The Paranormal Activity Conspiracy
By James A. on October 26th, 2009
I am convinced there is a conspiracy involving the “Paranormal Activity” hype.
I heard all the raves and the hyperbolic statements, like ” ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the most terrifying movie you’ll ever see,” or some crazy thing along those lines. So Saturday I went to see the movie, which was reportedly made for $15,000. And what I saw did scare the hell out of me…because I realized that all the hype was complete bullshit — and if it was authentic, then the world is full of idiots who have no idea what a good movie is.
“Paranormal Activity” was the most boring, un-terrifying movie I ever sat through. The rest of the audience obviously felt the same, as halfway through, people began blatantly talking on cellphones or to each other, and no one cared — not even me, and I hate when people do that in a theater. It took thirty mind-numbing minutes or so for the first scary moment to occur: a bedroom door creeks. That’s followed by such terrifying moments as a loud bang, footsteps, an even louder bang. During one of the movie’s supposed “big moments,” the audience actually burst into laughter. After the movie, we all filed out of the theater feeling ripped off, with a number of people saying out loud what a horrible, worthless movie we had just sat through. If “Paranormal Activity” scared you at all, it is probably because you have never seen another horror movie in your life. Or you think ladybugs are scary.
“Paranormal Activity” is as exciting as watching people sleep. Why is that? Because most of the movie takes place as the terrorized couple — Katie and Micah — sleeps.
This movie, which felt like a cheap online student film, has been getting such insane Internet buzz that it came out of nowhere and landed at No. 1 at the box office over the past weekend. Really? Really? Come on, really? I have to applaud DreamWorks for mounting what must be one of the greatest marketing schemes in history — and obviously paying off plenty of reviewers and 12-year-olds to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook.
Don’t believe the hype: “Paranormal Activity” is a snooze fest. The Internet has lied to us again. (Save your money and instead rent “Drag Me to Hell.”)
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October 28th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Whatever happened to Caption This! ?
Superdickery has proven that comics (especially Silver Age) are comedy fodder for the next three years.
Your sincere friend,
The Charming Mr Sinister
October 28th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Also, I think PA was over-hyped as it seems to be the thin-line between cheap independant crap & the classic Blair Witch feel.
Eventually people catch onto this shit. Its obviously not real
You & Your Friends Are Dead.
Game Over.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
What happened with the Caption This, Mr. Sinister, is that I am a lazy man.
If you promise to caption the hell out of it, I’ll put up another one soon.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:27 am
This movie was a piece of shit…Thank god i didnt go see it in theaters, I saw it online! Fuck this shit..I was even HIGH when i saw this movie…I was fucken laughing lol…Its not scary at all, SO DONT WASTE UR MONEY ON THIS! TRUST ME, I WAS FADED AND I SAW IT, AND I DIDNT EVEN GET SCARED. BUT ITS ALL UP TO U.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:02 am
I really wish I had read this before I saw that boring ass piece of shit. Your thoughts are spot on with mine
November 18th, 2009 at 12:10 am
It wasn’t that bad. it wasn’t that good either… I’ve seen worse. I think the main scare factor, or what they were trying to do, was to make us believe it was real or based on something real.
It was creepy, at best.
November 30th, 2009 at 1:01 am
I’m really glad I came across this review. I had a feeling that this movie was all hype. I’m not saying a good movie can’t be made for under $20,000, but it’s not probable.
In my experience, movies with little publicity always turn out to be the best ones. Drag Me To Hell is a good example of a great horror movie with little publicity. Thanks for the review, you just saved me $8.
February 16th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
James,
I find it disheartening that you too disliked this film. As you may argue, yes it is a slow movie, but perhaps if you give me a second to explain as to possible why you didn’t enjoy it, you might get some closure on this ‘conspiracy’.
With this movie, it is EXTREMELY slow - most people think, ah gay, crap, shit whatever you want to call it. When in a movie thearte medium you will have many teenagers, ect going to see a movie like this - however, it is unfortunate that this movie is not meant for thei feeble “gorefest I want death now” perception on horror. Yes its slow, but if you focus on the film, and dont sit there doubting it, you will actually begin to feel as if you are part of it, you’re the fly on the wall watching what unfolds. The problem is, teenagers are incapable of doing this so they laugh and talk ect, and that is when the movie turns into a pile of dogshit - everything in a horror movie relies on atmopshere. If you are alone, watching a movie and you’re scared, you are 100% of the atmosphere, creating a fully scared atmosphere. When you’re in a theatre filled with small minds incapable of anything that isn’t instantly scary and gory, mocking the film and laughing, you will not feel that same hype.
The reason this film is so slow is because they tried their hardest for it to be boring, yes, thats the point, so it feels like reality. So when you’re at the end and all the shit starts to happen, it feels like its real, its happening and christ. I’d be more scared of a levitating blanket a demon, were the blanket real and the demon not. The problem with this film is, at no point at all did the director state that you need to get into a state of mind before watching this film. Teenagers saw “most horrifying” and so expected to just walk in, look at the screen and be completely mindfucked by the horror.
Hope this cleared things up a little for you,
Regards,
Chris
P.S watch it again, alone. Try to feel part of it, watch what happens
February 18th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
You are spot on.. It was a terrible movie. I wanted my 1 dollar back that I paid to rent it. If you thought that was scary then I’m not sure how you even made it into the theater. I figured the noise from the popcorn machine would have sent you into a full blown panic attack.
Just a straight up boring movie on all fronts.. I hope it ruins those actors careers!