Lame Superhero of the Week: The Elongated Man

Real Name: Ralph Dibny
First Appearance: The Flash #112 (1960)
Aliases: The Ductile Detective, The Stretchable Sleuth
Creators: John Broome, Carmine Infantino
Lame Abilities: Elongating (of course), super-sleuthing, can do fabulous splits, never has to worry about erectile dysfunction

Like me, the Elongated Man was an accident. Editor Julius Schwartz okayed the creation of the character only because he didn’t realize that DC had acquired Plastic Man from Quality Comics four years earlier. Schwartz said he would have used Plastic Man as a supporting character in “The Flash” instead of the Elongated Man had he known. Nonetheless, the world got another Plastic Man. Then a year later, poor Ralph Dibny fell even further down the ladder of respectability. Another stretching superhero, Mr. Fantastic, made his debut and topped his predecessors in popularity. Now the Elongated was the No. 3 stretchy guy in comics.

It wasn’t anything as cool as acid or cosmic rays that gave Ralph Dibny his amazing powers. It was a soft drink. Ralph was obsessed with contortionists and wanted to learn their secret. He soon discovered that they all drank Gingold soda pop and that it had a mysterious ingredient, gingo fruit. So, Ralph isolated the ingredient and when he drank it in its concentrated form he had super elongating powers. Thereafter, Ralph must drink Gingold to continue stretching.

Like Plastic Man, the Elongated Man can stretch. Like Plastic Man, he was used for laughs. Like Plastic Man, he was in the Justice League. But unlike Plastic Man, he was one of the first married superheroes and the first to reveal his secret identity. Ralph and Sue Dibny were the Nick and Nora Charles (”The Thin Man”) of the comic book world, traveling the world and solving mysteries. But years later tragedy struck and Sue was murdered, a crime that figures prominently in two high-profile series — “Identity Crisis” and “52.” (more…)

Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 10 Comments »

Blogzarro Question #10

Why the hell do superheroes need secret identities?

Supposedly, the secret identities protect the superheroes’ loved ones. Because, god forbid, if Lex Luthor knew that Lois Lane is really married to Superman, then she’d be in terrible danger. Oh, wait, Lois Lane is in danger in every freakin’ Superman story.

Name a superhero movie in which the superhero’s significant other wasn’t kipnapped or threatened by the villain. In “Spider-Man 2″ even poor Aunt May was almost killed by Doc Ock. So, let’s can the secret identities already.

Flash Gordon never needed a damn secret identity.

Posted in Blogzarro Questions, Comic Books, Humor | 5 Comments »

Hayden Panettiere Is Hero of Wizard World Philadelphia

Wizard World Philadelphia convention highlighted by Hayden Panettiere and news of big changes for Spider-Man comics.

“Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere was the queen of this past weekend’s Wizard World Philadelphia, which featured all-star comic panels, celebrities, gaming, costumed geeks and more. During a packed hour-long question-and-answer session Saturday Hayden gave fans an inside look at the hit NBC series and her character, the indestructible cheerleader Claire Bennet.

Hayden, however, skirted the biggest question of the afternoon, but hinted that we might see more of Zachary Quinto. When a young boy asked, “Is Sylar really dead,” Hayden coyly answered, “So it looks like he’s…hurt. But no show can go without a villain.”

She also hinted that she might get a love interest in season two. “I may get [a boyfirend]. I [told the writers], ‘Dudes, okay! That’s it! Everyone else on the show has a love interest, and I don’t get one? I killed my first one…unfortunately.”

With her character, Claire Bennet, being “killed” several times during last season, the 17-year-old actress admitted that she often felt like Kenny from “South Park.” “I always say I feel like a piece of steak. I get flayed and grilled and stir-fried. I knew when I read the pilot that my ability would allow me to be in the brunt of the action and the middle of the explosions and fire, which was very appealing to me…. It’s always cool to find out what limbs are falling off next.”

