No idea is too lame for Hollywood. With the release of “Battleship,” board-game-”inspired” movies are poised to be the next hot thing in Tinseltown. In fact, there’s already a Candyland film in the works with Adam Sandler attached. (Apparently Eddie Murphy was too busy working on a Chutes and Ladders project.) So there’s no time to waste. Here are my lame pitches for the next “great” board-game movie.
THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS GAMES… “May the hippos never be hungry…for you!”
In a grim, post-apocalyptic North America, 24 attractive teens are chosen to compete in the Hungry Hungry Hippos Games. The nationally televised event (which airs after “The Real Housewives of District 1″) pits the youngsters against each other — and four extremely hungry hippos — in a fight to the death. In the end, only one will survive (unless that rule needs to be changed to accommodate the plot). Torn between love and an unwillingness to move her facial muscles, Cactus Evergreen (Elle Fanning) is forced to rely on her hippo-wrangling experience and marble-playing skills to survive. Will Cactus lose her marbles or end up hippo food? Co-starring Angus T. Jones as Cactus’s love interest/rival.
OPERATION: THE ORGAN COLLECTOR… “No one’s bread basket is safe!”
A serial killer (Steve Buscemi) with a thing for human organs is terrorizing Chicago. Nicknamed the Vivisectionist, the psycho removes the organs of his unwilling “patients” with a pair of oversized tweezers, first taking the Adam’s Apple of a high-powered attorney and then the broken heart of a prostitute. Detective Jack Gomez (Bruce Willis) is hot on the Vivisectionist’s trail when he discovers the harvested stomach of a singer — filled with butterflies! Gomez has a theory: the Vivisectionist is collecting the organs from the popular board game Operation! Things get personal when Gomez’s daughter (Selena Gomez), an aspiring stand-up comedian, goes missing. The Vivisectionist needs only one more organ to complete his ghoulish collection: A funny bone!
CRANIUM: BRAIN FARTS… “A brain is a terrible thing…to waste!”
A struggling actor (Jason Segel), an eccentric sculptor (Paul Rudd), a cocky beatboxer (Jack Black) and an idiot savant (Zach Galifianakis) try to save their favorite coffee shop/car wash from foreclosure by competing in a no-holds-barred Cranium tournament. Dubbed the Brain Farts, the four misfits must push their unique talents to the limit, but can they do it without killing each other? It won’t be easy. The reigning Cranium champs, the Brainiacs, are also the bullies who tormented the Brain Farts in grade school and, in an ironic twist, also the bankers foreclosing on their favorite coffee shop/car wash!
TROUBLE: POP GOES THE WORLD… “You want trouble? You got it!”
Earthquakes! Tsunamis! Gyllenhaal! When the Earth starts a-quaking, the world’s leaders come a-calling for disgraced geophysicist Rick Mancuso (Jake Gyllenhaal) — the planet’s only hope. A man harboring a dark secret, Mancuso has just 24 hours to discover what’s causing the Earth’s core to keep “popping.” If he doesn’t, the planet will be knocked off its axis — and that won’t be good. As Mancuso’s quest takes him across the globe, he must come to grips with his troubled past and the young daughter (Miranda Cosgrove) he left behind. Featuring the song “Pop Goes My Heart” by Taylor Swift.
MONOPOLY: OCCUPY THE WORLD… “Pass Go, collect the world!”
The Top 1% has just become the Top 0.00000000001%. With the world on the brink of financial collapse and the gap between rich and poor wider than ever, the Top 1% makes a desperate bid to secure its vast fortunes. Somehow (radiation?) combining the DNA and bank accounts of Warren Buffett, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, they create the Ultimate Fat Cat (played by John Goodman in a career-defining role). But the UFC’s power grows exponentially and quickly controls all the Earth’s resources, governments, corporations and four railways. The 99.9%’s only hope is a former hotel owner from Baltic Avenue (Chris Evans) whose only possessions are a vintage roadster and his lucky thimble. Co-starring Ian McKellan as The Banker.
I haven’t been posting lately on Blogzarro because I’ve been contributing to BuzzFeed. (Check it out, if you haven’t before. It’s a cool site.) Long story short: In just a few days, I’ve conquered the site and am their No. 1 poster. I have the Internet’s love of Black Widow cosplay and hate for Kim Kardashian to thank.
The best captioner will get a copy of Kevin Sorbo’s acclaimed memoir “True Strength.” (So provide a real email.) Contest ends April 13th. Now bring the funny!
UPDATE: And the winner is…Wichita Man!
Birds have it so good: soaring through the skies, riding the wind, alighting on tall buildings, pooping on the poor earth-bound schlubs below. Ah, to be a bird!
Man has dreamed of taking flight like his feathered friends for millenia. Now, according to a Dutch engineer named Jarno Smeets, that dream has become a reality. All it took was some ingenuity, a pair of homemade bird wings powered by an Android smartphone and Nintendo Wii Controllers. Smeets posted a video of it at work on YouTube. Looks pretty cool.
Well, don’t go reaching for the credit card to purchase a set of these so-called Human Birdwings. Because it’s a hoax. The Internet has pooped on us again! But it looks pretty cool, right?
(via Wired)
If felines ever take over the world, blame the iPad game “You Vs. Cat.”
Friskies has developed what it claims is the first duel-species video game. Yahoo! Games compares it to air hockey: “Pet owners flick an animated piece of cat food towards a goal, while the cat…tries to deflect it, generally by pouncing on the tablet.” (Good idea — let your cat pounce on your $600 iPad! Maybe the game should be called “How Long Before My Cat Scratches the Shit Out of My iPad?”)
It’s being shown at this week’s South-by-Southwest conference. And the cats are kicking human ass. The game’s world champion, Buddy the Cat, was flown to Austin — and he has yet to be defeated! Worldwide, cats lead humans 2,091 to 1,250. Friskies believes the game will develop Mr. Fluffy’s brain. I hope not! First kitty plays on your iPad, then he’s playing “Gears of War,” then Overlord Toonces enslaves the human race. My advice? Keep your damn cat away from your iPad!
(via Yahoo! Games)
