| Pirates of the Caribbean” has proven that amusement rides can be turned into great movies. “Haunted Mansion” has proven that amusement rides can be turned into horrible movies. But let’s not stop here. Hollywood has barely scratched the surface exploiting theme park rides. These are my ideas for the next batch of amusement-rides-turned-Hollywood-blockbusters (send royalty checks to Blogzarro). |
| The Cyclone: The Movie
TAGLINE: Weather. One man is finally doing something about it. |
| The Buccaneer: Curse of the Nachos
A crew of pirates with weak stomachs must endure extremely choppy seas after eating cursed nachos with cheese. Starring Steve Buscemi as Capt. Queasy. TAGLINE: Just when you thought it was safe to eat Mexican food and go back in the water! |
| Bumper Cars: Alabama Drift
TAGLINE: Dude, did you just f—ing bump me? |
| River Rapids: All Wet
A scientific expedition travels down the white water rapids of the Mississippi river in search of Indian gold. Starring Jessica Alba, a raft, and a very thin Hanes T-Shirt. TAGLINE: Get soaked with Jessica Alba! |
| Superman: The Ride: The Movie
TAGLINE: You’ll believe death is right around the corner. |
| Space Mountain
A team of thrill seekers attempts to climb the tallest mountain on Mars, Olympus Mons. But team leader Rick Wolf (Vin Diesel), a troubled former astronaut with a dark past, has other plans. He’s searching for a shipment of lost Martian gold. But the martians who live inside the mountain might have something to say about that. TAGLINE: In space no one can hear you plummet 20,000 feet to your death. |
| It’s a Small World
TAGLINE: The world is small. But the problems are bigger than ever. |
| Tilt-a-Whirl: The Movie
Terrorists are blowing up the Earth’s tectonic plates, causing massive jostling and dizziness, not to mention the massive earthquakes. A team led by Shane Armstrong (Keanu Reeves) must follow the trail of destruction to stop the madmen before they rip the planet apart and give everyone a bad migraine. But can Armstrong, an alcoholic explosives expert with a dark past, stop them in time? And will his vertigo act up at just the wrong moment? TAGLINE: If you’re dizzy, the terrorists are winning! |
After losing his partner in a freak rainstorm, a genius meteorologist with a dark past, played by Bruce Willis, gets the only work he can — as the operator of the world famous Cyclone roller-coaster. When a category 5 cyclone threatens to destroy Coney Island, Brooklyn, he gets a chance to redeem himself. But can he overcome his guilt over the death of his partner? And can he trust the carny folk whom he needs to stop the cyclone?
Ashton Kutcher and Johnny Knoxville are in for the ride of their lives as they enter the world of illegal bumper car street racing. Kutcher plays Sonny Johnson Junior, whose brother was mysteriously killed in a head-on bumper car collision. Sonny must infiltrate the seedy underworld of bumper cars to learn what really happened to his big brother. Johnny Knoxville is Horace McTaggart, the megalomaniacal king of bumper cars who’s holding a deadly secret.
It’s just like any other Superman movie, except you have to wait two hours on line before entering the theater; you sit upside down, strapped to a really uncomfortable shoulder harness while the guy behind you screams, “Wooooo!” the whole time; and it lasts only 45 seconds (though only eight seconds are any good).
A freak accident reduces everyone on the planet to one-eight his or her size — except one man with a dark past and a deep-seated hatred for that damn monotonous song “It’s a Small World.” Starring Peter Dinklage as Giant. Soundtrack by Marilyn Manson.
I think the Space Mountain one actually has potential. No, seriously.
If I see any movie remotely like these in theaters, I’m suing!
The Sidewinder and Viper… Roller costers in the sun
Agreed, Space Mountain could be a hit. I bet someone has already pitched it tho :).
I wanna know if all these characters’ “dark secrets” are the same.