Hayden even wowed the audience with a performance of “The Star-Spangled Banner” after a young man asked her to prove her singing skills (check out a clip of her performance on YouTube). Hayden, by the way, has an album coming out later this year.

The weekend also featured several comic book panels, which included such bigwigs as Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada and writer Brian Michael Bendis. The big news over the weekend was the change in format for Spider-Man titles. Marvel announced the follow-up to the Spider-Man story arc “One More Day.” It’s called “Brand New Day” and Marvel is changing things up a bit for it. They’ll be combining all the Spider-Man titles into “Amazing Spider-Man,” which will ship three times a month. “Spider-Man comes out three times a month,” Quesada explains. “It just came out under the titles ‘Amazing,’ ‘Friendly [Neighborhood],’ and ‘Sensational Spider-Man.’ All we’re doing is calling it ‘Amazing’ all the time. Instead of it being three separate story lines, it’s one continuous story line.” Marvel also recently released the promo image for “Brand New Day,” at right.

The big news from DC was the announcement of a Parallax one-shot comic. Also announced were three comics covering the impending nuptials of Green Arrow and Black Canary — “Green Arrow/Black Canary Wedding Special,” “Black Canary Wedding Planner,” and “Justice League Wedding Special.” (more…)

Posted in Comic Books, Movies, News, Television | 10 Comments »

Lame Superhero of the Week: She-Thing

Real Name: Sharon Ventura
First Appearance: Fantastic Four #310 (1988) (as She-Thing)
Alias: Ms. Marvel
Creators: Mike Carlin, Ron Wilson
Lame Abilities: Super strength, super gross-out abilities, rock-hard boobs (literally)

Superheroines have one thing in common: they’re flippin’ hot. The history of perversion and unnatural female body proportions in comics is thoroughly known. A 50-inch bust and 20-inch waist was a fantasy first popularized in funny books, and the industry has done very well with unnaturally hot super chicks. So, if superheroines are the stuff of male fantasy, then She-Thing is a guy’s worst nightmare.

She-Thing is about as attractive as her name implies. She’s the type of woman who makes your testicles crawl into your abdomen and hide. It wasn’t bad enough that they created a female version of The Thing, but they actually tried to feminize her. It’s The Thing with breasts, man! Yeesh! They made a female version of the monstrous Hulk damn hot. Would it have been so hard to make a huge, lumpy, orange rock creature sexy? Okay, so maybe they should have just left this alone.

Not only didn’t they leave this one alone; they went whole hog. If you’ve read “Fantastic Four” #317 your eyes were molested by Thing-on-Thing loving. It’s puking time! There’s nothing more effective than two rock creatures French-kissing and groping each other to make you want to gouge out your eyes (see pics below; eye gouging recommended). (more…)

Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 22 Comments »

Lame Superhero of the Week: Congorilla

Real Name: Congo Bill
First Appearance: Action Comics #228 (1957)
Alias: Congorilla, The Golden Gorilla, The Amazing Man-Ape, Jamie Lee Curtis
Creators: Robert Bernstein, Whitney Ellsworth, George Papp
Lame Abilities: mind transfer, super strength and agility

Congorilla has a strange and convoluted history. First there was Congo Bill, a jungle adventurer and naturalist who wouldn’t kill any animal unless he had to. Congo Bill made his debut way back in “More Fun Comics” in 1940. He soon ended up in the back pages of “Action Comics,” home of Superman. Then in 1959, ol’ Bill had a transformation. The powers-that-be wanted the character to be more like a superhero, so they did the next best thing — they turned him into a gorilla.

A dying witch doctor, Chief Kawolo, gives Bill a magic ring. When Congo Bill rubs the ring, his mind is transferred into the body of a legendary golden gorilla for one hour. And where does the gorilla’s mind go? Into Congo Bill’s body, of course. It’s like “Freaky Friday,” except Lindsay Lohan is Congo Bill and Jamie Lee Curtis is the gorilla, or maybe it’s the other way around (or for the older crowd — It’s like “Freaky Friday,” except Jodie Foster is Congo Bill and Barbara Harris is the Gorilla, or maybe it’s the other way around).

