The Bizarre, The Bad & The Bawdy Names of Baseball
By James A. on June 14th, 2007
There have been many dicks in the annals of baseball. I’m not talking about Ty Cobb or Barry Bonds. I’m talking Dick Cox and Dick Manville. Dick Hoover and Dick Pole. To date, 131 Dicks have taken the field as part of Major League Baseball (not including dicks of the lowercase variety). But there’s also been at least one Kuntz. One Boozer. And one Putz. The history of bizarre, bawdy and just plain bad baseball names is long and fascinating. This is a tribute to those men who lost out in the lottery of baseball names. (This is also a chance to laugh at them.)
KUNTZ AND RANDYS
RUSTY KUNTZ Kuntz had a .236 lifetime batting average — seems his bat was rusty, too. Good ol’ Rusty. I cherish my Rusty Kuntz baseball cards more than anything. They’re worth about a nickel apiece, but the joy I got out of seeing the name “Rusty Kuntz” is priceless. He inspired this list and my fascination for bad baseball names. Thanks, Kuntz!
RANDY JOHNSON It sounds like a nice enough name — but, upon further inspection, you’ll discover it is the filthiest name in baseball history. Let’s do the math. Randy = horny. As in “Do I make you randy?” Johnson = penis. As in “My johnson itches in this jock!” That makes Randy Johnson a double threat and just another way of saying “horny penis.” Maybe it’s not a coincidence that his nickname is the Big Unit, which, again, is just another way of saying “horny penis.” (Note: To be fair, there have been three Randy Johnsons in the history of baseball. The other two were position players in the early ’80s.)
RANDY BUSH Just as Superman has Bizarro, Randy Johnson has Randy Bush. Unfortunately, the baseball gods never saw fit to have these two double sexual innuendoes face each other. Outfielder Randy B. was in the American League while pitcher Randy J. was in the National, so the world never got to see what would happen if a randy bush squared off against a randy johnson. We know who’d win this one, though, don’t we fellas?
A GAYLORD, A BOOZER, A PUTZ
GAYLORD PERRY Truly one of my all-time favorite baseball names. He was not only named Gaylord. And Perry. He was famous for spitting on his balls. Gaylord Perry has the gayest name since the late 19th century infielder Pussyfoot Hymen. But Pussyfoot isn’t in the Hall of Fame, is he?
TIM SPOONEYBARGER His name doesn’t have any sexual connotation. It’s just freakin’ stupid. Say it out loud. Spooney-barger! Now, try not to laugh. Spooneybarger hasn’t played in the big leagues since 2003. Maybe he’d do better as an H.R. Pufnstuf character.
JUNG BONG Sounds like a character in a Cheech and Chong movie. If the Korean pitcher was about 30 years older, we could have seen a match up with this guy…
JOHN BOOZER It’s one of those match-ups baseball fan dream about…Bob Gibson vs. Nolan Ryan…Roger Clemens vs. Sandy Koufax…but wouldn’t you rather see the outcome of Boozer vs. Bong? It would answer a lot of questions, wouldn’t it?
J.J. PUTZ It’s a pretty bad name. But when you learn what his parents really wanted to name him, you realize he got lucky. I mean, would Topps even print a baseball card with the name Pussyfart McQueef?
DOE BOYLAND I just like this one because it sounds like the name of Michael Jackson’s next estate.
COCO CRISP Mmmm…Coco Crisp
A PARADE OF DICKS
Here are more baseball players named after male anatomy:
JOHNNY DICKSHOT The wonderful thing about this name is that it can be read two ways — both equally offensive. Dicks-hot or Dick-shot. That’s versatility. Johnny also called himself the “ugliest man in baseball.” His dick couldn’t have been too pretty either.
PETE LaCOCK This is a French name, which translates, literally, to Pete The Dick.
DICK HOOVER As fate would have it (cheap joke in…1…2…3…) Dick Hoover sucked. Career stats: 0-0 W-L, 4.7 IP, 7.71 ERA. Oddly, this was also Paris Hilton’s nickname on her prison softball team.
DICK LITTLEFIELD Dick. Little. In the same name? Oh, no, no. Not surprisingly, in a nine-season career, pitcher Dick Littlefield never had a winning record. Size does matter.
