Have you ever taken a wicked dump, checked out the bowl, and felt swelling pride? As you stand over the toilet, teary eyed, the dark, bold stench of your waste invading your nostrils, you feel like a parent whose child has just made the honor roll. You think about getting a bumper sticker that says, “I am the proud parent of a five-pound bowel movement that stunk up my house for three days.” This happens to me at least three times a week. My bowel movements are my greatest achievements. As they are flushed away, I salute them. “Godspeed, crap!”

A nice, dark, pile of your own feces can be quite impressive, a work of art. Of course, another person’s crap is plain disgusting. That’s why a parent can love an ugly child. Just like that ugly child that massive log in your toilet is your responsibility. You created that shit. You gave birth to that load of crap. If not for you, it would not exist. So, don’t be ashamed, take pride in your shit. Go out there a create a masterpiece of feces.