So, whenever plain ol’ Congo Bill gets into trouble with evil Foreign Legion mutineers or the like, he rubs his magic ring, jumps into the body of the golden gorilla, and becomes Congorilla. With his enhanced strength and agility, he makes monkeys out of his enemies and protects the innocent. Of course, during the swap, Congo Bill has to be conveniently locked away or sedated, because, after all, he has the mind of a gorilla and he usually goes ape-shit.

The comic was quickly renamed “Congorilla,” and it ran in a variety of Superman titles on a regular basis up until 1961. Congorilla has turned up a few more times over the years and in the ’90s he had his own mini-series. So there’s hope for more gorilla / human swapping in our future.

Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 12 Comments »

Comic Buzz: Doctor Strange: The Oath

DOCTOR STRANGE: THE OATH
By Brian K. Vaughan and Marcos Martin

There are few writers who are worth your time. Even fewer who make you want to run out and buy everything with their name attached. In the world of comics only two names really get me reaching for my wallet: Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman. A third name is increasingly making demands on my hard-earned cash. Brian K. Vaughan first impressed me with his political superhero series “Ex Machina,” then knocked me off my feet with “Y: The Last Man,” which I rank up there with “The Watchmen,” “The Dark Knight Returns” and “The Sandman.” I hadn’t read any of his straight-ahead superhero stories, so I was definitely curious how he’d handle an established costumed hero.

“Doctor Strange: The Oath,” a five-issue series now collected in a trade paperback, gave me the perfect opportunity to find that out.

The story concerns a magical elixir that Doctor Strange needs in order to cure his faithful assistant Wong, who has an aggressive form of cancer. The elixir is stolen right out of the Sanctum Sanctorum (imagine that!) and Strange is shot in the process. Now, Strange and Wong, both at death’s door, must track down the potion and whoever’s behind the theft. Vaughan also weaves in much of Doctor Strange’s origin story, making “The Oath” a good introduction to the Sorcerer Supreme. As evidenced in “Y: The Last Man,” Vaughan is a master at characterization and entertaining dialogue. In “The Oath,” Vaughan lightens up the usually arrogant and aloof Doctor Strange — and makes him a charismatic and very human character. It’s an entertaining read, but this is BKV, so it’s smart, too. Marcos Martin’s art is dazzling, and is perfectly suited to the fantastic world of Doctor Strange. And I’m thinking, Why doesn’t Doctor Strange have his own series?

So, now I have more Brian K. Vaughan books to buy. I’ll be checking out more Doctor Strange stories, too. Maybe Marvel will be smart and start up a Doctor Strange series. Or maybe that’s already in the works…

Posted in Comic Books, Reviews | 5 Comments »

Lame Superhero of the Week: Cosmo

Real Name: Cosmo
First Appearance: Detective Comics #1 (1937)
Alias: Phantom of Disguise
Creator: Sven Elven
Lame Abilities: A gentleman adventurer, crime-fighter, master of disguise, and excellent piano player

Cosmo. Not a name that strikes fear into the hearts of evildoers. He’s British, too. Further making it difficult to strike fear into the hearts of evildoers. What Cosmo does do well is disguise himself and solve mysteries. As a master thespian and mimic, Cosmo can make you think he’s your own mother.

In “Detective Comics” #27 (1939), also notable for Batman’s debut, the Anglo-Saxon detective and aristocrat not only disguises himself as a Chinese man, but he does a great impersonation of a devout racist. Cosmo is asked to help the Immigration Department stop the “smuggling of Chinese to our shores.” He takes the assignment, saying, “Those Chinese are pretty slick customers.” But it seems the Phantom of Disguise is really the slick one. Cosmo enrolls at the Frisco School of Languages, where he masters Chinese in 30 days! He then disguises himself as a “Chinese” and soon infiltrates the Asian community, where he uses his newfound skills at the Chinese language. In his first attempt at befriending one of the foreigners, Cosmo approaches a “young Chinese” and says, “Velly nice day, fliend.” The young man answers the Phantom of Disguise, saying, in Chinese, of course: “Yes, velly nice.” Take that Berlitz! The young man is fooled by Cosmo’s mastery over the Chinese language!