DICK COX Legend has is that he was such a dick they named him twice.
DICK BURNS In his sophomore season in 1884, Dick won 23 games. The next season, he pitched three innings and never played professional ball again. If only he had some ointment. Sounds bad, don’t it? But not as bad as this guy…
DICK GREEN Dick was also green when it came to hitting. He finished two different seasons with a batting average under .200. But at least he never had that burning sensation.
DICK WANTZ …I could only imagine. He didn’t get a long career in baseball. He pitched only one inning for the 1965 Angels.
DICK LANE He’s most famous for being the punch line to the joke: What’s around the corner from Ass Place?…
DICK HUNT This was also the name of a 1979 porno flick based on “Sea Hunt.”
DICK POLE I got nothing. But do I really need it?
DICK MANVILLE The most masculine name ever…since Cock Knocker?
DICKIE FLOWERS The most un-masculine name ever…since Pussyfart McQueef?
DICK FOWLER The most disturbing name ever?
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June 14th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
You forgot B.J. Upton
June 14th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Seriously. What did these parents think when they were naming their kids. Pete LaCock. They all sound like made up names. But thats noth case. But with a last name like Littlefield…don’t name your son Richard. But you know, all those guys can walk into a room and somebody could say their name out loud and everybody would laugh. Most comedians can’t do that. If I had a son, I would make him Greek so I can call him Don Keypenis. And make the key more like a keh sound. And people would look at it and I would say, he’s greek. And if I had a girl I would name her Furry Merkin Edlestein. It just seems to fit and roll off the tounge.
June 14th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Wow, someone has some free time on their hands…
June 14th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
You got me laughing with that stuff.
Funny stuff.
Recommended!
jenny
http://www.spaml.com
June 14th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
As a Brit, I have to say the first time I heard commentators talking about Albert Pujols I almost fell off the couch.
June 14th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
It’s a not a specific name, but it was funny seeing the pitching line up of a Toronto Blue Jays vs NY Yankees game 2 seasons ago:
Bush vs Wang
June 14th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
two things: you missed bobby cox and hal-9000, it would be better to name your daughter dawn keypenis.
June 14th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
How the fuck do you not include Dickie Thon?
June 14th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
@Dickie Thon
I had Dickie on there, but he got cut at the last minute. I thought I had enough Dick names. There are a ton of them, you know.
June 14th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
How could you forget Dickie Thon?
http://www.homeruncards.com/imagesplayers/thon.jpg
June 14th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
What about Milton Bradley or Boof Bonser?
June 14th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
You should add Dick Sharon
I believe he played in the 80’s
June 14th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
What About Milton Bradley? Nothing like sharing a name with a brand.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
I know it’s not Baseball related, but if my last name was ‘Trickle’ and my first name was ‘Richard,’ I would certainly not want to be known as ‘Dick.’
June 14th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
PUJOLS!!!!!!!
June 14th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
How about Pujols (classic), Howard Johnson and Coco Crisp?
June 14th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
I don’t understand why anyone would want to go by the name Dick. But it takes all types.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Stubby Clapp
top that!
June 14th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
I was checking the league stats in a golf course clubhouse one day when I saw this last name first listing:
Short, Dick
June 14th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
The best was when Jung Bong was on the same team as Brandon Puffer…
Now that’s a match made in Cheech and Chong heaven.
June 14th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
What about Phil McKracken (fill my crack in).
June 14th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
What About Razor Shines? 1B who had a cup of coffee with the Expos in the mid-80′S
June 14th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
How about Razor Shines?
June 14th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
@Jon
I don’t know if you actually knew it, but Dick Trickle is a well-known NASCAR driver. It’d be pretty funny if you happened to just have come up with it.
June 14th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Dick Trickle isn’t just a bad name — it’s a bad race car driver name, too. Trickle? He should change his name to Dick Blaster!
June 14th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
what about Bob Boone.
June 14th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
I knew a guy who was heavy set whose name was Buddy Ball
June 14th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
You left out the players Dickie Thong and Dick Pound.
June 14th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Now, if his name really was Dickie Thong, he’d be at the top of the list.
June 14th, 2007 at 8:40 pm
Dick Tapper is a urologist in Toledo Ohio - for real. Ain’t no toppin that!
