I am not a homophobe. But for those of you who are — or think you might give the lifestyle a try when you get to college — I have compiled some activities you should avoid. They may seem innocuous but, brother, if you don’t watch it you could be sharing quality time with Lance Bass. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Eating bananas. What else needs to be said? You might as well be sucking cock. A rather large, delicious, potassium-filled cock. If you are a homophobe, refrain from eating or handling the big yellow fruit in any way. It only leads to fellatio.
Wiping your ass. Think about it. It’s no secret — the ass is second only to the cock in the homosexual pantheon of lovemaking. And it is my firm belief that ass-wiping is the “gateway drug” to man-on-man anal sex.
Praying. I would not advise prayer for any God-fearing homophobe. One, you’re on your knees: the so-called second position in man-on-man love. Two, you’re looking up to an omniscient, father type. Three, altar boys. It all adds up to “gay.”
Applying Chapstick. Next step, lipstick…then panties, a bra and fishnet stockings. Before you know it, you go from moist lips to lopping off your cock and calling yourself Tula. Real men, like cowboys and hobos, have dry, chapped lips.
Eating Boston creme donuts. Cream filling strongly resembles jizz. Do yourself a favor and stick with a manly coffee roll, and forget the napkin.
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