The Greatest Movies I’ve Never Seen
By James A. on June 26th, 2007
The American Film Institute recently released its new list of the 100 greatest movies of all time. It turns out that I’ve seen 83 of these so-called great movies (for you math whizzes, that’s 83%). So, why the hell haven’t I seen those other 17 movies? It’s not like I’m doing anything special. And since the AFI says these are the greatest movies of all time, I guess I’m really missing out. Here are the 17 greatest movies I have never seen and the reasons why I haven’t seen them (AFI rank at left).
7. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA | Too freakin’ long.
11. CITY LIGHTS | There’s just so many silent films a person can tolerate in his lifetime, and I filled my quota.
18. THE GENERAL | Silent. Comedy. Sounds like mime to me. Next!
26. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON | It’s the 21st century. This rah-rah-rah Jimmy Stewart feel-good, sappy crap just pisses me off.
28. ALL ABOUT EVE | The only men who enjoy this film wear eyeliner and tweeze their eyebrows.
29. DOUBLE INDEMNITY | I would like to see this, but I always wanted to read the book first. And I haven’t read the book, so…
44. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY | Katherine Hepburn gives me the creeps.
46. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT | Yeah, but it ain’t happening tonight. Romantic comedies aren’t my cup of tea and romantic comedies from the ’30s are even less so.
49. INTOLERANCE | A 163-minute silent movie by the director of “Birth of a Nation”? I could watch “Highlander” and half of “Flash Gordon” in that time. I’ll pass.
59. NASHVILLE | Nashville is the capital of country music. I hate country music. Therefore, I’ve stayed away from this movie.
61. SULLIVAN’S TRAVELS | Don’t know anything about it. Don’t care.
63. CABARET | Why won’t I see this movie? One word: Joel Gay
65. THE AFRICAN QUEEN | Didn’t I already tell ya? Katherine Hepburn gives me the creeps.
67. WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? | It’s a movie about a married couple that fights a lot. I need to see a movie about this? (By the way, I’m married.)
68. UNFORGIVEN | This movie I should have seen. In fact, I have the DVD somewhere, along with 216 other DVDs that I haven’t seen yet either.
82. SUNRISE | Never heard of it.
90. SWING TIME | A Fred Astaire - Ginger Rogers musical? I cannot fathom any reason — other than being kidnapped and strapped to a chair with my eyelids forced open while someone lubricates my eyeballs — why I would ever watch this movie.
THESE ARE THE MOVIES ON AFI’S LIST THAT I WISH I HAD NOT SEEN
For the record, I did not see any of these movies willingly. Some woman in each case was involved in me viewing the following…
20. IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE | More Jimmy Stewart - Frank Capra bullshit. Life is not wonderful, Jimmy.
40. THE SOUND OF MUSIC | Is it just me or does this movie seem like it runs for two whole days?
51. WEST SIDE STORY | The only thing gayer than this movie is two guys in tiaras making out.
83. TITANIC | I was rooting for the iceberg.
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June 26th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Out of your 17, I’ve seen I think 3 of them. The rest I haven’t seen for the same reasons as you pretty much (must be our similar upbringing). I had to read Virginia Woolf in school, so no thanks.
June 27th, 2007 at 12:16 am
I haven’t seen any of these movies. And I don’t plan to.
June 27th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
I agree with most of your list, but you are missing out on watching Unforgiven (if that is the Clint Eastwood one).
It’s a cool guy movie.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
True, Katherine Hepburn can be a little creepy, but The Philadelphia Story is great and there are a couple of other powerhouse actors in there so you won’t overdose on her. Lawrence of Arabia really is too long; I actually thought it could have ended after the first DVD but then there was a whole second DVD with two more hours.
June 29th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
every one of my reasons would have been “meh.” It is the all-purpose word for unwanting, disreguard, or distress. Try it out, it is great. “Want to see this movie?”
“Meh…”
June 29th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
“Meh…”
I tried it. It felt good!
July 1st, 2007 at 10:45 pm
It should be mentioned that It Happened One Night, though being the movie that destroyed the undershirt business overnight, is a truly and spectacularly awful film. There’s almost no description to state just how bad.
July 3rd, 2007 at 11:44 pm
HEY—Do NOT knock the sound of music…it IS one of the BEST movies of all time. I could watch that movie over and over and never get tired of it. I always wanted to solve a problem like Maria….and know the hills were alive with the sound of music… It’s just my 2 cents
July 4th, 2007 at 12:32 am
You sound like someone else I know with a unnatural love of Sound of Music. It must be a woman thing.