Decided to live every day like I’m dying. Today’s first activity: cough up blood.

If you sell your soul to the devil, do you have to declare it on your taxes?

There are more than 1500 people in the U.S. named Unique.

Came up with a great gay porn name: John CuteSack.

Why do zombies eat people?

They’re dead. They don’t need food to survive. They don’t have tastebuds. Therefore, they don’t need it and they can’t enjoy it. But, god, do they love it!

There has to be one vegetarian zombie out there, right?

BONUS QUESTION: If zombies eat, do they poop?

No dog is free.

How I Learned This: After spending a nice chunk of change on carpeting for my new house, my puppy has been systematically ripping it apart and peeing on it. The new couch is his bed. The new flat-screen TV is in constant danger of being pulled off its stand by the hyper pup. Then there’s the vet bills, food, and all the chew toys my wife inisists he needs. The dog came free, but has probably cost me about several grand in just a few months. At least I don’t have to pay for college.

Is it getting a little crazy with all the trashy reality shows set in New Jersey (“Jersey Shore,” “Housewives of New Jersey,” “Jerseylicious,” “Jersey Couture”)?

On second thought: whatever happened to Michael Keaton?

Whatever happened to Jan-Michael Vincent?