It doesn’t take Cosmo long to weasel his way into the Chinese smuggling ring, and after he pledges his loyalty by saying, “Me no talkee, Kwan Joy Lo. You take me to good job, eh?” he is one step away from cracking the case.

Cosmo was created by writer-artist Sven Elven and debuted in “Detective Comics” #1 in 1937, a decade when, apparently, it was okay to be racist. It was also about two years before Batman’s debut and a year before Superman’s. So, technically, Cosmo isn’t a superhero. Though, technically, he isn’t a detective, either. Or even a hero. He was a snob and a racist, but one hell of a piano player. He was described as a gentleman detective, which meant he was British, educated, and pompous. He didn’t last long. His final appearance came in “Detective Comics #37,” only 10 issues after Batman’s first appearance. Think of Cosmo as Batman without the costume or the tolerance for foreigners.

Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 5 Comments »

Comic Buzz: The EC Archives: Tales From the Crypt

THE EC ARCHIVES: TALES FROM THE CRYPT VOL. 1
By Al Feldstein, Johnny Craig, Wally Wood, Graham Ingels

Superheroes were in decline. Comic book publishers lazily copied the popular trends of the moment. The Comics Code hadn’t yet sanitized funny books. It was 1949 and EC publisher Bill Gaines and editor Al Feldstein had a new idea: a line of horror comics based on such radio dramas as “Inner Sanctum” and “Lights Out.” Thus was born “Tales From the Crypt.” For five glorious and short years, comics were mature, bloody, and terror-ific.

While most publishers followed trends, EC started the New Trend. “Tales From the Crypt” made its debut in early 1950 (though it was titled “The Crypt of Terror” for the first three issues) and quickly acquired thousands of loyal readers. EC did something else new: they wrote mature, unsanitized stories, and as a result had a large adult readership. The wonderful thing about EC’s horror yarns was that there was no mercy, no reprieve for the characters. People died. Villains went unpunished. These were unusual themes for comics of the ’50s, especially when Superman and Batman were fast becoming square boy scouts. But the party ended too soon. Prudes like Dr. Fredric Wertham criticized EC comics’ gore and violence and proclivity toward featuring corpses rising from the grave. In 1954 Bill Gaines was called to testify before the Subcommittee to Investigate Juvenile Delinquency. The Comics Code Authority was soon formed. And then it was a no-no to depict the walking dead, vampires, ghouls, torture, cannibalism, and the like in comics. Pretty much all the good stuff. EC stopped publishing “Tales From the Crypt” in 1955. The world mourned. But like many of the horror comics’ anti-heroes, “Tales From the Crypt” didn’t let death slow it down. The comic influenced such horror mavens as Stephen King, Neil Gaiman, John Carpenter, and George Romero, and spawned several movies and a TV show. And, of course, it gave us the Crypt Keeper.

“Tales From the Crypt” has been resurrected yet again. And the corpse has been cleaned up real good this time. The horror comics, last available in a soft-cover collection about a decade ago, are being rolled out in beautiful hardcover volumes by Gemstone Publishing. Restored, re-colored and in a larger format, the EC comics never looked better. (more…)

Posted in Comic Books, Reviews | 3 Comments »

Lame Superhero of the Week: The Gay Ghost

Real Name: Keith Everet
First Appearance: Sensation Comics #1 (1942)
Aliases: The Ghost Who Walks, Earl of Strethmere, Charles Collins, The Ghost-Man
Creators: Gardner Fox, Howard Purcell
Lame Abilities: Can enter men’s body…without the use of lubrication, skilled with a sword, is light on his feet

