101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
By James A. on May 12th, 2007
The man who says “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. George would say that’s irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of the funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…
- I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
- A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
- Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
- I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
- I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
- You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
- If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
- Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
- There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
- The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
- The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
- Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
- If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
- If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
- You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
- Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
- Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
- As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
- If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
- The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
- I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
- You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
- By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
- I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
- Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
- I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
- I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
- I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
- So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
- Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
- Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
- I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
- Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
- Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
- God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
- I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
- One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
- If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
- What year did Jesus think it was?
- George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
- Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
- In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
- Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
- “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
- No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
- Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
- The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
- The future will soon be a thing of the past.
- The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
- The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
- Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
- The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
- Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
- “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
- Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
- And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
- Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
- Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
- I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
- Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
- The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
- “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
- Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- “No comment” is a comment.
- If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
- You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
- Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
- So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
- Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
- Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
- When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
- The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
- I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
- If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
- Hooray for most things!
- Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
- I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- Life is a zero sum game.
- Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
- I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
- It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
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May 12th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes The man who thinks “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. Here are 101 of his greatest quotes.[celebrity] [news] [entertainment] [...]
May 12th, 2007 at 7:23 pm
fourth sense .. genius.
May 12th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
[...] Another important holiday almost missed: May 12th is George Carlin’s 70th Birthday. Some blogger picked out his 101 Favorite Carlin Quotes in an obvious (and successful) attempt to get on Digg.com. Well, I don’t think all of the quotes he picked are really Ol’ George’s absolute best. I could do research and get 101 Quotes of my own, but it’s Saturday, his birthday’s half over, Digg has committed itself to the first list and I’m lazy. Therefore, I’ll just pull out my own Top 20 out of Blogzarro Guy’s 101. Now let’s make one thing clear: these are NOT my pick of his funniest quotes ever, just my favorites from somebody else’s list. My mileage may vary. And yes, I am not, and have never been as fearless as George Carlin, so there will be some self-censorship. I apologize only directly to George. [...]
May 12th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes Filed under: Uncategorized — recar @ 12:00 am 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes The man who thinks “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. Here are 101 of his greatest quotes.[celebrity] [news] [entertainment] [...]
May 12th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
What a list
Wonder what else could be added to it ?
Not much
May 12th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
[...] original site here [...]
May 12th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
[...] My favorite quote form here: Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft. Viva La Carlin! [...]
May 12th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
[...] Happy B-day George! [...]
May 12th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I think that’s Steven Wright, not Carlin.
May 12th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
[...] more quotes [...]
May 12th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Hilarious stuff.
May 12th, 2007 at 11:52 pm
My fav. is “Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music”
May 13th, 2007 at 12:52 am
[...] “The man who thinks ‘life is worth losing’ turns 70 today. Here are 101 of his greatest quotes.” read more | digg story [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 1:05 am
[...] Of this list of 101 of his one-liners, these are my favorites: Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. [link] [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 1:42 am
[...] So, in the spirit of something completely different, here is a list of his 101 best lines. [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 2:30 am
So if Meow is Woof in cat, how does a cat say “Mooooooooooo?”
George, you’re a god.
May 13th, 2007 at 2:40 am
[...] http://blogzarro.com/?p=226?fk SocializeThese icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages. [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 2:41 am
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
May 13th, 2007 at 5:38 am
George Carlin - A NATIONAL TREASURE !!!
He may piss some people off, but he makes most people ( except perhaps anal - retentive Right - Wing Wing Nuts & Moral Majority types ) think, which is one of the BEST kinds of comedy.
HAPPY 71st, Keep ‘em comin’.
( Not to late to wish him a Happy Birthday….. )
May 13th, 2007 at 5:43 am
[...] Posted by almax on May 13th, 2007 The American stand-up comedian, George Carlin, was 70 yesterday. To celebrate, the web-site ‘Blogzarro’ published a list of George’s 101 best one-liners. I’ve condensed it a bit further to bring you the very best dozen on the list - [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 6:57 am
Point 30 is just gold.
