From the Twitter Files

Decided to live every day like I’m dying. Today’s first activity: cough up blood.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 1 Comment »

Quick Fact

There are more than 1500 people in the U.S. named Unique.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations, What I Learned Today | No Comments »

The Name Game

Came up with a great gay porn name: John CuteSack.

Posted in Humor | 2 Comments »

Blogzarro Question #22

Why do zombies eat people?

They’re dead. They don’t need food to survive. They don’t have tastebuds. Therefore, they don’t need it and they can’t enjoy it. But, god, do they love it!

There has to be one vegetarian zombie out there, right?

BONUS QUESTION: If zombies eat, do they poop?

Posted in Blogzarro Questions, Humor | 7 Comments »

Am I Crazy Or…

Is it getting a little crazy with all the trashy reality shows set in New Jersey (“Jersey Shore,” “Housewives of New Jersey,” “Jerseylicious,” “Jersey Couture”)?

Posted in Am I Crazy?, Humor | 3 Comments »

Gay Food

So Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has turned gay. And homosexuality never tasted so delicious. Well, not since that Snap, Crackle and Pop gangbang.

But gay food isn’t anything new. I long suspected Boston Kreme donuts of being queer — every time I eat one I get creamy jizz all over my face, and my attempts to marry one have been blocked by the state legislator.

Other (possibly) gay foods:
Fudge
NutRageous candy bars
Bananas
Kumquats
Swedish Meatballs
Cream Puffs
Semen

(41 votes, average: 5.93 out of 10)

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Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 3 Comments »

Panic at the Toilet

Whenever I use the bathroom at work I panic. No, I don’t worry that I won’t make it to the toilet, or that I’m going to catch someone “peeking,” or that I’m going to slip and my mouth is going to fall on some guy’s dong. I worry that I’m going to be a victim of mistaken identity. Here’s the scenario: I walk into an empty bathroom and it reeks to high heaven, like the last guy in there had a Mexican atomic bomb drop out his ass. Then, as I’m walking out, in walks someone else, who, naturally, thinks I’m the stinky culprit. When this happens, I feel like one of those guys who spends 10 years on death row for a crime he didn’t commit. Oh, the injustice!

Posted in Humor, Rants | 6 Comments »

More Life Tips and Advice for the Common Man

• While on safari, never wear leopard print.
• The absolute, surefire way of getting out of jury duty: Confess to whatever crime the defendant is accused of.
• If a child asks you where babies come from, never draw a picture.
• Here’s how you can save money on magazine subscriptions: Get AIDS…and then read all the magazines at the doctor’s office for free!

Posted in Humor, Words of Wisdom | 1 Comment »

Who Cares About Headlines?

I was going to do something about my apathy, but then I realized I didn’t give fuck.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 1 Comment »

Today’s Jokes

So it’s Friday the 13th, a very unlucky day. Kinda like the day that guy went hunting with Dick Cheney.

Chris Brown has finally surfaced. He was spotted in a boxing gym training for his next girlfriend.

It was a gusty day in New York. So gusty that one of Donald Trump’s hairs actually moved.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig says he might punish Alex Rodriguez for using steroids. But can you really punish a guy who’s already schtupping Madonna?

President Obama attended a ceremony the other night at Ford’s Theatre, where Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. I’m not saying Obama was paranoid. But he did spend much of his time there ducking and running in a zig-zag pattern.

(32 votes, average: 6.13 out of 10)
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Posted in Humor, Jokes, One-Liners, Observations | 2 Comments »