10. You once masturbated while on TrimSpa.

9. You can’t account for all your sperm over the past 16 months.

8. Just like the baby, you spit up whenever you see Howard K. Stern.

7. The baby has your mother’s ears.

6. You briefly rubbed up against Anna Nicole backstage at the 2006 Grammys. And, as most people know, it doesn’t take you very long.

5. Your name is Charlie Sheen… Hey, he bagged a lot of chicks. The odds are in his favor.

4. Deleted, due to a court injunction obtained by Larry Birkhead.

3. You have children with 8 other big-breasted blonde nutcases on the verge of nervous breakdowns.

2. During Anna Nicole’s first trimester you experienced symptoms of sympathetic pregnancy.

1. You have a strong desire to have a segment of “20/20″ devoted to your fight; talk one-on-one with Larry King; speak candidly to Mary Hart of “Entertainment Tonight”; and have an in-depth sit down with Pat O’Brien from “The Insider.” Then write a book about the experience, all in the best interests of the baby.