Now for some cheap gay jokes… Perhaps when the word “gay” comes up you automatically start seeing innuendoes everywhere. But just a few panels into the Gay Ghost’s first appearance (in the very masculine “Sensation Comics,” home of Wonder Woman and Mr. Terrific) and you get a sense that maybe the name isn’t just a coincidence. Right off the bat, we’re told that the Gay Ghost’s adventures are “the queerest in all history.” Hmmm. The Gay Ghost, who is really the 18th century Earl of Strethmere of Ireland, is described as pretty and he’s killed as bandits steal his purse. Further hmmm. The Gay Ghost makes Tinky Winky and SpongeBob SquarePants look like raging macho men. Where was Jerry Falwell at the time? We’ll never know now. (Hmmm…I stroke my chin and wonder…Jerry Falwell dead? Gay Ghost revival? Someone call DC! I have a comic to write.)

But let’s back up and find out how pretty Keith Everet, the Earl of Strethmere, became a gay…sorry…the Gay Ghost.

As the Earl bestrides his stallion, on his way to ask the lovely Deborah Wallace for her hand in marriage, a gang of rogues sets him upon. The scallywags attempt to steal the earl’s purse. As he struggles with the scoundrels, he is shot, mortally. His spirit is lifted up to heavens, whereupon he is greeted by his ancestors. His caveman forbearer tells the late earl that his dead relations feel his pain and that he can return to the mortal plane if he vows to be an avenger for justice. But there’s a rub. He must wait for his love, Deborah Wallace, to return before he can begin his life anew. The problem is further complicated by the fact that when he returns to earth it is 80 years thence and Deborah is long dead. (more…)

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Comic Buzz: Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp #1

HELMET OF FATE: DETECTIVE CHIMP #1
By Bill Willingham and Shawn McManus

Anyone who knows me knows I can’t resist a comic-book chimp (read my last chimp comic-book review here). Nevertheless, I kept passing up “Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp #1″ on the shelf each week in favor of more “important” comics. This week I finally gave in.

Detective Chimp goes back to 1952, when he appeared in “The Adventures of Rex the Wonder Dog.” He is a super investigator on the level of Batman and wears a deerstalker and houndstooth coat as a nod to Sherlock Holmes. In this DC story, “The Case of the Massively Magical Monkey Mage” (one of five one-shot comics in the “Helmet of Fate” series), the simian investigator has been entrusted with Doctor Fate’s helmet until a new Doctor is found. He decides to let fate decide who ends up with the helmet, so he has Captain Marvel toss it into space. In the meantime, Detective Chimp is called in to investigate the murders of four superheroes. He gets sidetracked, however, when the helmet returns to Earth and knocks him on the head. That’s when Detective Chimp dons the helmet and becomes Doctor Fate…but not for long.

It’s a fun story. Can you really resist a chimp in a deerstalker and houndstooth jacket? But writer Bill Willingham doesn’t know whether to go all-out for laughs or play it serious. You’d expect a talking chimp detective story to be light, but there are many sober moments and dialogue. Like when Detective Chimp first wears the Doctor Fate helmet: “I realize that stars are sentient and dream epic dreams — from the glorious, soaring imaginings of red giants, to the sullen, greedy ponderings of black holes!” Not any yucks there. Too often you’re waiting for a punch line that never appears. I prefer little, talking chimps in funny hats to be, well, funny. Shawn McManus does a great job with the artwork, though, as he strikes a fine balance between the comical and the serious side of the story.

Despite its flaws, I enjoyed “Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp #1″ and now further believe that apes and comics are a perfect match. Now let’s see a Detective Chimp series. Just work on the funny, Willingham!

