days.” This happens to me at least three times a week. My bowel movements are my greatest achievements. As they are flushed away, I salute them. “Godspeed, crap!”
A nice, dark, pile of your own feces can be quite impressive, a work of art. Of course, another person’s crap is plain disgusting. That’s why a parent can love an ugly child. Just like that ugly child that massive log in your toilet is your responsibility. You created that shit. You gave birth to that load of crap. If not for you, it would not exist. So, don’t be ashamed, take pride in your shit. Go out there a create a masterpiece of feces.
Posted in Humor, Rants | 6 Comments »
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
- While on safari, never wear leopard print.
- The absolute, surefire way of getting out of jury duty: Confess to whatever crime the defendant is accused of.
- If a child asks you where babies come from, never draw a picture.
- Here’s how you can save money on magazine subscriptions: Get AIDS…and then read all the magazines at the doctor’s office for free!
Posted in Humor, Words of Wisdom | No Comments »
Sunday, May 24th, 2009
I was going to do something about my apathy, but then I realized I didn’t give fuck.
Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | No Comments »
Thursday, December 18th, 2008
You always hear about little old ladies, but why don’t you ever hear about big old ladies?
Posted in Blogzarro Questions, Humor | 4 Comments »
Saturday, September 13th, 2008
How many serial killers do you think have gotten caught after murdering their first victim?
That has to be very disappointing for a budding serial killer. Forever you’d be known as just a “killer.”
Posted in Blogzarro Questions, Humor | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, September 9th, 2008
Sarah Palin is locked and loaded!
Last Winning Caption: From Mister Sinister: “And that, Jimmy, is were the Rockies came from.”
Posted in Captions, Humor | 8 Comments »
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