May 13th, 2007 at 7:09 am
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 8:58 am
George Carlin was and still is, a favorite of mine. He raises conscience levels with his wit and biting humor. Thank you so much for honoring him on his 70th birthday. You made my day.
May 13th, 2007 at 9:38 am
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”
From Brain Droppings, I believe.
May 13th, 2007 at 9:38 am
[...] George Carlin is one of the funniest non-believers (which makes his role in Dogma even funnier). Here are 101 George Carlin quotes. My favorite: “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.” [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 9:53 am
[...] I saw this line in a George Carlin joke list and thought about all of those employee engagement studies: Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Click to sign up for free KnowHR Blog updates by RSS or e-mail. Related Posts Employee Engagement and CreativityA Little Survey SensibilityLet’s Give Bad Bosses the Boot [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Nuber 45 should be first. It’s the best fucking quote of all time.
“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
May 13th, 2007 at 11:57 am
“Those who dance are thought mad by those who don’t hear the music.”
That is from: “A Conefederacy of Dunces.” By John Kennedy Toole
Very funny read. Allan
May 13th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
“The 7 words” is classic, too bad the quote didn’t run a little further. “Betcha can’t eat just one!”
May 13th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
[...] (Warning: Strong language and offensive material (of course))read more | digg story [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
“…a fart that could end a marriage.”
May 13th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes (tags: comedy fun humor carlin) [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
I should be doing a 6 page paper, but this was hilarious. Keep it up, Jimzarro. You’re fan-frickin-tastic
May 13th, 2007 at 11:54 pm
You always have the best nicknames, LIMtastic. Ever think of using LIM-Chop?
May 14th, 2007 at 12:56 am
[...] My friend, David, sent me this link to what someone thinks are his 101 best jokes, and I’m including this link to Carlin’s Web site. [...]
May 14th, 2007 at 1:18 am
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes Hard to pick just 101 George Carlin quotes, everything the man says is comedy gold. (tags: GeorgeCarlin quotes comedy life atheism) [...]
May 14th, 2007 at 1:29 am
hmm.. LIMchop. that’s a good one..
i’ll consider using it.. one day =]
May 14th, 2007 at 2:11 am
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes - I like, “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” [...]
May 14th, 2007 at 4:52 am
#49 is totally not true. gatorade’s got all the electrolytes you need after a long night of drinking space bags or forties. i know this personally.
all the rest is sheer genius.
May 14th, 2007 at 9:25 am
[...] Link [...]
May 14th, 2007 at 11:51 am
[...] via blogzarro.com A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. [...]
May 14th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
[...] The man who says “life is worth losing” tured 70 this past weekend. George would say that’s irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best. [...]
May 14th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
George Carlin for President !!!
May 14th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
[...] Even if you’re not a big fan of George Carlin, you should be able to find at least a few funny jokes from this list to laugh at with your coworkers. [...]
May 14th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Mr Carlin is also responsible for the world’s most savvy travel advice:
“In Heaven, the French do the cooking, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss run the hotels, the Italians are the lovers and the English are the police. In Hell, the English do the coooking, the Italians are the mechanics, the French run the hotels, the Swiss are the lovers and the Germans are the police.”
May 15th, 2007 at 9:39 am
Where the heck is the chopstick quote??
May 15th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
It turns out that George Carlin didn’t write that quote about the chopsticks. There are a lot of quotes that are attributed to him that he never said.
May 15th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
[...] 98 more at 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes Some Totally Unrelated PostsThursday Thirteen - Sex!Top QuotesOnly The Good Die YoungNever Join A ClubInsurance [P] [...]
May 15th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
George Carlin is the best. “Hey, man, welcome to my job. This is my job — think up weird shit and every once in a while get up here and tell you all about it. I start out easy. Don’t you? You don’t see any memos marked 9:07 am, do you?”
“They say the Church might eliminate Limbo. You know, that place where unbaptized babies go? Geez, I hope they put them in Heaven or something. Hate to think of all those babies just floating around in space for all eternity.”
“Now you can eat meat on Fridays. Geez, all them guys who got damned over that one, I hope they give ‘em amnesty. ‘What you in for?’ ‘Beef jerky!’”