Posted in Comic Books, Reviews | No Comments »

Blogzarro Q&A: Comic Book Rocker Ray Wall

Ray Wall is single-handedly championing what he calls Comic Book Rock. He first burst on the scene with the “Fantastic Four Song” in 2005 and the song rivaled the actual “Fantastic Four” movie soundtrack on iTunes. He followed that up with the ambitious “X-Men Song: A Super-Hero Rock Opera,” which Wall describes as “a nine-minute state-of-the-art journey deep into X-Men territory which includes voice actors, choirs, multiple music styles, special effects, and more.” Now, the Wharton MBA is working on another FF song called “Silver Surfer Rises.” You can hear a clip on his MySpace page (his songs are also available on iTunes). In a Blogzarro exclusive, Ray announces another project, this one involving a certain web-slinger (see below for more details). And with Marvel announcing a Spider-Man musical, Ray Wall might find himself at the forefront of a thriving genre.

What is comic book rock?
Comic book rock is a new genre of music that we are trying to introduce and define. It’s an innovation that allows contemporary music to intersect with some of the more imaginative aspects of our popular entertainment culture. That means comic books, yes, but it also includes many of the fanship communities that center around science fiction, fantasy, video games, anime, and similar pursuits. All of these popular works have been successful in print, art, TV, and the movies. What I am saying is that comic books and these other things can also be expressed in music in a way that’s new and exciting to fans of all stripes. Comic book rock is real deal, fan-based, content-true music that talks about superheroes by name, their powers, what they do, their arch-enemies and so on. Generic songs about courage or novelty tunes that devote one line to Superman don’t qualify. At its best, and with time, comic book rock may become as grown-up and engaging as any other genre music out there. Combining music with superheroes can be a powerful and fun listening experience.

What spawned the idea for comic book rock?
Like many people these days, I’m a big fan of today’s state-of-the art superhero movies. But as the movies themselves were evolving and getting better I felt that the pop/rock soundtracks that accompanied them were getting worse. Having 15 otherwise fine bands on a superhero soundtrack that were playing music that had absolutely nothing to do with the movie seemed to me to be just an exercise in record label artist promotion and blunt economics rather than giving movie fans a way to enhance and prolong their experience of their favorite superheroes through music. In plain English, if I go to a Spider-Man movie, sing me a song about Spider-Man! Is this rocket science? After we put out “The Fantastic Four Song” in 2005 and especially “The X-Men Song: A Super-Hero Rock Opera” a year later, my hunch that people would be interested in comic book rock was confirmed. MySpace and iTunes were instrumental in giving this feedback. (more…)

Posted in Comic Books, Interviews, Music | 2 Comments »

Lame Superhero of the Week: Man-Thing

Real Name: Ted Sallis
First Appearance: Savage Tales #1 (1971)
Affiliations: Nexus of Realities, Legion of Monsters, Daydreamers
Creators: Roy Thomas, Gerry Conway, Gray Morrow
Lame Abilities: Oozing, secreting, leaking; has super mucus and the ability to sense human emotions, which are usually ones of disgust and confusion

Oozing is not a super power! No matter what that weird guy in the raincoat in the park told you. And vegetables do not make for great superheroes. Nontheless, we have Man-Thing, a slow-moving heap of vegetation who lives in the swamps of the Florida Everglades. He’s a lot like Swamp Thing (who made his debut in the same year) — except his name begins with the word “Man” and not “Swamp.” Oh, and he isn’t even half as cool.

Man-Thing began life as bio-chemist Ted Sallis, who injected himself with an experimental serum and then died in a magical swamp and blah blah blah became a super-oozing pile of muck. Though he’s one scary pile of sh*t, don’t get scared. The Man-Thing has the Touch of Fear, which means when he senses fear, he secretes a corrosive chemical that will give you one nasty burn. His catchphrase is…”Whatever knows fear burns at the touch of the Man-Thing!” If my man-thing was burning anything, or anyone, it touched, I’d get me some ointment, fast.

One good thing about Man-Thing is that he’s tasty (as evidenced in “Legion of Monsters #1″). Bet you can’t say the same for Batman.

Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 8 Comments »

Wonder Woman and the Phallic Menace

Do you think those old-timey comic book artists were trying to suggest something in all those Wonder Woman covers? Superman had Lex Luthor. Batman had the Joker. And Wonder Woman, well, her biggest nemesis was the Phallic Symbol. In the early days, the biggest threat to the Amazon (who made her debut in 1941) was an attack by a penis-shaped object. And somehow, month after month, she found herself straddling a rocket, bomb, or skyscraper. And why wouldn’t she? She was only a woman, after all, and rockets look so much like — well — you know. But the phallic fun didn’t end with rockets or torpedoes. The Wonder Woman artists could turn anything into a stand-in for the male genitalia — as when the Amazon princess is the meat in a skyscraper sandwich or when, only a few issues before, she mounts another skyscraper and seems to be rubbing its tip. They even made a damn shark look phallic! Either these guys were having a little perverted fun or they were subconsciously using Wonder Woman to work out their bomb-related sex fantasies. Either way, it made for some awesome comic book covers.

Click thumbnails for full-size photos.

Posted in Comic Books, Humor, Photos | 26 Comments »

Lame Superhero of the Week: The Whizzer

Real Name: Robert L. Frank
First Appearance: USA Comics #1 (1941)
Affiliations: Liberty Legion, The Invaders, All-Winners Squadron
Creators: Al Avison, Al Gabriele
Lame Abilities: Super speed

No, his super power wasn’t radioactive urine. And the fact that his costume was bright yellow didn’t help matters, either. A super-urinater probably would have been much cooler. Unfortunately the Whizzer’s super ability was much more common. He was just really fast. Kind of like that other fast superhero over at DC.

Of course, there’s a lame origin story to go along with this. Young Robert Frank was in the African bush with his dad, Dr. Emil Frank, when he was bitten by a cobra. A mongoose killed the snake but was severly injured in the battle. Dr. Frank, fearing the worst for his son and remembering an old wive’s tale, injected Robert with the mongoose’s blood (hey, if Peter Parker could get the powers of an arachnid by being bit by a radioactive spider…). The good doctor immediately died of a heart attack and Robert attained super speed! He returned to the United States, took the name Whizzer, dressed himself in a yellow costume with bizarre wings on his cowl, and began a life of crime fighting — which had nothing to do with peeing on bad guys. (I can’t emphasize that point enough.)

He went on to marry fellow superhero Miss America, and at one point believed he was the father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Luckily for them, they were not. However, unluckily for Nuklo, a radioactive mutant monster, he was the offspring of the Whizzer.

The original Whizzer lasted only six years. His last appearance came in “All Winners” #21 in 1947. He was resurrected in the ’70s, and then finally killed off. The mystery of whether or not he peed really fast, too, was never solved.

Posted in Comic Books, Lame Superheroes | 5 Comments »

The 20 Greatest Spider-Man Villains

Everyone loves a good villain and with Spider-Man there is so much to love. The web-slinger probably doesn’t appreciate it, but he has the most formidable, and coolest, enemies of any superhero. But some are cooler than others. Blogzarro is here to give you the best of the best.

	20. Chameleon The Chameleon was the first supervillain to face Spider-Man, way back in “Amazing Spider-Man #1″ (1963). He is a master of disguise and a spy. He is also the half-brother of Kraven.

	19. Mysterio Ol’ crystal ball head first appeared in “Amazing Spider-Man #13.” He has proven to be one of Spider-Man’s most elusive and persistent adversaries over the years. And like Doug Henning, he is a master of illusion.

	18. Morlun Morlun is one of Spider-Man’s more recent foes. Created by J. Michael Straczynski and John Romita Jr., Morlun is a descendent of a race called the Ancients who feed on “totem” people. He once tore out Spider-Man’s eye and ate it and then broke Mary Jane’s arm.

	17. The Burglar The man who killed Uncle Ben has never been officially named. The so-called Burglar, who taught us all that “with great power comes great responsibility,” is the one bad guy who has never stopped haunting Spidey and has caused the web-slinger more misery than any one else.

