Real Name: Ulysses Solomon (U.S.) Archer
First Appearance: US 1 #1 (1983)
Associates: Poppa Wheelie, Wide Load Annie, Mary McGrill, Retread
Enemies: The Highwayman, Midnight, Baron van Blimp
Lame Abilities: Excellent athlete, tech expert, metal alloy skull that picks up CB transmissions and allows U.S. to head-butt like a bastard
Creators: Al Milgrom, Jim Shooter

The best lame comics have lame origin stories. “US 1″ came into exist not through the inspiration of a writer or artist; it was born in a marketing office. In the early 1980s Tyco created a line of electric trucking toys. A few years later they approached Marvel about doing a comic based on the toys. And Marvel bit.

Then, in 1983, in a lame reverse merchandising move, the “US 1″ comic hit the stands. And I bit. I was nine years old and excited to own a first issue of a series. This was an investment, I thought, that would pay off when I was in my early 30s, leading to an early retirement. Twenty-four years later “US 1″ comics are worth about six cents a copy and I am about 45 years away from retirement.

The hero of “US 1,” Ulysses Solomon Archer (U.S.A, get it?), graduated from college magna cum laude with a degree in computer program design and electronics engineering, among other things. He was quarterback of his football team. So, what does this athletic genius want to do with his life? Get hemorrhoids and drive a truck. Sounds like this guy shoots real low when it comes to career goals.

Immediately after graduation, U.S. joins his big brother, Jeff, as a gypsy trucker. But the life of a truck driver isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially when there’s some demonic lunatic in a black 18-wheeler looking to play road hockey whenever it rains. The Highwayman, as he’s called, sends Jeff and U.S.’s truck off a mountain for fun. U.S. is thrown from the wreckage and survives; Jeff’s body isn’t recovered. Now we step further into lamesville.

U.S. is in bad shape after the accident. His skull is shattered. But, wait, there’s hope. There’s this new, experimental surgical “technique.” The doctors replace U.S.’s skull with a special metal alloy — which gives him at least two special powers: he has a really hard head now (which he uses for his devastating head-butts) and he can pick up CB transmissions in his head. If that’s not the lamest super power ever, please let me know.

U.S. also helps his cause (which is to find the mysterious Highwayman) by turning his rig into an 18-wheel version of the Batmobile. The rig has a weapons console, a supercharger, oil slick release, tire-shredding shrapnel bombs, smoke screen, ejection seat, radar scope, and a tape deck. In fact, I like to think of U.S. as Batman with a CDL license.

The Highwayman is an equally lame villain. U.S. is first told that the Highwayman was a top-notch trucker in the early days of the industry. But as young whippersnappers began to overtake him, he did the only reasonable thing an aging trucker would do — he sought the help of supernatural sages. Eventually he sold his soul for eternal youth and a really cool air freshener that would never lose its scent, and now he roams the roads hunting for souls. And you thought trucking was just a bunch of burly guys who listen to Merle Haggard. But by the end of the comic’s run we discover — shock — that the Highwayman’s origin story is even lamer. The evil trucker is really Jeff, who was mad because he paid for U.S.’s college education and U.S., in turn, used his education to become a truck driver. I, for one, totally side with Jeff on this one.

After only 12 issues, the series ended…with a lame bang. It was revealed that aliens needed truck drivers. So after a mix-up that sent Jeff into outer space, thus equipping him with alien technology and allowing him to turn into the Highwayman, the aliens take good ol’ reliable Ulysses Solomon Archer, as originally intended. So, U.S. and his friends go off into space, start an intergalactic truck stop, and live happily ever after.

There was actually talk, mostly by the comic creators and Tyco, of turning “US 1″ into a cartoon series. How much better would life have been if this happened?

(If you’d like to help me retire early, as I intended in ’83, and are interested in learning more about the “US 1″ comic firsthand, make me your best offer for the first four issues of the series.)