Long may it wave, George.
May 16th, 2007 at 12:45 am
[...] 101 of the best George Carlin Quotes 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes __________________ [...]
May 16th, 2007 at 1:04 am
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes [...]
May 17th, 2007 at 8:16 am
[...] http://blogzarro.com/?p=226 Comedy | May 17th, 2007 [...]
May 17th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes - Blogzarro [...]
May 17th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
[...] George Carlin has always been one of my favorites and here’s a list of some of his best material… 100 Greatest George Carlin Quotes [...]
May 17th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
OH MY GOD i have the same birthday as george carlin! i was born may 12 1992! that is so cool!
May 18th, 2007 at 3:20 am
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes (from Digg) - The man who says “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. George would say that’s irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best… I love this guy and his quotes. [...]
May 18th, 2007 at 9:09 am
[...] 101 greatest George Carlin Quotes! [...]
May 19th, 2007 at 9:11 am
[...] Edit: fir em George Carlin sain Gebuertsdag, seng 101 bescht Zitater. [...]
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:33 pm
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotesvia Nerdcore [...]
May 24th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
[...] Actually, while we’re talking about Mr. Carlin, the headline for this post and the next 100 posts will be from his Top 101 Greatest Quotes (according to the people at Blogzarro anyway.) The category that my general posts are going to be filed under is also a George Carlin quote. What can I say? The guy is a legend, a role model to me, and the reason why I want to do comedy, whether it be in my video, comics, writing, or stand up. Which, might I say I would really like to get back into should I ever have some time to write a routine…. So why not have my own website? I don’t know what the plan is with the other websites, whether they’ll be merged into this one or if they’ll stay separate. If you follow the whole “branding” concept, they should probably be separate, but then again, I’m selling myself here. And I mean that in almost the prostitute sense, since I’ll probably have to do some “favors” down the road to get a job in the entertainment industry. Let’s just hope I get temporary amnesia like Terry Bauer from the first season of 24 had, and don’t carry that kind of baggage with me the rest of my life. This website will be updated once a week. If I promised anything more, I would be full of shit, and that would place an extra burden on me. And hey, I’m on vacation until August. I know consistency is the key to success in the Web 2.0 era, but no where is it written that I need you to give you free daily stuff. I need some time to do absolutely nothing. Because when I’m doing nothing, I’m at my best. And I’m going to need to be at my best if I’m going to reach this website’s one year goal. Wait…you thought this was just going to be my place to bitch on the web? Please. I can do that on Facebook, My Space, Youtube, Live Journal, Word Press, Type Pad, or any of the other million blogging sites out there. No, I wanted to do something different with this website. Sure, I’ll give you my thoughts on things, it’ll be entertaining for you and keep my writing fresh, but I’m a goal-oriented kind of guy. And there is nothing more satisfying, to me anyway, then setting a goal, kicking ass a long the way, and reaching it. I’ve worked too hard up until this point not to set the bar high for myself. [...]
May 25th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
[...] in Comedy news, Everything | Friday, May 25th, 2007 | Trackback 101 Greatest George CarlinQuotes [...]
May 28th, 2007 at 12:24 am
[...] One of my brothers favorite Funny Men. Here are 101 of his greatest quotes.read more | digg story [...]
May 28th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
I believe this one applies “Unless each man produces more than he receives, increases his output, there will be less for him than all the others,” doesn’t it?
May 29th, 2007 at 3:39 am
[...] The man who thinks “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. Here are 101 of his greatest quotes.read more | digg story [...]
May 29th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Carlin has always been my hero. I don’t always agree with him but I LIKE what he has to say. I do have one that I don’t think he has commented on, though. My words:
Civilization? “Uncivilized” people around the world have always ended up being screwed by “civilized” people. So who is really civilized?
May 29th, 2007 at 11:23 pm
Good Ole George. Gotta love the guy :). He’s helped me through many tough times by making me laugh… God bless!
May 30th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Happy #70 George!!!
