Live Every Day Like It’s Your Last? Yeah, Right!
By James Aquilone on September 5th, 2007
Have you ever heard this, the worst advice in history: Live every day like it’s your last? Imagine that. I know that if I lived every day like it was my last, it wouldn’t last more than one day.
Here’s my itinerary for the last day of my life:
- Wake up.
- Quit my job.
- Confess to crimes I didn’t commit. “Oh, that unsolved double murder in the park last summer? That was me.”
- Eat four dozen Boston creme donuts.
- Vomit.
- Eat another four dozen Boston creme donuts.
- Empty out my bank account. Buy as much porn as I can afford. Watch all the porn.
- Burn all my credit card bills.
- Head over to the White House. Urinate on President Bush.
- Kill some people I don’t like.
- Write my will. Nah, screw that. Let relatives fight battle-royale style for my possessions.
- Finally try one of those hot dogs at 7-Eleven. What would I have to lose at this point?
- Wait for the authorities to pick me up. Or wait to die. Whatever comes first.
The moral: If you have only one day left to live, take advantage of it.
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September 5th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
You are valuable asset! I shall take heed of your words!
The Bizarros hate you very little!
September 5th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
rotflmao.
Now that sounds like a pretty good day, if a little violent for my tastes. I’ll skip the drive to LA, and just find some hotties on the ASU campus. (Can’t rape the willing.)
September 5th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
JAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAAJ
Just Genius man.
Step 13 definitely the best.
Keep up the good work.
Regards from Argentina (yeah, you’re international now congratulations
)
September 5th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
[Regards from Argentina (yeah, you're international now congratulations
)]
Next stop — intergalactic!
September 5th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
Nice choices, but for Bush. I’d force him to watch me repeatedly rape his daughters, then I’d kill him. He’s not worth the piss.
September 5th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
@ Bob
There are just so many rapings you can do in a day. I wouldn’t waste mine on the Bush daughters.
September 5th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
You may get tired after the “watch all the porn part” maybe too tired to rape Alba and Johannson so many times..
September 6th, 2007 at 10:54 am
This was the funny post I have read all day
September 6th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Wait… why would you need all that porn if you were raping celebrities? Just rape them some more! Maybe… feed them some Boston Cremes while at the same time, raping them even more.
September 7th, 2007 at 8:11 am
But what happens after you die?…:)
September 8th, 2007 at 3:10 am
[Wait… why would you need all that porn if you were raping celebrities? Just rape them some more!]
Just like donuts, there is always room for porn.
September 8th, 2007 at 3:11 am
[Funner Says
But what happens after you die?…:) ]
After I die, I’ll rape Marilyn Monroe and Anna Nicole Smith, of course.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:50 am
You are a disgusting individual. Whether this is humor or has some seed of truth, talking about raping women is NOT ok, ever. You have no sense of decency and no respect for women. I hope for the sake of any woman who could be blind enough to get involved with you that she sees you for the disrespectful fucked up individual that you are.
September 10th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
@Erin:
Welcome to the internet. Enjoy your stay..
September 10th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
“Lmao..” 1
“Erin” 0
Internet > All
September 11th, 2007 at 2:16 am
Tried something like this once, You know, the credit card companies have no sense of humor when you try to explain that you were living life like it was your last day.
September 11th, 2007 at 5:02 am
I’d do everything that you did – but better.
September 25th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
If you read “The walking dead” you’d noticed they mentiond that they do live every day like it’s thier last, and it’s not as good as it sounds… (zombies and all)
Great post all the same.
Regards from Israel.
September 30th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
[...] Great post by Blogzarro about living every day likes its your last. [...]
October 12th, 2007 at 5:46 am
I would spend the day with my wife and daughter, enjoying their love and company. I would laugh with friends that stop by, play a game of poker on the net. I would speculate what is going to become of this country, this planet. I would write a letter, donate money, share my thoughts with others. I’d light up, sit back, and listen quietly for the coyotes howl.
Oh, that’s what I do everyday anyway.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:13 am
I mean, didn’t Bill Murray try this?
In the end I think you’re almost forced to be nice to everyone and save the planet.
Sorry about that, but I think the hippies, Jesus et al were right.
Only thing I don’t get is if God, or whoever, is eternal, why doesn’t He just save everyone?
I mean, how can He just watch all those babies die?
It must be a helluva Groundhog Day for Him – whaddisee stoopid???
September 1st, 2008 at 1:34 am
yo wtf i’d rape michael jackson then make him eat my donuts
October 17th, 2010 at 1:50 am
So, wait. You let Erin guilt you into deleting the rape comment I never got to read? Pussy.
And for the record, I do believe murder (which you didn’t delete) is a more serious crime than rape. I guess some people hate rape so much more because they get uptight over anything sexual, while pure violence looks so cool on TV.
June 28th, 2011 at 11:07 am
I think if the list includes the things that you would really want to do if this is your last day, then please go ahead and do it. But it would prove that you are actually more animal than human.
November 17th, 2011 at 12:18 pm
so what if you died early while you were watching porn, wouldn’t that be imbarassing for the cops to tell your family that you died watching porn. well why would you do mostly bad things before you die, knowing your going to be judged on your life afterwards? those last few things could just be the icing on the cake and a send you on a one way trip with no ice water. If i only had one day i’d go to every kind of church possible and pray that i don’t go to hell for all the bad things i did the day before, and i’d also try to do like a whole bunch of random good deeds for homless people and orphans. then i would go put on my coolest clothes and lay in a cool position and wait to die. so when some one does find my dead body they can say i was awsome. but you should just do all the bad things a few days a head of time so you can have time to make up for everything you just did.
December 11th, 2011 at 12:26 pm
@jesus christ
Mind if I join you in the past? I’m a girl btw.
RIP Michael Jackson <3
January 10th, 2012 at 9:31 pm
That’s not anyone’s last day, lol. That’s just an idiot’s venting who doesn’t see the bigger picture. I know 100% that even if you WERE living your last day, you wouldn’t have the balls to do half that shit. Nuff said.