June 15th, 2007 at 7:09 am
“Bumsuk” is not an uncommon name in Korea… maybe someday the MLB will feature a pitcher by that name.
June 15th, 2007 at 7:23 am
Had a landlord in the 80’s named Dick Skinner. Still cracks me up.
June 15th, 2007 at 8:34 am
Ha, when I showed my friend my Rusty Kuntz card in 7th grade, he started asking all the girls in our class: “Do you collect baseball cards?” And when they invariably said no, he would say: “Well if you did you might have Rusty Kuntz.” Ah, Jr. High memories.
June 15th, 2007 at 8:57 am
[...] See: The Bizarre, The Bad, The Bawdy Baseball Names Bookmark to: [...]
June 15th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
You need ex Jays manager Bobby Cox on there!
June 15th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
What about the twins pitcher from Australia:
Grant Balfor
He tried to tell us that it was pronounced “Bel-fer” but considering the length of his tenure in the majors I think we can all call him “Ball-Four”
June 16th, 2007 at 1:47 am
This could go on forever, football Dick Butkis
Nice thread
June 16th, 2007 at 1:51 am
sorry for Guy Bush and Homer Bush
June 16th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Pete LaCock is actually the son of the original Hollywood Squares host, Peter Marshall. If anyone cares.
June 16th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Hey, Bobby, that’s an awesome piece of info.
It turns out that Peter Marshall was actually born Ralph Pierre LaCock. I wonder what Paul Lynde had to say about that?
June 17th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Ha cool I used to know a girl named boozer I always thought it was a weird name for someone who was going to be valedictorian. But she could drink right with the best of us.
June 22nd, 2007 at 5:26 pm
I knew a girl in middle school named Sarah Weiner. Was going through the directory one day and realized her dad’s name was Harry Weiner. That name shall live in immortality forever…
August 8th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
I went to school with a kid with the name B.J. Morehead. If that kid wasn’t cursed…
October 3rd, 2007 at 1:31 pm
[...] read more | digg story [...]
January 7th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Rusty Kuntzs? what did his friends in school call him? Hilarous
January 13th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
[...] Here’s another nice list for your reference. And one more - here. And a very good one - here. [...]
February 14th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I love these names. I actually have a neighbor names Dick Littlefield. One of my favorite baseball names is Boog Powell.
March 27th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I used to work in a ski-rental place, and one of our regular customers was named “Ariel Shitman”… Poor kid…
Also, my girlfriend swears that at work the other day she dealt with a woman named Mrs. Penisorama
Classic!
April 4th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
2 I like..catcher for Braves in 80’s-Bruce Benadict…
another is an ESPN announcer,use to do nascar-Jack Arute
April 7th, 2008 at 8:04 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
April 12th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
mickey klutts SS.
best ever, aside from rusty kuntz.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Jimmy Gobble, KC Royals
June 9th, 2008 at 2:30 am
kuntz is pronounced “koontz.”
sorry to ruin the fun.
September 11th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Pete La Cock was the son of Peter
Marshall, host of the long-running game show “The Hollywood Squares”
At least Pete Sr. had the good sense
to change his name.
September 11th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
There had to be a Dick Long in the big leagues at some point.There is a prominent manager of Rock bands named Rod Smallwood.
February 1st, 2009 at 12:48 am
Imagining… Dick Wantz..
Yearbook..
Students..
Wantz, Dick. ROFL
February 24th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
1971 Washington Senators pitcher Dick Such. Priceless
February 24th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
By the way–the guys was even on a 1971 topps card.
March 15th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Tony Armas
Toe
Knee
Arm
Ass
July 7th, 2009 at 1:01 am
Cannonball Titcomb is a great name.
Bumpus Jones is who I named my blog after. He is the first pitcher to throw a no-hitter in his first appearance.
Then there are the bad pitcher names like Bob Walk, Kevin Slowey, previously mentioned Grant Balfour, etc.
October 13th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
[...] and Down-right Aweful Baseball Names In light of the MLB playoffs, check this out: The Bizarre, The Bad & The Bawdy Names of Baseball It’s NOT vulgar but it might raise an eyebrow or 2… Rusty Kuntz? lol __________________ Randy L [...]