On second thought: whatever happened to Michael Keaton?

Whatever happened to Jan-Michael Vincent?

Are you are sex addict if you have sex with your wife a lot?

JOIN BLOGZARRO’S FANTASY BASEBALL LEAGUE NOW!

Fantasy baseball season is here and Blogzarro is joining the fun. Of course, we’re going to do things in a Bizarro fashion. So the Blogzarro Ball League will reward failure, bad play, and general crapiness. Think the New York Mets in September 2007 and 2008 and 2009 — okay, just think of the Mets. Hit a home run and points are deducted, blow a save and receive points. God forbid you pitch a perfect game (-100 points). But lose on a regular basis and you’ll be Blogzarro Ball champ in the end. That’s how we play in Blogzarro Land.

The league is open to anyone who wants to join.

There will be only 12 teams, but we’ll make room for more depending on the response. Once all the teams have joined, players will be auto-picked.

In order to join the league, follow the link below, and then enter the password and league ID, which are provided below.

Join Here: baseball.fantasysports.yahoo.com
Password: htrea
League ID#: 299584

Before tonight I had never seen one minute of the “Tonight Show” with Conan O’Brien. I tuned in for the first time last night, to catch the last 15 minutes of his final show. And as I watched Conan choke up during his classy farewell speech, I felt like a diehard fan after his team has lost the World Series — albeit a diehard fan seeing a baseball game for the first time.

I was thinking: Those bastards are taking Conan away from us! What will we do now?

In the final moments of his tenure at the “Tonight Show,” Conan came across as a pretty cool guy. And it didn’t matter if I was a viewer before, because now I was rooting for him. I actually felt nostalgic for a show I had never seen.

NBC’s corporate douchebaggery has made Conan a folkhero. This whole mess has mobilized his fans, sort of like how all these celebs come out when a country is hit with an earthquake. Like Haiti, Conan, too, was hit by a natural disaster, NBC. So support Coco. Help him rebuild.

When Conan mounts a new show this fall I’ll make sure I watch. Fuck NBC! I’m with Coco. Or, thank you, NBC, you’ve given me something to look forward to watching on FOX in the fall.

But a definite fuck you to whomever cancelled “The Greatest American Hero.” That was an awesome show.

I am convinced there is a conspiracy involving the “Paranormal Activity” hype.

I heard all the raves and the hyperbolic statements, like ” ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the most terrifying movie you’ll ever see,” or some crazy thing along those lines. So Saturday I went to see the movie, which was reportedly made for $15,000. And what I saw did scare the hell out of me…because I realized that all the hype was complete bullshit — and if it was authentic, then the world is full of idiots who have no idea what a good movie is.

“Paranormal Activity” was the most boring, un-terrifying movie I ever sat through. The rest of the audience obviously felt the same, as halfway through, people began blatantly talking on cellphones or to each other, and no one cared — not even me, and I hate when people do that in a theater. It took thirty mind-numbing minutes or so for the first scary moment to occur: a bedroom door creeks. That’s followed by such terrifying moments as a loud bang, footsteps, an even louder bang. During one of the movie’s supposed “big moments,” the audience actually burst into laughter. After the movie, we all filed out of the theater feeling ripped off, with a number of people saying out loud what a horrible, worthless movie we had just sat through. If “Paranormal Activity” scared you at all, it is probably because you have never seen another horror movie in your life. Or you think ladybugs are scary.

“Paranormal Activity” is as exciting as watching people sleep. Why is that? Because most of the movie takes place as the terrorized couple — Katie and Micah — sleeps.

This movie, which felt like a cheap online student film, has been getting such insane Internet buzz that it came out of nowhere and landed at No. 1 at the box office over the past weekend. Really? Really? Come on, really? I have to applaud DreamWorks for mounting what must be one of the greatest marketing schemes in history — and obviously paying off plenty of reviewers and 12-year-olds to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook.

Don’t believe the hype: “Paranormal Activity” is a snooze fest. The Internet has lied to us again. (Save your money and instead rent “Drag Me to Hell.”)

So Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has turned gay. And homosexuality never tasted so delicious. Well, not since that Snap, Crackle and Pop gangbang.

But gay food isn’t anything new. I long suspected Boston Kreme donuts of being queer — every time I eat one I get creamy jizz all over my face, and my attempts to marry one have been blocked by the state legislator.

Other (possibly) gay foods:
Fudge
NutRageous candy bars
Bananas
Kumquats
Swedish Meatballs
Cream Puffs
Semen

(20 votes, average: 5.95 out of 10)

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Whenever I use the bathroom at work I panic. No, I don’t worry that I won’t make it to the toilet, or that I’m going to catch someone “peeking,” or that I’m going to slip and my mouth is going to fall on some guy’s dong. I worry that I’m going to be a victim of mistaken identity. Here’s the scenario: I walk into an empty bathroom and it reeks to high heaven, like the last guy in there had a Mexican atomic bomb drop out his ass. Then, as I’m walking out, in walks someone else, who, naturally, thinks I’m the stinky culprit. When this happens, I feel like one of those guys who spends 10 years on death row for a crime he didn’t commit. Oh, the injustice!

If Satan wants you to do something, but you were going to do it anyway, are you still a minion in Satan’s Army?