Last Week’s Winning Caption: From Kevin: Yellow Thing: “And yet, in getting what she always wanted, Lois discovers that it’s really not what she wanted at all.” Superman Robot: “So you’re going to let me go?” Lois: “No, I paid for a sex bot and I’m GETTING a sex bot.”
Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 9 Comments »
Optimus Prime is getting all the attention with the hype surrounding the “Transformers” movie. But what of those trucks that have come before and after the great Autobot leader? Blogzarro has scoured the world of movies, television, and comics to compile a list of the coolest trucks ever assembled. Here, I present another useless, idiotic list. Enjoy!
| 1 | OPTIMUS PRIME (Transformers)
Optimus isn’t just a damn truck. Aintcha heard, junior? He’s a robot in disguise. That makes Optimus Prime twice as cool as these other mere mortal trucks. How do you compete with a semi-truck equipped with a big-ass gun? Plus, he could kick any of these other guys’ tailpipes with one hand tied behind his back. However, I always thought the coolest thing about Prime was his deep, authoritative voice. But then I learned that Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime) is also the voice of Eeyore. So I can’t watch Winnie the Pooh without thinking, “Eeyore is freakin’ Optimus Prime!” Consequently, Eeyore has now become cooler than Tigger, but still not as cool as Piglet. |
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| 2 | GOLIATH (Knight Rider)
Coolness factor? Other than the fact that Goliath was driven by an evil, goateed David Hasselhoff, aka Garthe Knight? Because it doesn’t get any better than that in my book. Thousands of young fanboys in the ’80s gasped when they thought KITT was down for the count after a collision with Goliath. Plus, the Knight Rider race track was the most highly anticipated Christmas gift of my childhood and allowed me to recreate the famed collision in my own home. |
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| 3 | ROAD RAGE TANK TRUCK (Duel)
Before “Jaws,” Steven Spielberg brought terror to the highway with “Duel,” a 1971 TV movie about a businessman terrorized by a psycho in a rusty Peterbilt tank truck. This was way before anyone ever heard of the phrase “road rage” or the name Steven Spielberg. Think of “Duel” as “Jaws” on the highway. |
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Posted in Comic Books, Movies, Television | 42 Comments »
Last Week’s Winning Caption: From Adam: “When I told that genie I wanted a wiener like a horse between my legs, this was not what I had in mind!!!”
Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 12 Comments »
Real Name: Unknown
First Appearance: Adventure Comics #330 (1965)
Aliases: Dirt Bag, Super Pig Pen
Creators: Jerry Siegel, Jim Mooney
Lame Abilities: Attracts dirt and consequently flies, disgusts humans, does a great impersonation of a homeless guy on the subway
The Legion of Super Heroes is a lame costumed adventurer’s wet dream. Their ranks include the pathetic heroes Matter Eater Lad, Triplicate Girl, and Bouncing Boy. So, you have to be really lame to be rejected by these losers. That’s what happened to The Mess, a superhero so lame he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry.
He was created by writer Jerry Siegel, who has the distinction of giving the world the greatest superhero, Superman, as well as the worst, The Mess. The dirt bag, whose “amazing” power is attracting dirt, first appeared in “Adventure Comics” #330 in 1965, a time when being filthy was groovy. He applies for membership in the Legion along with Eye-ful Ethel, a girl who has eyes all around her head so she can see in every direction, but both are rejected in favor of Dynamo-Boy, who impresses the Legion by re-invigorating a feeble old man after zapping him with radiation. So, being rejected by the Legion of Super Heroes is like being turned down for a date by that ugly fat chick whom you only ask out because you think it’s a sure thing.
The Mess recently appeared on the “The Legion of Super Heroes” animated series, where he was once again rejected.
In the right situation, his power could come in handy. If you needed your car cleaned in a jiffy, The Mess could suck the dirt right off. He could probably raise dirt storms. He also probably smells so bad that no villain would want to go near him. I’m sure The Mess can be re-imagined into a viable superhero. I’d call him The F—ing Mess and his motto would be “The F—ing Mess: He’s Gonna Clean Up the City’s Filth!” He’d be equipped with dirt bombs, nausea-inducing gas pellets, and an army of flies who’d do his bidding. His arch-nemesis would be the Filth Monger. Hey, I have to make a call to DC now!
