SARAH PALIN
A lot of people are worried about Sarah Palin’s readiness to be vice president. I’m worried about Todd Palin’s readiness to be the husband of a V.P. If my wife was the vice president I’d be going out of my mind…when the hell is she gonna have time to make my dinner?! And that was my sexist joke of the day. But it’s true…because I’m a lazy man, and I really would still expect my wife to make me dinner. I don’t care if you’re a heartbeat away from the presidency. The American people might have elected you, but I married you. John McCain would call: “Um, is Sarah there? I need her at the White House.” “Yeah, but she’s making me eggs right now. She’ll be there soon.” “There’s a situation with Russia!” “Breakfast is a really important meal, Mr. President. Can’t it wait?” And the world would end because I refuse to make my own food! That’s why we can’t have a female vice president. Because men are jerks. But, honestly, she’d still have to make me breakfast.

Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old pregnant daughter is making big news. What’s the big deal? The girl is from Alaska. What else is there to do in Alaska? Make snow angels and beat up Eskimos?

Many pundits are saying that politicians’ families should be “off-limits.” Apparently nobody told that to the young man who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter.

GEORGE BUSH
President Bush gave his speech at the Republican National Convention — 1,100 miles away via satellite. You have to feel bad for Bush. He’s like that kid on the playground with cooties.

Bush: “I heard you guys were having a convention or something.”

McCain: “Yeah, kinda. No big thing, really. Just some of us Republicans getting together. You wouldn’t want to go. It’s gonna be pretty boring.”

Bush: “Well, I like conventions.”

McCain: “You’re real busy running the country, right? We didn’t want to bother you. …Um, isn’t there a hurricane or something about to hit the Gulf Coast?”

Bush wasn’t the only high-profile Republican absent from the convention. Condoleezza Rice was sent on a tour of North Africa this week and Dick Cheney was dispatched to the Eastern European nation of Georgia. What are they going to do with these three after the election? Send them off to leper island?

It took Republicans a while to come around, but finally they agree with Democrats — Bush is a loser!

(11 votes, average: 8.18 out of 10)
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