	16. Shocker Shocker is probably the coolest supervillain in a quilted costume. He wears a pair of gauntlets that shoot out concentrated blasts of air that vibrate at intense frequencies, and though one of Spidey’s more rationale foes, the web-slinger still taunts him by calling him Mr. Quilt-Man.

	15. Kraven Kraven was the greatest big game hunter in the world and he was bent on capturing the biggest game, namely Spider-Man. It took him 20 years, but he finally did it. After capturing Spider-Man, Kraven the Hunter committed suicide, since there wasn’t anything left for him to do.

	14. Vulture He might look like an old fogey in an fur collar, but the Vulture is a vicious enemy. Along with Electro, he once almost beat Spider-Man to death. Vulture, aka Adrian Toomes, first appeared in “Amazing Spider-Man #2″ (1963).

	13. Hobgoblin After the Green Goblin’s apparent death, Roderick Kingsley discovered Norman Osborn’s lair and thus was born the Hobgoblin. Though he was scarier looking than the Green Goblin, he wasn’t as powerful. Besides, Kingsley was a fashion designer, which is scary for different reasons.

	12. Electro Another early foe of Spider-Man’s, Electro was really Maxwell Dillon, an electric company worker with an inferiority complex. He is a founding member of the Sinister Six.

	11. Rhino The Rhino is one of Spider-Man’s most powerful foes, but he’s also one of the stupidest. You pretty much have to be to wear that get-up. The Rhino, who began life as a poor immigrant from Russia, likes to rob banks and ram his enemies.

	10. Scorpion The Scorpion is a result of J. Jonah Jameson’s madness. Jonah hired detective Mac Gargan to subject himself to an experiment that would endow him with the characteristics of a scorpion in order to defeat Spidey. The experiment worked, but Gargan went insane and turned on Jonah.

	9. J. Jonah Jameson No one has harassed Spider-Man more than Daily Bugle editor J. Jonah Jameson. Proving that the pen is mightier than the sword, Jameson has been a constant pain in the ass. His hatred and jealousy has even led him to hire villains to hunt down Spider-Man.

	8. Jackal The Jackal is another scientist gone mad. Obsessed with Gwen Stacy, Dr. Miles Warren combined his DNA with that of a jackal after her death. He later cloned Gwen and Spidey and even persuaded the Punisher to hunt down Spidey.

	7. Kingpin Don’t let his obesity fool you. The Kingpin is surprisingly agile. But it’s his intelligence as a criminal mastermind that makes him such a worthy foe. He recently put a hit on Spider-Man which resulted in Aunt May being shot by a sniper. That can’t go well for Kingpin.

	6. The Lizard In a fight between a spider and a lizard, you think the lizard would win. Either way, the Lizard has given Spider-Man a run for his money. The Lizard is really doctor Curt Connors, who ingested some experimental reptile serum much to his detriment.

	5. Carnage If Venom is a bad mother, Carnage is super-bad. Carnage is a combination of the Venom symbiote and serial killer Cletus Kasady. He’s not only stronger than Spider-Man; he’s also more powerful than Venom. Yikes!

	4. Sandman Sandman, whose real name is William Baker, has one of the more unusual super abilities. He can absorb sand and reconstitute in into his body. He likes to punch Spidey with his sledgehammer fists and create sandstorms. He also goes by the alias Flint Marko.

	3. Doctor Octopus Doctor Octopus, affectionately called Doc Ock, is one of Spider-Man’s oldest foes. The portly mad scientist’s mechanical tentacles have given Spidey plenty of trouble over the years.

	2. Green Goblin The Green Goblin ended the Silver Age of comics when he pushed Gwen Stacy off the Brooklyn Bridge in 1973. Spider-Man’s arch-nemesis in the late ’60s and early ‘70 was really the insane industrialist Norman Osborn.

	1. Venom Venom is one bad-looking baddie. He makes the Green Goblin look like Kermit the Frog. Venom is the result of a symbiote bonding with Eddie Brock, Peter Parker’s rival at the Daily Bugle. His comparable powers exceed Spider-Man’s, making him one tough adversary.

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