God Bless…
May 31st, 2007 at 1:12 pm
[...] Read the 101 Greatest quotes from master Carlin. Mark Twain, eat your heart out. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.” [...]
May 31st, 2007 at 5:20 pm
George Carlin is THE Comedy King.
May 31st, 2007 at 11:34 pm
[...] The man who thinks “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. Here are 101 of his greatest quotes.read more | digg story [...]
June 11th, 2007 at 1:29 am
The man is a genius. Plain and simple.
June 14th, 2007 at 5:20 am
This one makes sence “One’s first step in wisdom is to kuesstion everything - and one’s last is to come to terms with everything.”
June 18th, 2007 at 10:17 am
That’s hilarious! I love “I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”
July 26th, 2007 at 12:04 am
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes [...]
July 26th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes [...]
July 26th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes [...]
August 22nd, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Great stuff, although #33 and #71aren’t Carlin quotes. A lot of quotes that are attributed to Carlin were never said by him. There’s a list of things he didn’t say on his website
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:17 pm
[...] I found 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes and thought this would be an excellent source for the new Stray Quotes widget I installed on the sidebar today! Each page produces a new quote. [...]
August 25th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Check out George on UTube…… a master at his craft…….the Ten Commandments bit is just brilliant!
August 26th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
He’s a God, and he doesn’t come with a handbook
hilarious b-day george!
August 26th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
[...] Link [...]
September 7th, 2007 at 11:08 am
[...] “The man who thinks ‘life is worth losing’ turns 70 today. Here are 101 of his greatest quotes.”read more | digg story [...]
September 18th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
they r really very truly funny as well as true…
September 21st, 2007 at 7:03 pm
I think that George should be the next president of the U.S.A.
Get down to business without all the stupid politics which screw everything up
September 29th, 2007 at 6:09 am
[...] A list of George Carlin quotes, for my MOM. Such language Mother! I cannot believe you have read every single one of his books. [...]
October 1st, 2007 at 10:05 am
Some of my personal favorites are the one about Eddie Murphy & Richard Pryor, the stupid things we say everyday, and the one about banning toy guns but keeping the real ones.
October 7th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
GEORGE CARLIN SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON. AND MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.
October 14th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
when do the great quotes start? this are just the expressions of a grumpy old man. i worry that you americans find this to be culture
fpb
October 15th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
I did not see my favorite Carlin Quote on the list. ” Don’t sweat the petty things and Don’t pet the sweaty things!”
Love thy Carlin!
October 20th, 2007 at 8:04 am
I am almost as old as George. One thing I learned was that he is the smartest man in the country.
Lets fuck him up and elect him president
October 25th, 2007 at 1:23 am
[...] As you’ve probably noticed, I’m not calling it “home staging” just yet. As I said in my post on StagerBlog, that’s partly because I agree with George Carlin, who points out that a house is simply a structure, whereas a home is a state of mind. (Which is actually a terrific argument for staging.) But it’s also because homes – I mean residences, the things people live in – aren’t the only types of buildings that get sold. Restaurants get sold, office space gets sold, retail spaces get sold; why set limits? And what about staging spaces for occupants who have no intention of moving? It’s not quite interior design, but wouldn’t it be helpful? Think about it. [...]
October 25th, 2007 at 11:01 am
[...] 25, 2007 Desktop Love Posted by cMac under Uncategorized http://blogzarro.com/?p=226 [...]
October 25th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Where’s a quote from the golf course skit? That was rich rich rich humor. Thank you Mr. Carlin for the thought-provoking humor.
October 31st, 2007 at 2:57 am
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes The man who thinks “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. Here are 101 of his greatest quotes.[…] Thanks to killerqueen for providing this nice story on Digg (more than 2412 Diggs). [...]
November 14th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
I have never met anyone, man, woman or monkey, that has ever thought the insane way i do. George, all i can say is, your older, maybe not wiser, but a hell of a lot funnier and you got your thoughts out there before i did, and anyway, it sounds better coming from you, i’m getting tired of people and monkeys throwing fruit at me, why won’t they just throw money?