(Thanks to Zep at The In-Sect for tipping me off about The Mess. Check out his own list of lame superheroes here.)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 4 Comments »
Posted in Captions, Comic Books, Humor | 28 Comments »
Real Name: Ralph Dibny
First Appearance: The Flash #112 (1960)
Aliases: The Ductile Detective, The Stretchable Sleuth
Creators: John Broome, Carmine Infantino
Lame Abilities: Elongating (of course), super-sleuthing, can do fabulous splits, never has to worry about erectile dysfunction
Like me, the Elongated Man was an accident. Editor Julius Schwartz okayed the creation of the character only because he didn’t realize that DC had acquired Plastic Man from Quality Comics four years earlier. Schwartz said he would have used Plastic Man as a supporting character in “The Flash” instead of the Elongated Man had he known. Nonetheless, the world got another Plastic Man. Then a year later, poor Ralph Dibny fell even further down the ladder of respectability. Another stretching superhero, Mr. Fantastic, made his debut and topped his predecessors in popularity. Now the Elongated was the No. 3 stretchy guy in comics.
It wasn’t anything as cool as acid or cosmic rays that gave Ralph Dibny his amazing powers. It was a soft drink. Ralph was obsessed with contortionists and wanted to learn their secret. He soon discovered that they all drank Gingold soda pop and that it had a mysterious ingredient, gingo fruit. So, Ralph isolated the ingredient and when he drank it in its concentrated form he had super elongating powers. Thereafter, Ralph must drink Gingold to continue stretching.
Like Plastic Man, the Elongated Man can stretch. Like Plastic Man, he was used for laughs. Like Plastic Man, he was in the Justice League. But unlike Plastic Man, he was one of the first married superheroes and the first to reveal his secret identity. Ralph and Sue Dibny were the Nick and Nora Charles (“The Thin Man”) of the comic book world, traveling the world and solving mysteries. But years later tragedy struck and Sue was murdered, a crime that figures prominently in two high-profile series — “Identity Crisis” and “52.” (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 10 Comments »
Why the hell do superheroes need secret identities?
Supposedly, the secret identities protect the superheroes’ loved ones. Because, god forbid, if Lex Luthor knew that Lois Lane is really married to Superman, then she’d be in terrible danger. Oh, wait, Lois Lane is in danger in every freakin’ Superman story.
Name a superhero movie in which the superhero’s significant other wasn’t kipnapped or threatened by the villain. In “Spider-Man 2″ even poor Aunt May was almost killed by Doc Ock. So, let’s can the secret identities already.
Flash Gordon never needed a damn secret identity.
Posted in Blogzarro Questions, Comic Books, Humor | 5 Comments »
Wizard World Philadelphia convention highlighted by Hayden Panettiere and news of big changes for Spider-Man comics.
“Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere was the queen of this past weekend’s Wizard World Philadelphia, which featured all-star comic panels, celebrities, gaming, costumed geeks and more. During a packed hour-long question-and-answer session Saturday Hayden gave fans an inside look at the hit NBC series and her character, the indestructible cheerleader Claire Bennet.
Hayden, however, skirted the biggest question of the afternoon, but hinted that we might see more of Zachary Quinto. When a young boy asked, “Is Sylar really dead,” Hayden coyly answered, “So it looks like he’s…hurt. But no show can go without a villain.”
She also hinted that she might get a love interest in season two. “I may get [a boyfirend]. I [told the writers], ‘Dudes, okay! That’s it! Everyone else on the show has a love interest, and I don’t get one? I killed my first one…unfortunately.”
With her character, Claire Bennet, being “killed” several times during last season, the 17-year-old actress admitted that she often felt like Kenny from “South Park.” “I always say I feel like a piece of steak. I get flayed and grilled and stir-fried. I knew when I read the pilot that my ability would allow me to be in the brunt of the action and the middle of the explosions and fire, which was very appealing to me…. It’s always cool to find out what limbs are falling off next.”
Hayden even wowed the audience with a performance of “The Star-Spangled Banner” after a young man asked her to prove her singing skills (check out a clip of her performance on YouTube). Hayden, by the way, has an album coming out later this year.
