I want to talk about parking.

Fire hydrants are a big scam. If you park too close to one in New York City, it’ll cost $115. I’m not saying fire hydrants don’t come in handy — when there’s a fire. But if I park my car in front of a hydrant, and there’s no burning building in the vicinity — which is usually the case — what the hell’s the harm? Of the thousand times I’ve parked my car in front of fire hydrants, I have interfered in a total of zero fires. It’s a perfectly good parking spot. And if my car ever caught fire? Well, there’s a hydrant right there. But I respect the logic in keeping the hydrant clear in case there’s a fire. So I say, if there is a fire, then give me the damn ticket. That’s fair. If anyone dies as a result of my parking choice, double it. I’ll admit when I’m wrong.

I’m also against handicap parking.

These spots are always available. Think about that. Why aren’t handicap people parking there? Because they’re handicapped. They’re not driving around. They have enough trouble being handicapped. Stephen Hawking isn’t driving over to his local Laundromat to clean his clothes. He’s sitting at home talking like a robot, while I’m driving around looking for a parking spot.

And why do we give special parking privileges to handicapped people when so many other afflicted people are left out in the cold? I’m emotionally crippled — that ought to be worth a damn parking space. Let’s take this a step further. You have a small cock? My friend, you can cut the line at the grocery store. Have bad acne? Give the poor bastard a seat on the subway. You’re a man with breasts? Give him a complimentary order of onion rings at Burger King. Ugly? Stupid? Short? Bald? Bad teeth? Shitty life? Let these poor fucks park their cars wherever they want. You’re a handicapped, black, albino midget with a speech impediment? Sir, you can take your car right into the produce aisle. Your wife is cheating on you? They should valet park your car wherever you go. If she’s fucking your brother, they should wax the car, too. Let’s stop playing favorites.