November 29th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Here’s some of George’s advice: “Don’t smoke dope when you’re stoned. You don’t get any more stoned, just lower on dope!”
November 29th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes “some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…” (tags: humour quotes) [...]
December 7th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
These quotes are the way that i live my life every last fucking one of them.
December 9th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
George you rock! Happy Belated Birthday! Love ya!
December 11th, 2007 at 12:27 am
[...] Here’s 101 great george Carlin quotes: http://blogzarro.com/?p=226?fk [...]
January 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 am
… being a swimming maniac i liked the third one about swimming!!!..so funny and downright true!!!
January 6th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Wow.. they’re totally missing MY favorite quote!!
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…
…and you finish off as an orgasm.”
January 6th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
i dont know why i bolthered to read this whole list, the jokes get worse as i read on, thats why i read them backwards. I love george carlin.
January 10th, 2008 at 3:27 am
(#14) It was my great grand father who said this. So he went and invented the flame thrower and went and burned the hell out of the whole lot of those people who were over there. Thank god he did or their childern and grandchildren would be annoying me today. And I’m not smart enough to invent a flame thrower.
January 17th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Kirstin Says:
“I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…”
~~~~~
I’ve never heard Carlin say that… I have, however, heard Mark Lowry say that… 0.o
January 17th, 2008 at 11:18 am
[...] Re: Interesting Questions Some of those remind me of Carlin… Here is a link to 101 of Carlin’s best quotes….(Most are NSFW!) Enjoy… http://blogzarro.com/?p=226 "What year did Jesus think it was?" __________________ [...]
January 19th, 2008 at 4:49 am
oh my god that just bad madness and a little sick i wish i do not read it now.
February 6th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
[...] read more | digg story addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rapeblog.info%2Frape-porn%2F101-greatest-george-carlin-quotes.html’; addthis_title = ‘101+Greatest+George+Carlin+Quotes’; addthis_pub = ”; [...]
February 12th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
“Two people in an elevator, one of them farts, everyone knows who did it!”
February 28th, 2008 at 1:26 am
-The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
This has to be one of the best quotes of all time.
March 13th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
[...] Just discovered some brilliant quotes from George Carlin. Check them out, some really funny ones! [...]
March 13th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
[...] Just discovered some brilliant quotes from George Carlin. Check them out, some really funny ones! Share This If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting, come back soon! [...]
March 21st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Still not ready to get “ON” the plane!
Thanks for all the laughs at the State Theater in Easton, PA.
Randy
March 26th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Here is one of my all time favorites:
“Here is something you’ll never hear: ‘If you don’t stop giving me a blow job, I’m calling the police.’”
March 27th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
“I pray to Joe Pesci. He seems like a guy who can get things done.”
March 31st, 2008 at 11:22 pm
GEORGE, I AGREE WITH YOU ON DARN NEAR EVERYTHING YOU SAY. I WOULD SAY YOUR VIEWS ON RELIGION AND POLITICS ARE WHAT HITS HOME WITH ME THE MOST. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
April 2nd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
[...] 101 George Carlin Quotes! 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes Ha, I love that guy. [...]
April 14th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
george carlin is the worlds best fucking comedian and i worship him!!!!!!!! ok almost worship him… haha but if you dont love george then you are one dumb mother fucker cuz this man is the fucking shit. george you better out live me cuz you can make everything bad sound funny and just fine to deal with. without you i couldnt look at the world and laugh my ass off!
May 17th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
[...] read more | digg story | Permalink [...]
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:48 am
it’s so sad to hear we’ve lost one of the funniest people on earth. he made a lot of people laugh. good night and so long mr. carlin.
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:00 am
RIP George
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:38 am
I’m 53. In high school 72′ I memorized The Hair Poem” and never forgot it. Thank you George for giving me the OTHER thing to play with besides the toy my dad did.
Your language was attrocious in your latter years. I found it hard to forgive you for changing your format after being so successful not needing to cuss. Discussing cuss “werds” was ok pal.
….I hope that you were only joking and you really DID know Jesus.