The weekend also featured several comic book panels, which included such bigwigs as Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada and writer Brian Michael Bendis. The big news over the weekend was the change in format for Spider-Man titles. Marvel announced the follow-up to the Spider-Man story arc “One More Day.” It’s called “Brand New Day” and Marvel is changing things up a bit for it. They’ll be combining all the Spider-Man titles into “Amazing Spider-Man,” which will ship three times a month. “Spider-Man comes out three times a month,” Quesada explains. “It just came out under the titles ‘Amazing,’ ‘Friendly [Neighborhood],’ and ‘Sensational Spider-Man.’ All we’re doing is calling it ‘Amazing’ all the time. Instead of it being three separate story lines, it’s one continuous story line.” Marvel also recently released the promo image for “Brand New Day,” at right.
The big news from DC was the announcement of a Parallax one-shot comic. Also announced were three comics covering the impending nuptials of Green Arrow and Black Canary — “Green Arrow/Black Canary Wedding Special,” “Black Canary Wedding Planner,” and “Justice League Wedding Special.” (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Movies, News, Television | 10 Comments »
Real Name: Sharon Ventura
First Appearance: Fantastic Four #310 (1988) (as She-Thing)
Alias: Ms. Marvel
Creators: Mike Carlin, Ron Wilson
Lame Abilities: Super strength, super gross-out abilities, rock-hard boobs (literally)
Superheroines have one thing in common: they’re flippin’ hot. The history of perversion and unnatural female body proportions in comics is thoroughly known. A 50-inch bust and 20-inch waist was a fantasy first popularized in funny books, and the industry has done very well with unnaturally hot super chicks. So, if superheroines are the stuff of male fantasy, then She-Thing is a guy’s worst nightmare.
She-Thing is about as attractive as her name implies. She’s the type of woman who makes your testicles crawl into your abdomen and hide. It wasn’t bad enough that they created a female version of The Thing, but they actually tried to feminize her. It’s The Thing with breasts, man! Yeesh! They made a female version of the monstrous Hulk damn hot. Would it have been so hard to make a huge, lumpy, orange rock creature sexy? Okay, so maybe they should have just left this alone.
Not only didn’t they leave this one alone; they went whole hog. If you’ve read “Fantastic Four” #317 your eyes were molested by Thing-on-Thing loving. It’s puking time! There’s nothing more effective than two rock creatures French-kissing and groping each other to make you want to gouge out your eyes (see pics below; eye gouging recommended). (more…)
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 22 Comments »
Real Name: Congo Bill
First Appearance: Action Comics #228 (1957)
Alias: Congorilla, The Golden Gorilla, The Amazing Man-Ape, Jamie Lee Curtis
Creators: Robert Bernstein, Whitney Ellsworth, George Papp
Lame Abilities: mind transfer, super strength and agility
Congorilla has a strange and convoluted history. First there was Congo Bill, a jungle adventurer and naturalist who wouldn’t kill any animal unless he had to. Congo Bill made his debut way back in “More Fun Comics” in 1940. He soon ended up in the back pages of “Action Comics,” home of Superman. Then in 1959, ol’ Bill had a transformation. The powers-that-be wanted the character to be more like a superhero, so they did the next best thing — they turned him into a gorilla.
A dying witch doctor, Chief Kawolo, gives Bill a magic ring. When Congo Bill rubs the ring, his mind is transferred into the body of a legendary golden gorilla for one hour. And where does the gorilla’s mind go? Into Congo Bill’s body, of course. It’s like “Freaky Friday,” except Lindsay Lohan is Congo Bill and Jamie Lee Curtis is the gorilla, or maybe it’s the other way around (or for the older crowd — It’s like “Freaky Friday,” except Jodie Foster is Congo Bill and Barbara Harris is the Gorilla, or maybe it’s the other way around).
So, whenever plain ol’ Congo Bill gets into trouble with evil Foreign Legion mutineers or the like, he rubs his magic ring, jumps into the body of the golden gorilla, and becomes Congorilla. With his enhanced strength and agility, he makes monkeys out of his enemies and protects the innocent. Of course, during the swap, Congo Bill has to be conveniently locked away or sedated, because, after all, he has the mind of a gorilla and he usually goes ape-shit.
The comic was quickly renamed “Congorilla,” and it ran in a variety of Superman titles on a regular basis up until 1961. Congorilla has turned up a few more times over the years and in the ’90s he had his own mini-series. So there’s hope for more gorilla / human swapping in our future.
Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 12 Comments »
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