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:26 am
RIP George Carlin.
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:19 am
RIP
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
RIP
George Denis Patrick Carlin[16] (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008)[
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:22 am
George,I’m playing “Taps” for ya right now….wish you could hear it,brotha! Thank you for all your years of inspiration,not just to me,but to brilliant minds that have inspired more brilliant minds(i.e. Bill Hicks,Steven Wright,etc.). Love you forever! R.I.P.,G.C.!
You finally get to see what’s on the other side.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:22 am
Though you chose not to believe in them, you are with the angels now.
You will be missed.
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
“The future will soon be a thing of the past.”
We miss you George
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
George Carlin was a favorite of my teenage years and was a huge part of my being able to “think outside the box”. He said the things we were thinking anyway only didn’t have the guts to say it.
You will be missed George and hopefully your jokes about Jesus was just that.
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I say this words because i know George Carlin would have said them about me… Better you than me. At least i can watch your standup…. damn it!!! im getting all religious on his ass! fuck it! anyway, i miss the bastard.
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:28 pm
nice job! it’s so sad.
just wnted to let u know i used some of your list and linked to you, fyi…
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
When I heard the news that George had died I just smilled as I remembered his famous George Carlin Quote # 38
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Whatever religion states, making people laugh is the greatest gift to give to the world making George Carlin one of the best people on it.
R.I.P.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Truer words never spoken
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Pretty funny stuff.
#26 about life expectancy and IQ going in opposite directions… by definition the average IQ will always be 100. No matter what. Kind of puts a stretch on the joke.
June 24th, 2008 at 12:08 am
I truly feel as if I have lost a piece of my family. This sweet funny poetic man has made it possible for me to see the reason to laugh no matter what , sure truth hurts, but its a beautiful thing to know. And he always put it out there, no apologies, and made it feel like a warm irrisistible blanket of calm in the craziness that is mankind. He was and always will be , my dear friend.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
R.I.P.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
God Bless you George.
You were the BEST there ever was…..
June 24th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
@ Eric.
No such language involving George Carlin!!! if he knew you prayed for him he would get up and kick you in the tonkers, because his sheer anger could, if there is a second life, resurrect him for the sole reason of the wonder of the folks when they find your mutilated corpse and a dead GC smiling, lying face down next to you, stiff as a pole.
But i understand you man, the world sucks harder with no GC.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Lunatics are beginning to blame Hillary Clinton for the death of Tim Russert.
There’s your red flag. When lunatics begin to blame sudden death, heart failure on the “Clintonistas” the fix is in -it’s time to accept the fact that once again, truth is a casualty of this unprecedented mess.
Most heart attacks are not fatal, and the current deaths of George Carlin and Tim Russert are very suspicious. Carlin was under the
assault of the the likes of right wing lunatics like O’reilly, who violently blasted Carlin for suggesting that the United States
is responsible for 9/11. (in fact, Carlin merely said ‘you reap what you sow’) God Help Carlin if he dared to expres his own opinion.
After Carlin died, self absorbed O’Reilly dug up an old clip from an interview in 2001 showing him confronting Carlin about using
“the F word”. Then to make it even more inflammatory to his faithful viewers, he left in a part where Carlin is critical of the church, a red flag of disapproval for “the folks”.
He included no tribute to Carlin’s long and trailblazing career. The best he could muster was condolences to his family and a
comment that he was a “witty guy.”
When O’reilly dies, the best we will be able to say is that he is a disgusting, obnoxious lunatic -have you seen the video where he
yells at people like a raving lunatic?
This is the climate which explains the murder of George Carlin, just in time to deny him the spotlight as the recipient of the Mark
Twain award: and you ought to blame lunatics like O’reilly.
http://surftofind.com/mystery
June 24th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
RIP George. I will miss your insightful humor. We part ways here though, brother, as I know where your eternal home is. Sorry you missed the point in life.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:34 am
Thank You George for all your Fucked up work over the last half century, I for one will never forget you at least untill my all-timers gets worse…..
Many, Many Laughs
thank you and may you rest in laughter and happiness…. and also may you find a way to bitch about the afterlife
With Love: Just another Fucked up Non-practicing Catholic….
June 26th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
And fuck all you folks who say he’s in hell, there aint no such thing, and if there is, id rather get kicked in the nuts by a demon than shaking the hands of the psycopath that is the christian god. I revel in chaos and destruction, but i want it like the nature, indiscriminately, not like that homophobic womanhating slavedriver, NO OFFENSE MENT!!!!
June 27th, 2008 at 2:37 am
you were too good for this world anyway…Rest in Piece=(
June 27th, 2008 at 9:11 am
You’ll be in my address book for the requisite six weeks George, the ZIP! You’re outta there!
June 27th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
George Carlin- from when I first saw him in the 60s he was always the guy who said it right. Didn’t say what he should,didn’t say what we wanted to hear- spoke his truths and skewered what he hated. Thanks for all the great lines George and don’t expect to see you anywhere again.
June 27th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Clean our mouth with Mr.Clean……….no Misterneen………..what ever…………..
Miss you George………..
June 30th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
RIP George Carlin
I started listening to GC probably way too young I remember finding my dads old albums and listening out of curiosity and listening again out of delight because this guy was funny I also remember seeing him live in Atlantic City was the best show I’ve ever seen and will probably ever see again
George-You Will Be Missed-Rest In Peace!
September 1st, 2008 at 6:48 am
Pure Freakin Genius!
September 11th, 2008 at 11:03 am
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September 14th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
when i die i will go to some place, maybe hell…but i know it will be funny down there or up or whatever u americans are going..
January 6th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
What is bumburbia?
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:52 am
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March 7th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
hey, look at this coincidence?
http://reckon.tumblr.com/post/46224028/george-carlin-quotes
April 1st, 2009 at 6:38 am
[...] A lot more hilarious quotes can be found here. [...]
April 12th, 2009 at 1:30 am
“I’m the oldest I’m gonna be right now.”
Does that still apply?
Prolific…What a mind……….it was good to know you.
Godspeed
May 1st, 2009 at 11:25 am
George has been gone less than a year now and I already miss him like it’s been an eternity. I really hope there is a special place for people like George after service on earth, and I wish much pleasure ther with his loving wife. We miss you George.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:21 am
My fave is Number 17:
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time…
But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
July 31st, 2009 at 7:02 pm
a Prophet from our time.
R.I.P.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:01 am
[...] 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes [...]
September 5th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
[...] If I ever get to use any of these in coversation, I would be so happy. (thanks to @Alyssa_Milano) Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)In the Spotlight: Erika HastingsDone.Beyonce – Single LadiesExes Three-Way-Smackdown Three-Timing Man [...]
September 19th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Carlin was more of a realist than all the idiots he ever made fun of. I will miss him. He died too early , but the mileage he put in made him live forever.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
[...] For even more great quotes, check out 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes. [...]
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
[...] do to a person, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world.” George Carlin 101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes__________________"There’s a sucker born every minute" is a phrase often credited to P.T. [...]
October 31st, 2009 at 9:25 pm
George Carlin was one of the funniest stand-up comedians of all time. He saw the frailties of humankind clearly and gave his audiences an amusing view of the tolerated hypocrisies present in our sorry society. May he forever Rest In Peace. Amen
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
george once said about “things i could do without”. Here is one of them–A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin.
November 29th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
George… you are a true pimp
November 29th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
LOL, some of these are hilarious. Carlin was the man!!
December 5th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Truth hurts so much its funny. A wise and funny man, I miss him much. No other comes close!
December 5th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
truely the most observant and funniest person ever born .. RIP KING GEORGE …
January 5th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
[...] 101 George Carlin Quotes By James A. on May 12th, 2007 Blogzzaro.com [...]
January 7th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
he should be next or above einstein just the way it is thanks for the carlin
January 25th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it
^^^ BEST QUOTE EVER!!!
January 28th, 2010 at 1:13 am
I loved this dude, my hero
January 28th, 2010 at 1:13 am
but he was a total asshole! haha